It is possible that I have like...the Virgin Mary of Dogs. What do they call it in that book that I only read once because I was curious but haven't looked at since because I think of it more like a fairy tale than an actual historical document? Something like Immaculate Conception.
I think my dog has Immaculately Conceived.
She's gained a fifth of her body weight in the last two weeks, she's had a drastic increase in her appetite, and I think her doggy nipples are swollen. (Do you call them teats like on a cow? Boobies maybe? I don't know.) I could be imagining it. After all, I know for damn sure that my dog did not copulate or procreate or have happy time with another dog while she was in heat.
Choo Choo was guarded like Fort Knox. Nothing got past me, or Padawan, or my Grandparents. And when one dog got a little too sniffy, Brat's wolf-puppy dog beast (yes, the one that tried to turn me into a werewolf and failed) tried to rip his throat out and he never came back. Ever. It's hard to show your face when you're a big, tough German Shepard and you get your ass handed to you by a six month old puppy. And a FEMALE at that. He probably chewed off his own testicles after he left since he probably figured he didn't deserve them. The male species in general is a little sensitive to losing to girls. Of course, I lack the equipment to actually empathize, so I could be wrong. Maybe they don't care at all.
Point being, if Choo Choo is prego she's got have a doggy abortion. I know it's cruel and wrong and God, I don't want to kill puppies (I'm totally for human abortion, though. Isn't that a little backwards?) but puppies under six months old are forbidden in our apartment complex. The risk of puppies leads to a two hundred dollar raise in monthly rent and a two hundred dollar fine for each puppy, plus another one fifty for each pet not on the lease.
See the problem.
No amount of puppies are worth the risk of that amount of money. And if it's a Dog God's Immaculately Conceived Puppy (Dogs probably have a deity they believe in, right?) then it's probably going to be huge, and Chihuahuas are notorious for having complicated births. I don't want my dog to die for puppies I don't want or need.
No, no. No puppies for Choo Choo. However, her eating has slowed down today, and she looks thinner. This could just be a "I've been eating things I shouldn't be eating" thing that led to her sudden surge in weight. I'll be the first to admit that I like to feed my dog scraps of people food under the table at meals because she dances on her hind legs and it's just so freaking cute that I can't resist rewarding her adorableness.
Speaking of dogs...how often are you supposed to bathe them? I give Choo Choo a bath every Wednesday, and she feels all soft and smells like grapefruit for five days. Is that too often? Or is it acceptable to bathe smaller dogs more often because it's easier and everybody deserves to be clean?
Oh. New thought. What if the ghost thing that I think is living in my closet is actually a ghost dog and it impregnated my dog out of some misplaced desire to bring joy and sunshine into the world?
Or it just wanted to annoy the living hell out of me.
Either way, Choo Choo is going to have a pregnancy test on Monday. (Yeah, they actually have blood tests to see if dogs are pregnant or not) Though Dr. Kevin Spacey assures me that if she got pregnant in heat in November she'd be about ready to pop right now and I'd definitely be able to feel puppies moving around in her belly. (I felt nothing, but when I put my ear to her tummy I heard noises. Not barks, obviously. But moving noises.)
I haven't decided. I might cancel if she doesn't get fatter.
My god, I feel like I'm in that movie about aliens where the alien is living inside of the man's body and it suddenly bursts out of his chest and then it puts on a top hat and a spot line shines on it and it dances across the counter of the diner singing, "Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal"...oh, wait, that was Spaceballs, not the alien movie...Well, I feel like a mixture of the two movies in my head except I'm not worried about it killing some useless space traveling man, I'm waiting for the gremlins to come out of my dog. And I would be sad if my Choo Choo died. She's my furry child.