Thursday, January 13, 2011

Where the hell are Bill Pullman and Sigoureny Weaver when you need them?

It is possible that I have like...the Virgin Mary of Dogs. What do they call it in that book that I only read once because I was curious but haven't looked at since because I think of it more like a fairy tale than an actual historical document? Something like Immaculate Conception.

I think my dog has Immaculately Conceived.

She's gained a fifth of her body weight in the last two weeks, she's had a drastic increase in her appetite, and I think her doggy nipples are swollen. (Do you call them teats like on a cow? Boobies maybe? I don't know.) I could be imagining it. After all, I know for damn sure that my dog did not copulate or procreate or have happy time with another dog while she was in heat.

Choo Choo was guarded like Fort Knox. Nothing got past me, or Padawan, or my Grandparents. And when one dog got a little too sniffy, Brat's wolf-puppy dog beast (yes, the one that tried to turn me into a werewolf and failed) tried to rip his throat out and he never came back. Ever. It's hard to show your face when you're a big, tough German Shepard and you get your ass handed to you by a six month old puppy. And a FEMALE at that. He probably chewed off his own testicles after he left since he probably figured he didn't deserve them. The male species in general is a little sensitive to losing to girls. Of course, I lack the equipment to actually empathize, so I could be wrong. Maybe they don't care at all.

Point being, if Choo Choo is prego she's got have a doggy abortion. I know it's cruel and wrong and God, I don't want to kill puppies (I'm totally for human abortion, though. Isn't that a little backwards?) but puppies under six months old are forbidden in our apartment complex. The risk of puppies leads to a two hundred dollar raise in monthly rent and a two hundred dollar fine for each puppy, plus another one fifty for each pet not on the lease.

See the problem.

No amount of puppies are worth the risk of that amount of money. And if it's a Dog God's Immaculately Conceived Puppy (Dogs probably have a deity they believe in, right?) then it's probably going to be huge, and Chihuahuas are notorious for having complicated births. I don't want my dog to die for puppies I don't want or need.

No, no. No puppies for Choo Choo. However, her eating has slowed down today, and she looks thinner. This could just be a "I've been eating things I shouldn't be eating" thing that led to her sudden surge in weight. I'll be the first to admit that I like to feed my dog scraps of people food under the table at meals because she dances on her hind legs and it's just so freaking cute that I can't resist rewarding her adorableness.

Speaking of often are you supposed to bathe them? I give Choo Choo a bath every Wednesday, and she feels all soft and smells like grapefruit for five days. Is that too often? Or is it acceptable to bathe smaller dogs more often because it's easier and everybody deserves to be clean? 

Oh. New thought. What if the ghost thing that I think is living in my closet is actually a ghost dog and it impregnated my dog out of some misplaced desire to bring joy and sunshine into the world?
Or it just wanted to annoy the living hell out of me.

Either way, Choo Choo is going to have a pregnancy test on Monday. (Yeah, they actually have blood tests to see if dogs are pregnant or not) Though Dr. Kevin Spacey assures me that if she got pregnant in heat in November she'd be about ready to pop right now and I'd definitely be able to feel puppies moving around in her belly. (I felt nothing, but when I put my ear to her tummy I heard noises. Not barks, obviously. But moving noises.)

I haven't decided. I might cancel if she doesn't get fatter. 

My god, I feel like I'm in that movie about aliens where the alien is living inside of the man's body and it suddenly bursts out of his chest and then it puts on a top hat and a spot line shines on it and it dances across the counter of the diner singing, "Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal"...oh, wait, that was Spaceballs, not the alien movie...Well, I feel like a mixture of the two movies in my head except I'm not worried about it killing some useless space traveling man, I'm waiting for the gremlins to come out of my dog. And I would be sad if my Choo Choo died. She's my furry child.


  1. I'd definitely blame the ghost. If it can move a trash can, it can do it doggie style.

  2. Can you kill ghost puppies? I don't think you can kill something created by something already dead. I hope for Choo Choo's sake ghost puppies are easier to birth than regular puppies. Or Doggy Deity puppies.

  3. I was going to speculate on a possible trash can connection as well. Maybe Fleur-De-Lys has something to do with it, or the shootings at the Night Owl. Perhaps Jack Vincennes will be able to crack the case. (The Kevin Spacey references are getting more obscure all the time.)

  4. I was planning on hauling in the Usual Suspects to question them closely in regards to the (suspected) deflowering of my dog. Don't know if I'll be getting any truth out of the star witness, though. He's not very Verbal. :P

  5. Don't rule out an alien impregnation either. I think it's time to round up Prot (sp?).

  6. Well, until we question all of the Ordinary Decent Criminal(s), the father of the puppies remains, at present, John Doe.

  7. How many puppies do you think there are? Seven? It may be time to call in a Negotiator (don't remember the character name).

  8. For all I know there are 21. If there are, I hope Dr. Spacey can find A Time to Kill them all. I don't think Chris Sabian would be an effective Negotiator if we're dealing with an Outbreak of ghost/alien/godlike puppies. Then again, we're all Consenting Adults here and maybe it's Choo Choo's choice about having puppies.

  9. Where would she have these puppies anyway? In the Garden? The Garden is as Good or Evil a place as any, isn't it? Perhaps Jim would help her deliver.

  10. I say get the test, even if she doesn't get any fatter. It's always better to know for sure, one way or the other. Good luck!

  11. George: He would have to have an Iron Will to stay will her until Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. He might be in over his head. Perhaps a good Show of Force would scare the puppies away, though Jim Bakker might be able to aid her in her Fall from Grace.

    Candice: That's what I told Padawan but he's insisting that if the Vet said she wasn't then it would be a waste of money to go in and have him repeat it.

    PS. This is Chanel I'm just not signed in as myself at the moment.

  12. If the good reverend helps her she should have to Pay it Forward, even if it happens somewhere Beyond the Sea. (If I go any further, I'll have to cheat to think of anymore.)

  13. Well if we're going Beyond the Sea we'll end up Swimming with Sharks.

    (And that is the last one that I know of that he was in, except American Beauty and A Bug's Life, and how do you work either of those in?)

  14. I forgot those. Of course he could always get a job with the least amount of responsibility at a fast food restaurant and find grasshoppers in the lettuce mix.

  15. I usually follow anonymously for a couple of months before going public, but anyone who can run a Kevin Spacey free association string like this has my attention.

  16. You know, I thought we did a pretty good job but according to IMDB we didn't even get half of what he's been in.

    Thanks for the follow. I don't make such a studied process of it. I go back and read two pages of posts and if I'm entertained, I follow. Though I don't know if you'll be disappointed in the end or not. I don't think anything I write will ever top the Epicness of this comment thread.


My Shelfari Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog