Wednesday, January 19, 2011


My co-worker JayJay and I were talking last week, and we somehow got onto the subject of bacon. Now, I personally love bacon. It tastes yummy in salad, in mashed potatoes, on baked potatoes, on pizza, on a sandwich or a burger. Bacon is so good it even tastes delicious by itself. It even tastes good on a fresh, warm tortilla with butter. I know it sounds weird. Just try and then tell me that you don't like it. I bet you will love it, though, so I'm not worried.

Anyway, he said something like, "Everything would be better if it tasted like bacon!" Which seems pretty accurate. Even chocolate and bacon taste epic together.

Well, today on his lunch break he wandered around Target to kill time. And he found this:

That's right. Bacon Salt. As in, "We're going to take the salt that you like to put on your food and add the delicious flavor of bacon."

And the slogan says right there. "Everything should taste like bacon."

If I had a better camera on my phone, or if I had brought my camera with me to work, I would have been able to take a better picture in which you could actually read the words. Unfortunately, the batteries had to charge and my cameraphone was all I had to work with, which is exactly why I'm not smiling and holding this next to my face like a bad model on a TV infomercial. My camera on my phone plus florescent lighting equals extremely white skin, remember?

Uses for Bacon Salt:
  1. French Fries
  2. Popcorn
  3. Mashed Potatoes
  4. Baked Potatoes
  5. Bacon
  6. Any Kind of Potato
  7. Burger
  8. Eggs
  9. Omlette
  10. Breakfast Taco
  11. Stir Fry
  12. Salad (in place of salad seasoning)
Basically, there are an infinite number of possibilities for Bacon Salt. You could even put it on steak if you were so inclined, or on top of chicken with Monteray Jack cheese and some mushrooms. Yummy.

But bacon does not aways mean good things. Oh, no. Sometimes, bacon is annoying.

The only time I do not like bacon is when the smell of bacon is on my clothes. My Grandmother's house permanently smells like bacon because she makes bacon in the kitchen five out of seven days of the week, and they've lived in the house for like ever. Since Dinosaurs roamed the earth or something. So the smell has permeated everything. Stand in that house for five minutes, and you will smell like bacon for the rest of the day. Take off your clothes when you get home and toss them in the dirty laundry, the smell of bacon will fill your laundry room within the hour. 

Try explaining to your friends in middle and high school why you always smell like bacon underneath the sweet smell of your shampoo and perfume because they notice. And new friends? High School Boyfriend told me after we started dating that when we first met, he thought my natural body smell was bacon. Like, instead of smelling clean or like BO or something, there was only bacon. Imagine the paranoia after that.

Imagine how horrifying it was going to stay weekends with my best friend and having her immediately pull my clothes out of my overnight bag so she could smell them. Why? Even fresh from the dryer they smelled of bacon, and she loved the smell. 

You know what I hate? 

Those stupid Taco Bell commercials where the two women go to the club and the girl sticks the bacon thing in her purse to attract men. She's all, "Men love bacon." 

And the men are swarming around her, telling her she smells intoxicating.

Bullshit. As High School Boyfriend proved, men don't like chicks who smell like bacon. They think it's weird, and probably a little gross, though nobody has ever said as much. It's just the tone, I guess.

What guy thinks to himself, "Whoa! She smells like bacon! That's awesome!"

No man, that's who.

And if the smell of bacon turns you on...there's probably something wrong with you.


  1. I think it's one of those things that you think would be great in theory, but would tire of very quickly. Bacon is the near perfect food, except for the nitrates and saturated fats.

  2. I don't eat pork (or beef) so it goes without saying that I don't eat bacon...the thought of seasoning anything to taste like bacon is enough to make me gag. Oh my lord...who needs that!? Yuck!!!

  3. Chanel my dear, you REALLY need to log on to YouTube and look up a certain Jim Gaffigan and his thoughts on bacon. Prepare to laugh your head off. His thoughts on the matter are very similar to yours. He goes on for at least 10 minutes. It's fabulous. :)

    So far as my own preferences for bacon go...I like it WITH stuff. You know: Pizza, Burgers, Filet Mignon, Salads...Drool, Drool. But I DO NOT eat that stuff by itself. I can't stand it. Blech. Weird, I know, but true nonetheless.

  4. Extremely white skin, and no nose, if I remember correctly.

    I never tried bacon and chocolate together, but my eating habits are bad enough as it is. I don't think I need to throw that catastrophe into the mix. I'd probably love it, and be dead from heart failure by the end of the year.

    My only beef with bacon. My only problem with bacon is the stuff they put on fast food burgers. I fell for this for years. I'd order a burger, and think, that would be great with a few crispy strips of bacon on it for a few cents more. Well, unfortunately, what they give you doesn't rightly qualify as bacon. It's like...have you ever had a piece of the lining of an old shoe come lose on the inside and it's rubbing against your foot all weird? You just tear it off, toss it aside, and go, "Don't need that anymore", and walk on in comfort. Well, I think fast-food bacon is made from those discarded pieces of old shoe lining. It's tasteless, chewy, and it has all the crispiness of a soggy spaghetti noodle. No, I learned my lesson. I don't order fast-food bacon anymore, no matter how good the picture looks.

    But you give me a frying pan and a big pack of bacon at home...yeah, now we're talking.

  5. George: In a perfect world, Bacon is good for you.

    Jewels: It doesn't surprise me to find someone who doesn't eat pork. steak? None? Why?

    Candice: Oh, I love Jim Gaffigan! He does this thing about Manatees and Waffle House and a Hot Pocket! Padawan says that his bacon bit is even funnier than the hot pockets. In which is in my near future.

    Bryan: Oh yeah. No nose, either. I wonder why that is? And yes. You should totally try chocolate covered bacon. I kid you not. It's freaking awesome. Almost as awesome as eating M&Ms with Popcorn at the movie theater. The salty with the sweet is delicious.

    Sonic has this thing called the bacon breakfast toaster, and the bacon is ALWAYS perfect and cripsy. Since, you know, I don't like bacon if it's not crispy, this is very important to me. Also, Starbucks (which I don't really consider fast food, but it kind of is) has this Bacon and Gouda artisan sandwich and the bacon is always freaking perfect. I wouldn't really know about bacon on burgers, though. I have an intense dislike for ground beef. I like my beef in a steak, and in large chunks in a stew or in carne guisada on my enchiladas. Not much else, though, so I've never had the unfortunate experience with the old shoe lining. Sounds gross, though.

  6. PS. When I say "burger" in my post, I mean what I call a burger. Which is a chicken breast on a hamburger bun rather than a beef thing. Just to clarify since you guys have never been around me at home when I say I want burgers for dinner.


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