Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bam! Just copping a feel.

I had this whole beautiful rant about how much I hate this stupid bitch that pissed me off this morning while I was walking Choo Choo...

But then a six year old boy copped a feel on me at work and I'm trying to decide if I feel more violated or amused. I'd probably feel less violated if I wore a bra. There would have been more padding between his hand and my boob than the thin tank top and long sleeved pull over I happen to be wearing.

I'm not even sure how it happened. This is precisely why I do not like children hanging around my desk talking to me. One second he was telling me about how I was supposed to wear my long sleeves under my short sleeves, and the next second his little hand was right there. BAM! No warning. Just copping a feel. 

Caught off guard, I didn't know how to react. I pulled away, my eyes got big, and I looked up to see JayJay was amused. He saw the whole thing. And I looked back at the kid. He didn't have any reaction to his own diabolical action. I was in shock. How do you react to that?

The last time that happened (yes, this kind of thing has happened before) it was done by my co-workers nephew who was about four years old. And his dad saw him do it and told him that was unacceptable behavior. This kid's dad wasn't around to see it, and I was frankly to shocked by the sudden attack to be able to think of anything to say.

So I just let him go on talking about Sonic until his dad took him home.

Lesson learned. No more letting children hang around my desk, even adorable red headed, brown eyed children that seem to be well behaved. Absolutely not.

Where did he even learn that behavior to begin with? 

I think violated is coming ahead. I'd have to say that was a premeditated action. I am fairly certain he knew exactly what he was doing. 

Little turkey.

Moving on, though, Wheat is now officially pissed at me because I put up a sign on my Facebook that a friend made and shared with me a year ago to motivate herself to lose weight. Apparently, though she's as skinny as a rail, Wheat found this sign incredibly offensive. Never mind that she supports Miley Cyrus on her one way trip to ho-ville, and Ke$ha on her way to skeez-city. Apparently, supporting the degradation of all that women have worked for in the last century is far less a bad thing than sharing a joke an overweight friend made about herself, along with several other signs she made with my own amusement in mind.

Apparently my sister has more of a right to be angry that I said obesity is a disease than I have to say that Miley Cyrus, Brittany Spears, and Ke$ha are doing a really good job in displaying themselves as sexual property rather than free thinking individuals, and are therefore bringing the dignity of Woman down with them. According to her, being a woman doesn't give me the right to be offended by their trash. But she, as a bean pole, is allowed to be offended that an overweight girl made a silly sign on the internet and I shared it with my friends. Because it was funny. 

And after she caused all of that public outrage, everyone went to see the picture in question and they all said the same thing: exactly what part of this is offensive? My own mother, who is about seventy pounds overweight, couldn't see the part of it that was so offensive to my 110 pound sister. 

The truly hilarious part in all of this, though, is that the signs have been up on my Facebook for well over a year now, and she only chooses now to be offended by it. A year. And she just woke up one day and decided she didn't like it.

She is now no longer speaking to me. I wonder if she'll disown me for this. I'm certainly not apologizing. Humor is humor. It knows no bounds. According to her own stipulations, the only funny jokes are the ones made about skinny, brown haired, white men. Everything else is socially unacceptable and politically incorrect.

But she has her own adult website that any kid could happen across by simply googling a certain common name and "wolf", which I find personally disturbing, but I don't say anything because it's her right to do what she wants. Though it's really not socially acceptable to make it open to everyone. There should be an age requirement. 

Hypocritical to the core, though, my sister isn't above telling racist jokes to the (unfortunately) racist members of our family. But it's socially acceptable as long as nobody is around to be offended. And she laughs when she hears them as long as nobody is around who might be offended. It's a front she puts up. She's only offended or morally outraged when there is someone to put on a show for.

I don't think my sister is racist. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying she's a god-damned hypocrite, and I'm sick of her standing on her soapbox when she thinks she's got an audience to listen to and agree with her. It's like those people that go to church on Sunday with their "I'm holier than thou" attitude, and the next day you see them at a strip club guzzling as much beer as they can while stuffing singles into an eighteen year old girl's g-string.

I am not perfect. But I am not a bad person either. And since her whole point was that obese people would be offended if they saw it when it was in fact made by an obese person to motivate herself to lose weight (and she told me I could share it with my Facebook because she'd meant it to be humorous), Wheat had nothing in her corner. She picked a fight, lost, and her response is to now completely ignore me.

She'll get over it when she needs something from me. Probably money. 


  1. Common word combined with "wolf"? Hmmmmm. Let's see.

    "Operation Wolf": No that was a video game.
    "Cry Wolf": Mmm, some kind of tear/furry fetish, perhaps.
    "Bicycle Wolf": Okay, now I'm just throwing random words together.
    "Ravished Wolf": Could that be it?

    Otherwise, I got nothing.

  2. Wheat will get over it, I'm sure. It's what sisters do.

    But hypocritical people drive me nuts too. I mean, who do they think they're fooling, anyway?

    Either way, I'm REALLY wondering about this controversial sign now. Would you be willing to share it on your blog as well as Facebook? Do you think your friend would be okay with that?The curiosity is killing me!

  3. Bryan: I said a common name with "wolf," not a word.

    Candice: She'll get over when she wants something. I guarantee it.

    To hear some of them talk, they're the right hand angels of Jesus himself. And it annoys me.

    I will ask her, since it's her sign. We share the same Facebook friends, she put it up on her Facebook, too. Presumably, she won't have a problem with it. She did direct it at herself, and not at the world at large. So if she says yes...PLEASE keep in mind this was a sign she made for herself to motivate herself to lose weight.

  4. I have to think the kid was getting direction from someone else, wasn't he? Although my sister-in-law talks about some of the kids she has in day care that do these same types of things. It's a shame.
    I'd love to let hypocrites have an earful, but I have never found one who could see the error of their thinking.

  5. I hope he learned it from watching TV and not from watching his dad. And I hope there is some sort of repercussion for copping a feel at day care. THAT is behavior that shouldn't be condoned. It's not cute. Of course, neither is doing it to a total stranger.

    I know everybody CAN be hypocritical, but not everybody is a hypocrite. And I don't throw the word around lightly. You're right, though, I've never met a hypocrite that would admit to being one.

  6. So, it is okay to make jokes about me (skinny, white, brown-haired)?

    That doesn't seem fair. I am offended. Just for that I am going to ignore Wheat.

    Because I don't actually don't know who she is, that is going to be hard (or easy), but I think I will manage.

  7. Don't feel bad. Padawan also fits that very description. You're in good company.

    You can easily avoid her as long as you stay in Houston. She refuses to go within fifty miles of your, um, less than environmentally friendly city.


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