Monday, April 25, 2011

Things I Learned in My First Apartment: Part 1

I graduated from high school and went off to college at the ripe old age of seventeen. When collage didn't work out, mostly due to monetary reasons, I packed my things and returned to my blue sky and white clouds bedroom in with my grandparents in Lago while I tried to figure out what I was going to do.

I spent four months moping around in misery while my older sister squandered her opportunities for school and my younger sisters enjoyed the freedoms of youth that no longer applied to me. And then I got sick and tired of being yelled at for things like eating chips in the living room or playing on my computer in my room all night or going out until four in the morning with my friends...So I went and applied for a job at Wal-Mart and within two hours got a call back for an interview in Electronics.

A few months later, employed and sick of still being nagged, I decided to move out of the house and into an apartment in REAL Austin with my best friend of eight years, J-Lynn. I happily thrust myself into the world of rent and bills and adult responsibilities, and I did well. I borrowed twenty dollars from my grandparents ONCE to feed me after my deposit and first month's rent, and I paid it back and never asked for money again.

There were lots of things that J-Lynn and I learned in our first apartment, and I thought I could share some of those with you guys.


No matter what My Big Fat Greek Wedding says, you should NOT put Windex on a scrape. It's a movie, and movies lie.

Pine Sol is even worse. It will take your already ugly boo boo and turn it into a swollen, neon green monstrosity that smells bad and hurts worse. 

Sucking wasps into a vacuum cleaner is brilliant and effective. However, the nests do not suck in as easily. Torching those with hairspray and a lighter is the far better solution after you suck up the adults.

Lighting phone books on fire takes a little effort, but is worth it. The colors are pretty.

Leaving a white shirt in a sink full of bleach overnight is a really fucking stupid idea if you actually like the shirt you're trying to get the stain out of. It will fall to pieces when you try to pull it out.

Tying a cat toy to a string and then attaching it to a ceiling fan will always seem like a good idea in practice it is very funny, but wrong and unfair to the cats.

It is especially wrong if your roommate has a male cat that hasn't got two brain cells to rub together. He will  actually jump up and attach himself to the cat the toy before being swung around a couple of times by the fan. This is amusing on YouTube, but in your own living room you will feel bad.

Giving a cat a shower and trying to keep him in there long enough to get clean by holding the plastic shower curtain closed on both ends will fail. Every. Single. Time. It's just a bad idea.

It is even worse if you and your (unfortunate) roommate (that would be ME in this scenario) are barefoot and wearing pajama shorts.

Making your apartment an "official no pants zone after one a.m." is only good on nights it is just the two of you. Guy friends will always try to comply.

Letting your friend boil his pipe in your kitchen is not a good idea. The entire apartment will reek of weed for hours, no matter how much air freshener you spray.

Scooping the lumps of feces out of the kitty litter and flushing it down the toilet is bad. It will clog the toilet. Doing this repeatedly and then asking your roommate, "Nae, why does the toilet keep clogging up?" is stupid and annoying. Just leave it at "it's a bad idea" and move on.

So was trying to give the cat a bath in the toilet. Oops. Promised her I wouldn't talk about that one.

Shaving the tip of your cat's tail  is a bad idea. Even if you accidentally dropped the electric groomer and it cut off fur at the tip in a way that looked silly, evening it out will NEVER be a good idea. It will not look better with the whole tip shaved. The tip will closely resemble the tip of a penis and you will not be able to hold her without laughing until it grows back. She will not forgive you, even though you were actually doing her a favor. 

There are several things I learned and this will make for several posts.

But I also have some videos from that time in the apartment. Short, tiny little clips of myself being very amusing. And I will share them with you next long as you all solemnly swear not to judge my eighteen year old self, and also to not take these videos and post them other places on the internet. These videos are NOT on YouTube, and they will NEVER go there. Agreed?

Also, Candice of Thoughts By Candice has seen fit to offer me the Overlord Award again.

So have three more things that I will change.

1. Kolaches will expand to be served in every single city in every single state in the United States. It's a secret that should not be a best kept secret. It should be shared and loved and adored by all! They are delicious, lovely little bits of heaven that bring joy to millions of people!

2. I firmly believe that idiots should not reproduce. If you want to have children, you must be tested. You will not be able to have children if you fail to meet my standards. I do not mean people who just aren't as intelligent as other people. There's a specific type of idiot I am referring to: you may not reproduce if you are ignorant and offensive, xenophobic, racist, prejudice, sexist, homophobic, or generally unable or unwilling to accept people who are different from you. Anyone fitting this description will be reeducated, and if they refuse to learn to be accepting of others they will be "fixed" (yes, like a dog) and then Candice can send them to an Island far, far away where they will all die out eventually. Teaching your children that it takes all sorts to make the world go round is a much better way to look at the world than teaching them to hate people they don't even know. Ignorance breeds ignorance.

3. "Organic" will no longer be ridiculously expensive. I refuse to pay more for something that has been processed less and is supposed to be better for me. Things that are not organic will be more expensive, and fresh things will be cheaper. And no more of this washing lettuce in chlorine. That's just freaking nasty.

4. By the way, health care if free. If you're sick, go to the doctor. 


  1. Don't I know the cost of Organics. 250 dollars a week for the meat and veggies and another 150 at Target for the other shit. I am crying loudly on the inside. It hurts. A lot.

    Lighting phone books on fire takes a little effort, but is worth it. The colors are pretty. I assume this was done in the bathtub or sink. The blaze alone would bring upon the complex a massive bonfire.

  2. Are there unicorns and rainbows in this land too?

  3. Scott, that's like a thousand dollars a month for meant and veggies! That's obscenely expensive!

    No, we actually did it on our balcony safely hidden behind our brick wall where nobody could see what we were up to.

    George, there are rainbows in the world we already live in. Why wouldn't they be in the new one?

  4. I meant an ever present rainbow.

  5. I'm afraid to try to vacuum cleaner thing, or the phone book thing for that matter. The ceiling fan thing is tempting, but I have to agree...that would be mean.

    I can't speak for everyone, but I'll certainly agree to respect your confidence if you post the videos.

  6. It works best if you have a vacuum cleaner with a clear chamber and no bag. That way you can watch as they get sucked up with the hose and then fly around the chamber trying to figure out what happened...they can't get back out, and they eventually starve to death. It's brilliant.

    Thank you for respecting my wishes.

  7. Does your vision of Utopia include not doing mean things to cats? Does it include cats? I don't think mine would.

    Can't wait to see the videos. I will promise not to repost them anywhere, but really only because I don't know how.

  8. We did not do mean things to cats. The toy was tied to the ceiling fan because they wanted to play and we were too tired to keep swinging it around ourselves. We didn't know how her cat would react.

    Of course it doesn't include being mean to cats. It does INCLUDE cats, but you don't have to have them. You need a gold fish, Brent. A nice, quiet little gold fish that sparkles.

    Thank you for your agreement, even if it's only because you can't.

  9. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I will definitely keep it all in mind.


  10. You're welcome. Especially keep in mind the thing about the Windex. I have this feeling that everyone who saw that movie will try that at some point. (She tried the Pine Sol because the Windex wasn't working.)

    No way!!! Really? We are officially the two most awesome Overlordesses EVER. And Jewels, because she outlawed Reality TV and I was totally going to but I thought banning Wal-Mart was more important. The three of us, however, are the ROCKINGEST chicks EVER!

  11. I agree! Maybe we should all create a collaborative Overlordess Universe. I think it could work, we'd each be in charge of a specific zone of the Universe, but we'd get together with all of our minions on a regular basis to make any new laws/changes as necessary. Love it! Let's go! :)

  12. Alright. But I'm also adding that Laser Hair Removal is free to anyone who wants to get it for their legs because I can't be the only woman out there who despises the process of shaving my legs. And I've got thin, fine, damn near invisible blond leg hair. It's got to be worse for women less blessed! It shouldn't be so expensive.

  13. That was great! haha. I loved the Big Fat Greek Wedding reference. I personally only suck up spiders with the vaccuum but yes-they are very effective. :) I love the "no pants zone"!

  14. I went around telling people for years to "put some Windex on it!" until my roommate actually tried it and it didn't actually do any good.

    I've never considered a vacuum to suck up spiders. But now I will! And crickets, too! There's a whole wealth of insect destroying opportunities with vacuum cleaners that I never considered...

    Yes. We actually made a sign and had it framed in our living room. We had to add an addendum specifying only females were subject to the rule.

  15. I'm considering one of those blog widgets with fish for no reason. But no real fish. I can't keep plants alive in my house. I wouldn't want to starve a fish, too.

  16. I love my widget fish! I've named all five of them!


    Even pretend fish are cool.

  17. I can't believe I have only just now discovered your blog! I found your blog through George's blog. I'm using the word "blog" way too much. lol

    Anyway, I am going to happily follow now, for sure. :) I hope you can stop by my blog sometime. :)

    LOVE the background--really gorgeous. :)

  18. You should write an inspirational book. Instead of "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten," you can call it "Silly things we did with cats after 1 a.m. with no pants on."

    Maybe that's not a good name, but you get the point.

  19. First off, I solemnly swear I will never repost or share those videos with another living soul. Secondly, I would like to thank you for reminding me of what a doofus i was when i got my first apartment. Ay-yi-yi. The stupid things we did. I never saw "Big fat Greek Wedding" but when someone got an owie I would always say "Put some butter on it!" Of course, that's not worth a snit either as a remedy and would often make things worse. And, by the way, boiling a pipe is a bad idea. It wastes all the good stuff. Scrape them carefully and recycle it! Just saying...

  20. I am begging for more of these "Things I Learned in My First Apartment" posts. BEGGING.

  21. Frisky Virgin, I am going to call you Frisky for short, just so you know. Thank you for stopping by my blog, and thanks for following! I'll be following to you shortly. I wouldn't get too attached the background. I'm notorious for changing my layout every couple of months when an idea for a new theme strikes. Though there's always a tree at the top.

    Doug, I actually like that title. It says it all and it promises laughter. Laughter is inspiring, right? It inspires you not to do what the person you're laughing at did.

    Darev, why butter? I know some people put butter on burns, but that's actually a pretty bad idea. I've also heard men say, "Rub some dirt in it." Which sounds like a bad idea, too. If you HAVEN'T seen it, YOU NEED TO! It's really, REALLY funny. He boiled the pipe because he was giving it to us. Not to USE. We didn't mess with recreational controlled substances. It was just a really pretty pipe.

    Nicki, I've got LOTS of things I learned in my first apartment. We had fairly good times in that place, between all the learning about what NOT to do.

  22. If only I had known all this 20 years ago, I could have saved my cat a lot of embarrassment!

  23. If I had known this four years ago I could have saved my cat the horror of having a penis tip for a tail!

  24. I think it was something my Grandma used to say. She was always a font of horrible advice. I can't wait for the book to come out.

  25. She must have been an interesting woman. Putting butter on wounds...


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