Monday, April 18, 2011

What is his obsession with my dryer?

Explain something to me.

Explain how on earth my pink headphones managed to appear in the dryer, after four other loads of laundry had been done, with the white towels without having gone through the washer because they still work?

How does this happen??????

You guessed it. 

My headphones have been returned. In my dryer.

They were all twisted from being in the dryer.

And as much as it didn't make sense when Padawan's headphones appeared in there last time, it makes less sense this time. My headphones are pink. My bedroom floor was cleaned. I separated the whites on the floor. White towels in one pile, socks and underwear in another pile, and everything else in a third pile. I washed the lights first, then the darks, then the whites.

And somehow, in the first load of whites, the headphones appeared. But they still work, which clearly means they did not go into the washer first. 

I wish I could tell you how it happened.

But I haven't got the faintest idea. Not even the smallest fraction of a reasonable explanation except to say that I believe Kane really exists and he is trying to drive me absolutely insane.

It's especially suspicious that my headphones appeared after I told Kane (while Padawan wasn't home, obviously, because I don't want him to think I'm nuts) that he could stay with me if he wanted and I didn't particularly care what he did to Padawan's things, but I would totally perform a cleansing and kick his ass out if he didn't return my things and leave them alone from now on.

But that's not even the weird part.

One of my two missing shirts has made a miraculous reappearance.

Hanging up in my closet. 

Inside out.

With deodorant marks on it. 

My dirty shirt was hanging up in my closet. I do not hang up clothes after I've worn them. It doesn't matter if I only wore something for an hour. Or just five minutes. Once it's been on my body and pulled off again, it's dirty. I do not hang them back up until they come out of the dryer.

Padawan hangs things even though they've been worn.

So I asked him. "Padawan, did you take my shirt out of the dirty clothes hamper and hang it up in my closet because I only wore it long enough to see a movie?"

"No. You hate it when I hang up my own shirts after I've worn them. Why would I hang up YOUR shirts? Do you think I'm trying to make you kill me?"

"Well how else could it have gotten up there? It wasn't even hung up properly! It was inside out!"

"All I can tell you is I didn't do it."

And I found them within minutes of each other. How ridiculous is that?

Aside from that bit of insanity, Saturday was Padawan's first day of his new schedule. He is now off on Saturdays and Sundays, and he works nine to six Monday through Friday. This new schedule has some advantages. He no longer has to get up at four in the morning, we can stay out later than ten o'clock on Friday and Saturday nights, and even on weeknights because he doesn't have to worry about not getting enough sleep, and we can finally enjoy having one day off a week together.

The down side is that he no longer gets off at three in the afternoon so he feels like his days are shorter and he has less time to accomplish daily things, like being there when packages are delivered or when maintenance comes by to change the AC filter. He also won't be able to pick Master Plo Koon up on Mondays and Fridays anymore because he can't get from his office building in Austin all the way to Leander in rush hour traffic in half an hour. (Master Plo Koon has to be picked up by 6:30 Monday through Friday.)

This means, of course, that Clueless will have to take on the responsibility of picking Master Plo Koon up and dropping him off at our apartment. She could, of course, just watch him for a couple of hours until Mother comes home because she lives with them and it's a much shorter drive from their house to the school. But when she was asked to watch him...

Well, the short of it is she would rather spend the gas to pick him up and bring him all the way to Northwest Austin in rush hour traffic to leave with us than stay there and watch him for an hour to two hours at most twice a week.  Actually, Mother had to work on Saturday (she does it once a month) and she asked Clueless to watch him and she said, "Oh, no. I can't. I have to go to work at noon."

She's a waitress, and the restaurant she works at doesn't even open until four in the afternoon. Why would she possibly need to be there four hours before opening? The short version is that she just didn't want to watch him. She also insisted that since Mother was driving by our apartment on her way to work anyway, she might as well just drop Master Plo Koon off on her way to work Saturday morning. 

Bam. She didn't even have to watch him for a couple of hours, and no one was around to prove that she didn't have to be at work until four. 

And it's not that I don't like having Master Plo Koon around. It's just...his sister should take some of the responsibility of looking after him, too. She lives with them, rent and bill free, and she literally does nothing for anybody else, but expects to be bailed out of whatever mess she gets herself into while she screams and blames everyone else for her problems. 

Also, it drives me absolutely nuts that Master Plo Koon plays with my things when I'm not there, leaves Legos under the blankets on my side of the bed, stuffs his socks in between the cushions of the furniture and leaves it there, helps himself to whatever he wants without asking and then acts like I'm a monster for telling him he should ask first because it's not his stuff, and he leaves food laying around on the floor and furniture where Choo Choo generally finds it. These things irritate me, and no matter how many times I tell him not to do theses things, no matter how often I tell him don't play on the exercise bike, he does it anyway. And when I get onto him for the millionth time he says, "I forgot! I have more important things to think about than what I'm not allowed to do."

It's moments like those that drive home the fact I'm not cut out for parenthood. I want nothing more than to say, "Well, then, you just sit in that chair and stare at the wall until your mother gets here so you don't have to worry about misbehaving."

And as bad as he is with us sometimes...he completely walks over his mother. She'll come pick him up and tell him, "Put on your socks and shoes. I have cold groceries in the car. We need to leave now," and he'll keep playing his game for five more minutes until I snap at him to listen to his mother. Then he puts his shoes on, sits down, and starts playing the video game again. And she'll say, "Come on, we need to leave," he'll say, "Wait! I'm not done!"

And that's when I generally get fed up and I say, "Your mother just told you to do something. Turn off the game now or I'll turn it off for you. She has groceries sitting in the car." And most of the time that works. But sometimes it doesn't and I go and shut off the TV just like I threatened. 

It's not that I don't adore Master Plo Koon. I do. I just think he's entirely too spoiled for his own good, and I think Clueless should have to deal with his behavior a couple of hours a week. Of course, knowing her she'd ignore him and let him do whatever he wanted and he'd probably end up electrocuting himself or something.


I really can't wait to see how all of this unfolds after Clueless's court date. Last time she got two months, but got out on good behavior after a month. What do you think they'll give her this time? A year? Two years?


  1. Wasn't a theory posed the last time about your dryer being a portal of some type? It would seem that Bryan would be the one to pose a theory like that, but I wouldn't swear to it.
    The other explanation is that Padawan placed the headphones in the dryer to cover the fact that he used them and put them the same place his mysteriously showed up the last time. Would one of your sisters explain the clothes?

  2. Yes, I think Doug and Bryan both decided my dryer was a portal in which all lost things appear. So where are my earrings?

    My sisters couldn't explain the shirt as one of them lives five hours away and hasn't been home in over six months, and the other two haven't been in my apartment at all in the last three weeks. I still suspect Padawan on the shirt. I think he did it because it annoys him that I consider clothes dirty after wearing them for a few minutes.

  3. How did your headphones get mixed in with the towels in the first place? Were you wearing them in the shower? If that's the case, you're going to need to post photographs of that as well. I don't want any lose ends on this case. No stone left unturned. You hear me?

  4. I would never wear my headphones in the shower. Isn't that how you get electrocuted? Then again...

    I supposed if I tucked the headphones and my iPod into my shower cap and pulled it over my ears I could listen to my iPod in the shower...

    But that defeats the purpose of the iHome in the bathroom.

    I have never worn my headphones in the shower, so that picture would be pointless.

    And I really know that wasn't me because I don't use the white towels. The white towels are Padawan's. My towels are all varying shades of blue. We have separate towel colors so he doesn't use mine in the mornings. I hate my towels being wet when I get up for a shower. It irritates me.

  5. Kane must have understood my plea and decided to obey my request to use the dryer to return your things. Even if it was only your headphones, that's a gesture of good faith, I think. :)

    I deal with my son in pretty much the same way you deal with Master Plo Koon. He either stops messing around and obeys or he loses priveleges. He's a really good kid, but he has his moments...

    Here's hoping Clueless will get something a little more harsh than a slap on the wrist this time. She needs a more severe wake up call. There has to be SOMETHING that will get her to stop making the same dangerous mistakes over and over again!

  6. It seems no matter how much I seance Kane and ask him for his assistance with Bryan's photo op, someone goes and discredits the reasons for having them. I give up. Someone needs to call in that old guy from the Exorcist movies, or Gabriel Burns...he played a fairly decent priest with issues.

  7. You tell him I still want my earrings back! If not all of them, AT LEAST the Pink Floyd ones. I can't replace those! The girl who made them said they discontinued the model of pick she used!

    I think every kid has his moments. That's part of being a kid. And I know that children who aren't disciplined regularly like to push the boundaries whenever they can, just to see how much they can get away with before getting a spanking. Sometimes, I want to spank him.

    I was reading up on it. She could get anywhere from 30 days to 1 year, but since she hit somebody and it was the second time in less than six months she'll probably get the maximum. She'll also have to pay a fine up to $4000. There's also a surcharge of $1500 a year for three years, plus the normal surcharges for the points on her license. She's looking at another two years on her suspended license, and she'll have to have a breathalyser ignition starter on her car, which will cost a monthly charge when she gets her occupational license pushed through.

    She'll either learn, or she'll do it again. And if she does, I hope she really likes the ten years she'll be spending in prison.

  8. Scott, I don't want a priest with issues! I want a priest who can either get my earrings back or get him out for good! If I were a ghost, and someone with emotional and psychological issues tried to chase me out, I'd mess with his head until he was weak enough and then take over his body.

    I'd rather Kevin Spacey came in dressed as a priest and handled it. That would be good.

  9. Or this guy...

  10. Yeah, he could work. He's a little creepy, and I think his main thing is Vampires, but I think a nonviolent ghost is probably easier than vampires. So we're good.

  11. So this may seem mushy compared to all your other comments about dryer portals (they do exist! They do!), but I think it's amazing that you do your part to help out with Master P. K. Padawan, too. It's what SHOULD happen in this world...but then you have people like Clueless who would rather drive him to your apartment (?) then watch him. SO GOOD FOR YOU for being the responsible one.

    And Kane? Watch it, buddy. We're on to you.

  12. Clothes that hang themselves and items that find themselves? What are you complaining about!? haha.

    I totally understand kids leaving things all over, socks, trash, etc. The kids I nanny for have no problems leaving shoes on the sofa, jackets by the door, dairy queen on the coffee table (all of which the dog then chews). All I can say is that these things all take place after I leave for the night but I HATE walking in at 7am to clean up chewed up food wrappers and toys they carelessly left around the night before. Grrr

  13. Im glad you had a little chat with Kane and it seems to have gone well.

    I live with a Roomie and her 4yr old son which I have nick named Douche Muffin, yea look that one up on urban dictionary.

  14. Alright, I'll try talking to him again. Here goes...(Clears throat...)

    Kane: Wow! Thanks for returning the headphones AND the shirt! It was really nice of you, and don't think we don't see the kindness involved in the gesture. However, I do have one more request...Chanel REALLY needs her earrings back, even if it's just the Pink Floyd ones. Could you please find a way to return them to her? I'm sure she would appreciate it a great deal, and may even help lead you to some of Padawan's coolest stuff to steal. Thanks again, Kane. We really appreciate your help on this!

    Okay, let me know if that helps! Good luck! :)

  15. Nicki, you'd think she'd take more of an interest in her little brother, wouldn't you? He's a pretty bright, motivated kid. And when he's not deliberately ignoring adults, he's pretty fun. (One day I will secretly film him singing and dancing randomly. He does it all the time. And funny voices. He loves doing funny voices.) I wish she'd try a little harder to help her mother. I feel sorry for her. She's in her mid fifties and she's still raising two children.

    Jewels, well I wouldn't mind so much if it was the CLEAN clothes that hung themselves! But I don't want DIRTY clothes hanging in my closet! That's gross!

    I don't understand children that do that, though. We HAD to clean up after ourselves when we were kids. My older sister and I started doing the dishes when she was seven and I was six! We had to take our shoes off in our rooms and put them on their shelves. We certainly didn't leave trash lying around for our two labs and German Shepard to tear apart! And we definitely didn't expect our watcher to clean up after us. She was paid to keep us from killing each other and to help us with our homework. Children today are so different from the way I was brought up. And I'm not even that old yet! I don't understand how you can put up with children every day that make messes for you to clean up. You must be a saint, or you must really love children.

    Rebecca, not well enough. I still want those earrings. Seriously, THAT awesome.

    Douche Muffin: a child that has surpassed the classification of brat and gone into the realm of douche.

    Wow. How can you live with a kid that fits that description? Doesn't he get spanked? Spanking goes a long way!

  16. Candice, thanks for talking to him!

    You might also tell him that I will give him access to Padawan's super cool, totally awesome nerd headphones with the microphone headset and the background noise canceling mic attatchment thing.

    Also, he can totally keep the burning man earrings. Just give me back Dark Side of the Moon.

    Thank for talking to him again! Really! I hope it works.

    EVERYBODY...if you could ALL make a concentrated effort to have Kane give back my earrings...I'd greatly appreciate it.

    Or maybe he fed them to Choo Choo...

  17. Master Plo Koon and my son could be seperated at birth. "I forgot!" I hate those words SO SO much!! How old is he again? 9? 10? My son is 10 so I can totally sympathize with your fustration with him.

  18. I used my "cop" voice and told him to give them back NOW. Sometimes it works. It used to work with the kids, too.

  19. Asha, he is nine years old. I sympathize with you way more. You've got your son "forgetting" (how do you forget something that's been a rule for three years?) twenty four seven. I've only got Master Plo Koon two or three times a week, and just for a couple of hours. I wouldn't be nearly as...forgiving...if I had him full time. It must be something they teach children between the ages of eight and eleven..."Forgetting" is the best way to keep out of trouble. Except it just irritates the adults.

    Darev, I don't have a cop voice. I just have my, "I'm really, REALLY irritated and I'm about to pop you one" voice. Which apparently isn't effective because everybody just says I'm adorable when I'm angry. Maybe I could get a recording of a cop voice saying NOW! and see how that works? Kids, ghosts...even on Choo Choo!

  20. "I forgot! I have more important things to think about than what I'm not allowed to do."

    I like that kid.

  21. You like the kid. That's cool. I like him, too. I DON'T like the attitude.

    And you only like the attitude because you're still mad at the Randomizer.

  22. What "randomizer?"

    Oh, you mean the Bryan-picking-let's-make-up-an-excuse-why-i-am-putting-him-first-and-ignoring-Scott-completely-made-up randomizer?

    I'd forgotten about it.

    I don't feel sorry for myself for not getting the cupcake, but on behalf of Atypical Scott. He has two blogs now and a facebook fan page. He. deserves some recognition.

  23. I'll bet you are adorable when you're angry. That's one handicap I've never had. Take a deep breath. Imagine an invisible line going through your spine just below your shoulder blades and coming out your mouth. That's where the cop voice comes from.

  24. Doug, I didn't make up the Randomizer. That would defeat the purpose of not picking who to give the award to.

    On behalf of Bryan, he has THREE blogs and a short story available for purchase on That's just as cool as Scott's accomplishments. And as I said, I just fed the names in in alphabetical order of blog written, and it rearranged the names in a random fashion. Though all of the chosen names to to have either five or seven letters. Which means that even it Scott had been picked, four letter Doug would have been left out anyway. Sorry. :( I will make it up to Scott since you think it is so important.

    Darev, I am not adorable when I'm angry. I am fierce and a lioness, but with less teeth!

    Hey! I made Choo Choo jump when I told her no! I have my own cop voice! Whee!


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