Friday, April 15, 2011

The Return of the Kane

Kane has returned.

He moved my pink sapphire necklace that Padawan bought for me for Christmas in '09.

He was doing something in the corner behind my desk the other morning because Choo Choo was standing there watching the corner, growling at nothing, and barked a couple of times. I can only assume that she was barking at his invisible, obnoxious self.

Our forks are disappearing. I can't for the life of me fathom any other explanation for the fact that we had twelve dinner forks and four salad forks when we first moved into the apartment, and now we have four forks total. Where did they go? And while we're talking about silverware...we had twelve teaspoons and four tablespoons. Now we have six teaspoons and three tablespoons. How did that happen?

I've searched the car and the entire apartment to no avail. They are just GONE. How does that happen? 

I have no idea. But I'm also missing a blue shirt and a black shirt that I wear frequently but can't find anywhere, and the only place they can be is our apartment because it's not like I take my clothes off anywhere else. But I can't find them. 

Then there was this morning in which Padawan INSISTED his phone was NOT on the nightstand (this was at six o'clock, when he was supposed to be arriving at work, not just waking up) and I needed to call it. Well, I called it and it was on the nightstand. So either he was too lazy to feel around for it, or it just magically appeared. But why didn't the alarms go off? We checked. They were set. They just didn't activate for some reason. 






I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I can feel it. Things moving to places I can't possibly reach. Phone alarms not going off. Strange noises in the night that make no sense. Wednesday I was in the living room watching a movie and I heard a loud crash from the kitchen. Choo Choo was on my lap. When I examined the kitchen there was nothing out of place. No mess on the floors, the cabinets were all neatly organized. What had been the noise?

I didn't IMAGINE it.

Choo Choo jumped, too.


This is the most important evidence in the entire chain of events. I use my headphones EVERY SINGLE DAY. I NEVER disconnect them from my iPod. And somehow, my iPod is in my bag, but my headphones are missing. The only time this has ever happened before was when Padawan borrowed them because he couldn't find his. But Padawan swears up and down he didn't borrow my headphones this time. He swears this time it wasn't him.

But where did they go? I used them when I walked to work Tuesday. They were in there on Wednesday night because I wrapped them neatly around my iPod and put them in their designated pocket in my bag. But when I went to put my headphones on yesterday morning to walk to work my iPod was there, but the headphones were not.

There are two explanations: Padawan borrowed them and lost them and doesn't want to fess up, or Kane hid them from me.

I checked the dryer. Not there.

I checked the couch cushions. Not there.

I checked the round chair. Not a sign of them.

I checked work.

Every single purse I've used in the last month.

My jeans pockets, even though I don't USE the pockets on my jeans because they're USELESS and can't hold anything.





Whatever you want to call it, they aren't anywhere I can find them. I can't even say that they're on the same planet as I am. For all I know Kane took them to Outer Space and left them floating by the moon, or planted them on Mars for the Rover to find someday. 

And where are my Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon earrings? And my Apple Record's Beatles earrings? And my John Lennon/George Harrison earrings? WHERE ARE ALL OF MY AWESOME EARRINGS???? How did they disappear from my jewelry box? I haven't worn them. But they are not there.

I suspect that either Clueless has borrowed my jewelry without asking when she's come around, or Kane is actually a woman and is taking my things because SHE wants to feel pretty.

This is why I can't have nice things. 


  1. I thought you'd save that last line for when you have children. Kane has been pretty active.
    Have you noticed the eating utensils missing just since you have been doing the dishes, or has this been an on going thing?
    Maybe Kane is a cross dresser. You'll know if your stuff is all stretched out when you eventually find it.

  2. Geez, just when you think you're going to get a break from that pesky ghost, he up and starts messing with things again!

    You know what? I'll see if I can reason with him:

    Kane, you need to be nicer. Give Chanel a break, okay? Whatever you've stolen, just put it into the dryer so she can find them, and cool it with the random noises and malfunctioning alarms. You seem to be a pretty reasonable sort, why not make things a little easier on Chanel? She is, after all, allowing you to stay at her place and hasn't even called one exorcist yet. Let bygones be bygones and go bother the Crazy Dog-Kicking Bitch next door. She could use a good shaking up, and you already know one of her greatest fears! Thanks Kane. I knew you'd understand.

    Alright, let me know if that helps. If not, we may need to take more extreme measures!

  3. George, I think having a ghost is probably as bad as having children. I noticed that we seemed to be short on forks before I did dishes, but I just assumed that was because Padawan was just lazy about the dishes and they were always dirty. Now that I'm doing dishes I know exactly how many we have and don't have. I knew how much we had when we moved in because we had new sets.

    That's no sure sign. Maybe Kane was a really skinny Emo man thing that was so small he could wear girl's clothing. There wouldn't necessarily be stretching.

    Candice, I thought he retired after he hid Tyler's phone. Apparently Utah just wasn't exciting enough for him and he's back to bugging me.

    I would LOVE for him to go bug the Dog Kicking Bitch. He could do wonders for her.

    I just want my headphones back. I can buy/make new guitar pick earrings. I just need the headphones. And my shirts. I want my shirts back.

  4. Your right about the clothes, ghosts don't eat much so they can probably squeeze into just about anything they want.

  5. Yup. I hope to catch him in the act!

  6. Oh goodness, ask Kane if he has my husband's ipod. I hope he returns your stuff.
    You know, if I were a ghost I'd be a pain in the ass too. It must get boring. ;)

  7. Pesky things, ghosts. There are ways of getting rid of them but it would be best if you found your stuff first. If you banished Kane without finding his stash it might just go elsewhere with him.

  8. I think it's either Kane or Dog-Kicking Bitch. She is my very favorite villain.

  9. I'm thinking someone, a friend perhaps, is in need of silverware for the planned party that the Mad Hatter is preparing for. I am certain there is a white rabbit around somewhere, and you will soon follow it down the rabbit hole. Once there, you will find the clothes, the silverware, the earrings, which is probably being worn as we speak by the Queen, and soon a "drink me" bottle will appear from the kitchen upon the next time you hear something go bump in the night.

    I was going to make a comment about you not taking your clothes off anywhere but home (very funny had I done so) but already feel like the resident pervert.

    You might try repeating Kane over and over again in a dark bathroom and see if he or she appears in the mirror wearing the Dark Side of the Moon earrings.

  10. As you can tell I suck at reading back story....Have you had a little chat with this Kane fellow?? Ask him nicely to play nice, and if he doesn't you will go get some sage and evict him.

    Try might work.

  11. Asha, how could it POSSIBLY be boring to walk through walls and fly? And he could talk to other ghosts and animals so it's not like he's alone or anything. I think he was probably a pain when he was alive and he hasn't lost the irritating factor in the after life so he just goes on doing what he's always done best. If the iPod is missing I'd check the dryer and the couch. Those are Kane's favorite hiding places.

    Darev, yeah my little sister suggested a spiritual cleansing with burning a smudge stick of sage. But I'd really like my earrings back, first. Also, Padawan says I'm not allowed to burn anything but candles inside the apartment.

    Nicki, maybe I should leave her a note demanding my property back or I'll send a ghost to haunt her. If she's afraid of five pound dogs, she's GOT to be afraid of ghosts, right?

    Scott, I wouldn't follow the White Rabbit, even if he was wearing a coat and had a pocket watch. That never ends well for anyone involved. Look at what happened to Alice. And Neo.

    There is nothing perverted that can possibly be construed out of the fact that I take my clothes off inside of my apartment. If I had said I could have lost the shirts anywhere because I make a frequent habit of stripping in odd places, then there could be something perverted there.

    I'm afraid if I did that Bloody Mary might show up just to spite me.

  12. I think he's been to my house. My socks are disappearing. He takes one from each pair, so I end up with socks but no matches.

    If your clothes are disappearing then I suggest that when you take your clothes off you document it with photographs, then you can post them here and by golly we'll get to the bottom of this mystery.

  13. Rebecca, that's what my sister said. But she also thinks Kane is an alien, not a ghost. Or a demon. She has lots of theories. Either way, I'm still not allowed to burn sage in the apartment.

  14. Bryan, socks are made to be single. They hate being forced to be mated with other socks just because they look alike. I bet your socks are just hiding.

    You're suggesting I take pictures of my dirty laundry hamper (which is where clothes go when I take them off) so you guys can help me solve the mystery?


  15. Yea I wasn't either but I kept getting smacked as I walked past the basement door. So something had to be done. Or just wait till its Padawan's stuff that seriously starts missing....
    Open the windows and do it when no one is home HAHAAHA Poof bye bye Kane.

  16. Do I follow up on Bryan's last comment or not?

  17. Ummm, yeah...that would be weird. What was I thinking?

  18. Hmmm...he must have just been on vacation. Maybe we can give him a nice severance package to leave you alone. He can keep the earrings, and the silverware, but he has to give back the headphones and shirts. It could work! :)

  19. Rebecca, well it's not like the smoke detectors aren't used to going off. They start beeping when I set the oven to broil and there's nothing even in it yet. Padawan's stuff HAS gone missing. It just always comes back...eventually.

    George, I don't know. Do you? If you're seconding the hamper idea, how does it make sense to take a picture of the clothes in the hamper? The picture can't see them disappear.

    Bryan, that maybe I would capture a picture of Kane standing next to the laundry hamper waiting to take another shirt?

    Candice, I want the earrings back! They were all one of a kind! I made one pair, and the other two were made by a local girl and they had beads and sparklies on them! I can't go without the earrings. He can keep the silverware.

  20. Ya, that was the idea...taking pictures of the dirty clothes that you have just taken off.

  21. Well what else would I take pictures of in


    Wow. That just clicked in my head.

  22. What did I miss? Who's Kane? Isn't there a wrestler named Kane? Did that already get explained and joked about and now I'm the lame-o who's late to the party again?

  23. Hee hee hee! Drat! And just when we were sooooo close.... **sigh** Why couldn't you be just a little more gullible? At least for a few minutes? You can also try sprinkling some salt around instead of burning sage. Start at the back and work your way forward towards an open window. Of course, you'll have to run the vacuum cleaner afterwards.

  24. Brent, Kane is my ghost/demon/alien/other worldly entity (we aren't really sure WHAT he is: my sister has several theories) that has taken up residence in my apartment. Except for a temporary reprieve in which I think he was in Utah irritating Candice. Mostly he just moves things around to drive me crazy.

    Darev, am I the only one that didn't get that immediately?

    Salt gets rid of paranormal beings? Now how does that work? I've never heard of that, except for in Hocus Pocus. They said salt protected from witches if you circled yourself with it...

  25. They also used salt in that movie "The Skeleton Key"

    I can't wait to hear if/when things are found.

  26. I haven't seen Skeleton Key.

    I keep checking the dryer. (That's where the headphones turned up last time...weeks after they'd gone missing.) Nothing so far.


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