Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Universe...is really cruel.

Dear Universe, 

Great balls of fire! Have you no compassion on my frazzled nerves? Is it not enough that you sent Chris on Friday after the cricket and the shower and the make up and the coffee?

Did you really have to send Dog Kicking Bitch into the store Monday?

Think about that for a second. Did you really, really need to send them? 

Was it abso-fucking-lutely necessary? 

Did I pulverize a pack of puppies in a past life? Murder a litter of kittens? Did I personally crucify Jesus Christ? Am I responsible for the Holocaust or something? Just tell me, please. How have I offended you? 

Because whatever it was, no matter how fun it was at the time I was doing it (because being bad can sometimes be very fun), I am very, very sorry, and I will never do it again. I swear on Stone Henge and the Louvre and Florence and the Beatles and my iPod and Choo Choo and my own personal life. What I did that was so offensive to you then, I will not repeat again.

Just stop torturing me. 

That's all I want. Just to be safe and comfortable in my own little space of life. I don't ask for overlap. I don't like the idea of my personal life connecting with my professional life. Damn it, it's just not good! Especially when I don't like the people coming!

Alright, so I'm pretty OK with the children as far as kids go. They like my dog and my dog adores them, so brownie points to them. But the mother? 


You are a cruel, cruel Universe.

I hate you very much right now.




  1. What the hell was she doing in the store!? Did you tell her that if she came there to kick your dog, then she was out of luck because the dog was at home? (I'm assuming you don't take your dog to work.)

  2. This has to be revenge for putting The Universe on The List. However, we must not be swayed. We just have to up the ante and put that extra black mark next to The Universe's name, making its place on the list a lot more precarious. Watch it, Universe! You're on VERY thin ice, right now!

  3. I HAVE taken my dog to work, but I don't normally. She wasn't there Monday (good thing! She'd have gone nuts!).

    Okay, this is really going to sound awful but my coworkers insist that the reason it happened was because no Asian can live within a two minute drive of a music store without coming by to look at pianos because their children are musical geniuses.

    They were interested in buying a piano. And after they left I told our piano sales people that if one of them sold a piano to my neighbors I would personally murder them and their bodies would never be found. Piano+kids+apartments=HELL NO.

  4. You should have kicked her. ;)

  5. Candice, yes! WE SHALL NOT SURRENDER! *insert appropriate version of Braveheart speech here* *lifts up kilt* FREEDOM! Universe, you have been warned again. Next time means business.

    Asha, I would have liked to...she was just the kind of customer I hate! Even if I hadn't hated her, I would have hated her!

  6. "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone" I think that means dog kicking whores. Just sayin'

  7. You should have said, "I'm sorry. We don't sell any instruments that you play by kicking them."

  8. Rebecca, I'm only allowed to ignore customers when I have a reason. I'm not allowed to kick them out unless they sexually harass me. All I could do was get her someone else to answer her questions.

    Bryan, oh that would have been brilliant! Too bad the opportunity has passed. And as brilliant as it would be to say it, it's not worth her coming into the store again. That was just awkward....

  9. Can you get anymore anti-pc with the Asians and pianos comment? Tell us how good they are in school and how bad a driver they are. True or not, you can't say that.
    Please don't invoke the name of the fab four, you'll only make matters worse.
    I can't believe that the cosmic tree doesn't protect you from these things. Maybe you're just being tested, something to make you stronger.

  10. Your store and life are very similar to Clerks or Mallrats. I wait for the post about the fat guy standing in front of the store staring at one of those 3D images that jump out at you at one point or another.

    "Why can't I see the goddamn sailboat!"

  11. Tell her if she buys a piano that you are going to take up the bagpipes. That should do it.

  12. George, well I didn't say it. That's what they told me was the answer! I never would have thought anything but absolute horror about it. I have no idea how her driving is, but she can't park to save her life. She's always two feet over the line on the passenger side. It annoys Padawan, but he says not being able to park is a woman thing. And if I'm being tested...it's still not fair.

    Scott, Padawan has told me I need to watch Clerks and Clerks 2 but I haven't and I won't. I don't have customers saying things about sailboats, but there is one customer who always stops and bows to the giant poster of Jimmy Hendrix that sits on the wall behind me when I'm at the desk. Does that count?

    Darev, I have a flute. I could just make war that way. And we don't sell bagpipes so where would I get a set?

  13. Just Clerks, the second one is terrible in comparison.

  14. Padawan agrees. But I'm still not watching it.

  15. Clerks was great! "37?? My girlfriend sucked thirty seven dicks!!" "In a row??" That part brings me to tears everytime.

  16. Wow...her lips must have been really chapped by the time number 37 came around...

  17. At least you've always got Florence. She can rock the terrible out of almost anything.

  18. I don't think it was 37 in a row.

    So, did you have to talk to the bitch? Or did you ignore her?

  19. Dog-kicking bitches don't deserve pianos.

    The. End.

  20. Doug, she asked me a question and I told her I would get someone to help her. Then I sent a coworker over. I said six words and that was it.

    Nicki, they absolutely do not.

  21. Oh No! I love how you threatened the sales people not to sell her a piano! That's too funny. Crossing my fingers that she never comes back.

    AND, I have an award for you over on my page. Whenever you want it, it's sitting nicely for you to come get it. :)

    Take care, hun. Hopefully the universe starts taking pity on you and starts sending only good things your way. *hugs*

  22. It was necessary to threaten their lives. I couldn't risk them selling her one. I'd never get any peace and quiet with two children banging on a piano at all hours...

    Whee! An award! Thank you! I don't know what it is yet, but I love it!

    Hopefully the universe starts sending everybody teddy bears and unicorns. That would be nice. Or at the very least send out some free gummy bears.


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