Friday, April 22, 2011

Prepare yourselves for TOTAL DOMINATION at the hands of your new, all-powerful Overlord(ess)!

Things To Remember If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord(ess) 

I think THAT particular site is well worth a read, and yes, I've had that site bookmarked for AGES because I just knew one day I would find a way to work it into a post. And look at that. A perfect reason. Obviously there are some flaws in this person's planning as some of those things clearly apply to MALE Overlords, but you can see how I would admire (for the most part) the mind of the writer. And yes, I agree with a vast majority of it. Evil takes careful planning.

In case you're wondering why I've decided to share this link, it is because Bryan gave me an award from this blog, not this one. It's completely relevant to this post because the award in question was...


Can I get a muah-ha-haa?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Muah ha ha ha ha haa!

Enough of that. Can't be a successful evil Overlord(ess) if I get distracted by the sound of my own evil laugh. But you have to admit, it's a pretty awesome evil laugh, isn't it? You should hear it in real life. It's pretty spectacular. Of course, in real life I very rarely get to use it. Mostly it just happens when I'm playing Uno with my family and they think they've finally beaten me, but I'm a completely masterful player and I always win. And when I realize that I've got them all beat, I do the evil laugh. It just happens. And then they all fold before I even play my final cards, and when I finish them off with my brilliant strategy (that they never learn from) I feel like I've just conquered the world.

Anyway, the award has rules.

1. List three things you would change if you were Overlord(ess)

2. List ten blogs worthy of world domination.

3. Contact them about their bastard, I mean award.

Why do I only get to change three things, though? That hardly seems fair. If I was Overlord(ess) I would certainly have the power to change whatever the hell I wanted, and I certainly wouldn't leave it at just three things.

  1. We're getting rid of this whole "abstinence is the only way" bullshit in school. I personally always thought that was a bullshit thing anyway. Abstinence is not the only answer, and when you don't supply alternative information to them, teenagers, who are going to have sex anyway, just sneak around and have unprotected sex and then wind up pregnant and/or diseased. It makes a lot more sense to do what my mom did. Take a deep breath and say, "Kids, if you're going to have sex just use a damn condom." Any teachers found saying any variation of, "If you have sex you're going to get pregnant, no matter what you do to prevent pregnancy, and you'll get AIDS. So just don't have sex," will be re-educated. Teenagers aren't stupid. They're going to have sex no matter what lies you tell them. (By the way, when I was eleven my teacher informed the class that you would DEFINITELY get pregnant if you had sex without a condom, and you'd have a 99% chance of getting pregnant with a condom. Obviously that's nowhere near accurate, and I hate misinformation.)

  2. Blowjobs are hereby outlawed. The female equivalent, however, is a mandatory bi-weekly occurrence. Violators of this law will be prosecuted with the harshest punishment available. (This will teach you to mess with me, oh slightly less mighty in comparison to me Overlord who thinks he can do whatever he wants.) And in case you're wondering what that punishment will be...Men who refuse the bi-weekly action will be put in pens underground and used only for breeding stock, but not in the pleasurable way you'd like that to mean. You shall not be love slaves. You will provide specimen weekly, and if you refuse there are shocking ways with which we can retrieve your swimmers. It involves a probe, though. So you should just give your wives/girlfriends what they want. (Obviously, gay men are completely exempt from this change. Don't think it's fair? Tough! I am the Overlord(ess)! My will be done!)

  3. Anybody found guilty of abusing a child or an animal shall be abused in the same way as the victim. And if I feel particularly vindictive, I may do a little more. I've been favoring the idea of Chinese Water Torture, for instance. And I just watched this movie called "Hard Candy" which gave me a few ideas for child molesters. And believe me, there is no END to the amount of evil things I can think of for justice on behalf of those who are too young and too small to defend themselves.

  4. Just because I hate being limited, here's a fourth rule: Wal-Mart is officially closed down.
Now, the next rule says something about ten bloggers worthy of world domination. But I don't feel like ten since I've also got another award to dish out. Some of the other Overlords have just given three. Well, I will give out five.

Let's see...

Obviously to Candice, because we've already decided that if I took over the world she'd be my right hand woman. So I'd like to see how she would handle being Overlord(ess).

Then to Jewels. Frankly, I think she could do a good job dominating the world.

Then to Doug. He's going to be President anyway, so why not just take it a step further?

Jenna. Have you guys heard about Ms. Jenna? She jumps right into the middle of a fight to break it up. She fears nothing and no one. You need to be like that to be an Overlord(ess).

Nicki, because she has a very interesting list of movie characters she'd like to go on a date with, and I'd love to know how she'd handle taking over the world.

Bet you thought that was it, didn't you?

Of course not. Rules are made to be broken when you're the Overlord(ess). I can do whatever I want, and that includes breaking my own rules. 

Darev. I really don't think I need to explain this one.

Charlie because he likes to scare people. He really enjoys terrifying people. He's got the making of and Overlord.

Asha because....muahahahahaha!

I'm done with that now. I'll notify these people later.

But I ALSO received...

From the lovely Jewels. (Yes, that would be High Overlord(ess) Jewels.)

She didn't give me any rules, though. I love that.

I share this award with (in no particular order):

George (even though he's been hiding)

And Doug.

I was going to give this award to Scott and Bryan, too, but I didn't think they'd like it. So you guys can have it if you want it, but you don't HAVE to take it. My feelings won't be hurt or anything. (Or will they? You never know...)

Also, if you didn't get the Lovely Blog Award from me this time it's because I've already given it to you and didn't want to make you go through the whole thing again. But if you want it again, you can have it. You know who you are. And you know your blog is lovely. 

And P.S.  I found a killer sale on boots and bought two pairs. It is a very good day. :)

PPS. I finally got an About Me page! It's at the top! It's a work in progress.


    1. Man, #2 is brutal. Down in the pen we will be organizing a rebellion and plotting your assassination.

      And yes, thank you for sparing me from the Teacup of Roses Award. I'm awarded out at the moment.

    2. It's only brutal if you break the rules, Bryan.

      You're welcome for the optional award. I was pretty sure you didn't want it.

    3. Checked out your "About Me" page. Your boyfriend has a BMW!? If anyone should have a BMW it's me, Dammit! I AM a BMW. I will have one. Oh yes, I will have one.

      Also, I like how you doubled up Asha with this award. Nice touch. Does she have to write two post, or double the rules, or just be extra, I mean, Over..lord...esssy???

    4. No, he sold the M3 after he bought the motorcycle because the M3 wasn't exciting anymore.

      Of course, now he's sold the bike and he misses the M3 and he sighs with regret every day for selling it. I told him he'd regret it one day. He didn't believe me.

      Yes, I know I doubled her award. I thought maybe she would use the first one to disband the second or something. I'm curious to see how that works out.

    5. Overlordess Candice. Yep. I like it. A lot.

      Thank you, fellow future Overlordess Chanel. I shall strive to impress you with my evil, awesomeness. :)

    6. Kinda rhymes, doesn't it?

      Overlordess Candice.

      I can't wait to read what you have in store for the world!

    7. Pverlordess Jewels---man that is seriously catchy! Love it! hehe. I will be thanking you properly for this on Monday! I'll start the week off with the annoucement of my reign and some new rules. AWESOME! Congrats on both awards and thanks again for mine! :)

    8. Nothing starts out a Monday better than a new Overlordess seizing her power! I look forward to Monday.

      I think EVERYBODY must like this award. It's too fun to hate it.

      You're welcome!

    9. Thank you thank you....I am currently on hiatus from the world but I will collect my prize money later.
      WHAT there is no prize money???
      WTF kind of shenanigans is this??

    10. Oh I'm going to be having a lot of fun as an Overlord(ess). Thank you for the honor!

      PS- I had an "Amen Sista!" moment as I was reading your first change.

    11. Rebecca, the fun kind of shenanigans! Pass it on to blogs you love! That's the idea. To share the joy! You're welcome!

      Ms Jenna, see, I KNEW everybody would love it as much as I do! It's just one of those awards that you see it and you go, "Oh, I could SO rock that!"

      PS. I'm surprised nobody changed it before me! It's archaic the way they're doing it these days.

    12. If you close down Wal-Mart, where am I going to get low-quality clothing and goldfish cracker at a reasonable price?

      I think this "Overlord" business is the best blogging award idea ever. Thank you :)

      And I am not too proud to accept the Lovely Blog award, either. Of course, you knew I wouldn't be.

    13. I can't help but feel like the Overlord you speak of in #2. Firstly, are you torturing or just spacing out your will? Bi-weekly seems a bit harsh, considering most slaves/men/swine have very little problem with this on a daily basis...then again, I might have said too much just then about myself. My point, however, is unless you are forcing a bi-weekly engagement, due to being overwhelmed already by Padawan, then A) Padawan is justly now a Jedi and B)you should bring the pain by having us watch Oprah or Felicity during this process. Only then it becomes punishment.

    14. And thank you for sparing me with the cutesy award. You chose well.

    15. Doug, you'll have to make your own, I guess. I'm sorry, dude, but it's my revenge for the nine months of hell I endured when I worked there at the tender age of eighteen.

      Yes it is. It seems EVERYBODY likes this Overlord business. And who wouldn't? It's AWESOME!

      I knew you would accept. That's why I gave it to you.

      Scott, you ARE the Overlord I speak of. Spacing out my will. If women are too busy being distracted by pleasure they will never be able to concentrate long enough to form reliable subjects. I need my subjects thinking of work during the day, not things that come later. So twice a week. No more, no less.

      It's not torture (unless you break the rules and then you'll see torture). And if I WAS going to torture you I wouldn't do it with Oprah and Felicity. I won't even watch those. Why subject you to shows I would have destroyed once I was firmly enthroned? That would be unnecessary. Plus unforgivable. And it would turn your brains to mush, besides.

      Also, I've also realized that some men do not like giving if they aren't going to get. So I have to make a minimum AND a maximum since men will no longer be getting. Because I outlawed them. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      You're welcome you've been spared the cutesy award. Although if Asha disbands it you wouldn't have to worry about it.

    16. Even though I am eternally grateful for the award, I just don't think I could either agree or comply with #2. A world without blowjobs is just a quick descent into hell. In my corner of the universe, they will be as mandatory as the other activity. The rule will be "If you get, you give." Fortunately for me, I'm a fan of both.

    17. Oh, and we should all go and check out this site:

      Simple rules to remember about being an evil overlord. Safety tips.

    18. You're welcome for the award, even if you don't agree with my laws. And I only put law number two into place because of the unfair law Scoot put up. So you can blame him.

      Giving if you get seems like a pretty fair rule.

      Hey! That's the list I linked to at the beginning of the post! Did nobody click the link????


      Now I must commence with the scheming...and the plotting...and the conniving...and all the other wonderful verbs that go along with being an Overlady. Err, Overlord.

    20. Yay! Everybody likes to be an Overlord(ess)!

      The world will be so much more interesting when everybody puts out their rules!

    21. I don't want to live in a world without fellatio. Oh, I'll accept your cup full o' roses, but don't think that I'm forgetting your little plan to make oral enjoyment a one way street.
      To quote our 42nd president, "If you outlaw fellatio, only outlaws will be fellated". (It helps if you bite your lower lip after you have said it.)

    22. You may give Scott full responsibility for that rule. He provoked me.


      Bill Clinton actually said that? Are you sure?

    23. I may be wrong about that quote, but it does sound like Bill, doesn't it?

    24. It DOES sound like him. I just can't imagine any President (except maybe our most recent former president) saying anything so undignified. Not while in Office.

    25. I think he said this in his second inaugural address.

    26. I was too young to recall. I was in elementary school when he made that speech.

    27. I was...eight?

      Yeah. That feels right. Eight.


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