Tuesday, March 1, 2011

She Kicked Choo Choo

Question: In what country is it acceptable to kick someone's dog?

Answer: In no country is it acceptable to kick someone's dog unless in self defense.

And by self defense I mean if the dog is attacking you.

Let me share a story with you guys.

In the last year, Choo Choo has picked up a rather bad habit. When she sees a person or a dog or both, she barks to get their attention. And she tries to run over and make friends. She will bark and bark and bark and bark until she either gets to meet them, or she can no longer see them. Most people are irritated by this behavior, and so am I, but I can't seem to break her of the habit. I'm going to look into a muzzle or something to use while out walking so I can keep her from making noise. (My mother suggested a shock collar, but I think that is cruel and unnecessary.) 

Well, it just so happens that five days a week I walk Choo Choo at 8:30 in the morning. It's always the same five days a week because my schedule is set in stone. It does not change. And generally Choo Choo and I don't meet anybody else on our walks. There is the occasional jogger that comes by from the hotel across the street, but more often than not, it's just the two of us.

Well in this particular story, which I am still seething over, Choo Choo and I were walking down the stairs at our normal 8:30 a.m. Unlike a normal morning, however, we met someone on the stairs. A small Asian woman dressed to workout, she wasn't a face I was familiar with. Either a friend of a neighbor or someone who lived on the third floor, we didn't know who she was.

And for the first time since Choo Choo learned her bad behavior, she did not rush forward to beg for a petting, and she didn't start barking for attention. Choo Choo just stopped on the stairs and stared at the woman. And the woman stopped on the stairs, too, at the bottom, completely blocking our way down. Since Choo Choo was being so polite, I didn't see any problem in waiting for her to pass us.

But she didn't.

Instead, this woman kind of huddled into herself, pushed her hand at us, and said, "Get dog away! Take beast away!"

This, I thought, was an unwarranted and unnecessary reaction. My dog, who weighs all of five pounds, was not threatening this woman or behaving aggressively towards her in any way. And yet there she stood, waving her hands frantically at us like we were coming at her with an intent to kill, which actually set off Choo Choo's barking. Can you blame her? This woman was acting like a fucking lunatic!

I knew, of course, that we couldn't just stand there all day. If I didn't move Choo Choo down the stairs she was going to pee on them. And while sometimes accidents happen, it's not really very nice to my neighbors to let my dog pee on paths often traveled. Since this woman was clearly not going to move back down the stairs,  I had no choice but to lead Choo Choo down towards her. My logic was easy enough to understand: she would move out of they way and let us by.

The following few seconds leave me with no doubt in my mind that this woman is a fucking idiotic bitch.

She did not move away from the bottom step as we came down. She didn't move to the left (which would have been her right) to let us pass. She didn't turn around and go back down the stairs. She didn't even make a move to keep going up.

She stood right in the same fucking place.

Have a picture to help you see:

Obviously this picture isn't from today, but it's the only picture of the stairs I had and I needed it.

She was just standing in the middle blocking us.

Choo Choo had stopped barking, but her hackles were up and she was growling. I've never seen her raise her hackles at anyone aside from Jerkface. And she loathed Jerkface. 

And as we got two steps away from her, this woman actually had the nerve to stick out her foot, move it in front of me, and kick Choo Choo into the metal rails on my right. You can see them in the picture.

It wasn't a hard kick. You might actually call it a nudge. But my point is she used her foot on my dog, and I consider it a kick anyway.

And I wanted to reach out and rip her thick black hair out and maybe scratch out her eyes. I wish Choo Choo had bitten her, but all she did was growl louder and bare her teeth.

Choo Choo couldn't say anything, but I certainly could.

"Don't kick my dog." I didn't yell it. It was the tone in my voice that said it all. It was clearly a "I'm barely controlling my desire to kill you where you stand" tone, and no language barrier in the world could keep her from understanding my meaning.

"Take beast away!"


Five pound dog=beast...how?

"I'm trying to go downstairs. Can you move, or do I have to kick you out of our way?"

"Take beast away!" 

And the foot swooped out again. But my foot came out faster and blocked her.

"Bitch, move."

I'm not a particularly threatening person. My coworkers have said repeatedly that I am adorable when I am angry. I am short and I am small and I am pale and frail looking. 

But the bitch moved.

I proceeded to walk Choo Choo and reported the incident to the Office. It's not that I have any idea who this woman was or where she lived. All I wanted was to have it on record in case the bitch herself went in and tried to claim that my dog attacked her and I threatened her.

And I did. 

I threatened to kick her in a roundabout way.

The point was she assaulted my dog, and if she goes in to complain her name will be provided to me and a nice little note goes on her apartment record that she has a habit of attacking dogs. Also, she will get an official warning from the Office explaining that her behavior is unacceptable and if it continues she will be asked to leave.

Not that I like to make trouble for people who live around me, but seriously?
She fucking kicked my five pound dog. 

And who could kick a cute little doggy like Choo Choo?

She's too cute to kick.


  1. Oh, there is no doubt about it, I would have gone off...if she had kicked my dog, I would have stomped a mud hole in her Asian ass...I would say "You think she's a beast? Wait till you see what I am when you touch my dog"... that is awful... poor little Choo-Choo...

  2. Sometimes I wish I could be more aggressive with people like that. I'd love to rewind time and go back and stomp all over her.

    Rest assured, if this happens again I will do a lot more than just call her a bitch.

  3. I was terrorized by a chihuahua when I was very small. I can understand her fear. Choo Choo may be five pounds but it's all fangs and venom. She's even coiled and ready to pounce in the picture above. Well maybe she's trying to nap or more likely she's resting after harassing some seniors for smokes out on the sidewalk. Chihuahuas are notorious chain smokers after all.

  4. Are you sure you didn't terrorize the Chihuahua and not the other way around? Children are notorious for teasing small dogs, you know. And she is not coiled and ready to pounce! She was sleeping on Padawan's pillow and I woke her up taking pictures.

    And it's funny you should mention smoking Chihuahuas. When I was in high school we had one we named Nicki. And one day she somehow got into an ashtray and got out a cigarette butt and started chewing on it. And from that moment on she was always trying to find cigarette butts to chew on. She chewed them all the time. It was really funny to see her with a cigarette in her mouth. My friends thought we named her Nicki because she was addicted to nicotine.

  5. I did not terrorize that dog. It barked at and chased anyone who would run from it. Did you put her on the patch or did she smoke until she got emphysema? I can still hear "Precious'" raspy bark as she chased me.

  6. First: that woman needs to be bitch-slapped for even thinking it was okay to lay a hand (or foot in this case) on someone's pet in an aggressive manner when clearly the animal is not doing anything to her.

    Second: I so love you for your "Bitch, move" remark. Highlight reel right there!

    Third: Choo Choo is an adorable little thing! How can anyone not just want to hold her and love her? :)

  7. George, Choo Choo does not chase people. You would like her. She's a sweet puppy as long as you don't try to kick her. And Nicki died suddenly when she was two years old. The Vet didn't know why, but it wasn't emphysema. I think you actually have to light up to get that.

    Hannah, if she EVER tries it again I'm pretty sure I can just have her arrested. I think it's illegal in some way. And if it isn't, it should be.

    I hope she learned a lesson. "Bitch, move," was the polite version of what was running around in my head.

    I know, right? I mean, nobody should ever want to kick any kind of dog, but it's even harder to understand when it's a dog as cute as my Choo Choo!

  8. In all seriousness, I do hate it when people are mean to animals for no reason. I'm not a fan of cats, but I am not mean to them.

  9. Cats are so awesome. And they may or may not be psychic. As long as you're not mean to animals, there's nothing wrong with not liking all of them.

  10. That woman CLEARLY has an irrational fear of dogs. From your description, her phobia is REALLY severe.

    However, I would think that a better reaction would have been to run away, rather than just stand there and keep being scared. And she certainly SHOULD NOT have put her foot anywhere near Choo Choo. NOT cool!

    Here's hoping she gets bitten by a dog one of these days. Stitches and all. Exposure therapy is considered to be the most effective method for helping people to overcome phobias. And if it doesn't help cure the phobia, maybe it will wake her up and cause her to react in a smarter fashion the next time she's confronted by a terrifying "beast" like Choo Choo. Grrrr!

  11. I hope she gets some help, then. A few more encounters like that with people far more aggressive than myself and she's going to find herself bitch slapped by someone if not bitten. Which she totally deserves. Irrational fears don't give you the right to go around kicking things. I have an irrational fear of flamingos (I'm serious and don't judge) but when I see one I don't stand around looking at it. I run the other freaking direction! Same with spiders, crickets, and other creepy crawlies. I scream and run.

    My Autistic cousin is afraid of dogs because he was bitten when he was a little boy. But even HE doesn't get scared of Choo Choo anymore. All it took was her jumping in his lap and licking his face and then curling into a ball and he was totally cool with her. And if an Autistic ten year old can get over it, so can she.

    I think maybe she needs to make friends with a Mastiff. He could swallow her up along with Charles' creepy stalker and the world would be a happier place.

  12. That really is a cute picture of your dog.

    That crazy woman has issues, but at least we are pretty confident in knowing she isn't going to get caught up in a police sting in Arizona.

    Maybe this is a crazy question, but why do you have a picture of your stairway?

  13. I was having a hard time visualizing someone blocking a flight of stairs, and then you provided a helpful diagram. :)

    Anyhow, I've encountered a few people like that, that just freak out at the mere sight of a dog. In her defense though, that Choo Choo does look quite ferocious.

    I have a big dog. She's a sweetheart, but I imagine if that dumb bitch had done that to her, she would have been drawing back a bloody stump.

    P.S. I see you guys still have snow on the ground.

  14. Geez, Doug. I'm pretty sure she took that picture for the post. I don't think she has random pictures of her stairwell lying about. Then again, maybe they're for her soon-to-be-released coffee table book "Stairwells of Texas."

  15. BaHaHaHaHa!!! I need to get myself a Mastiff. There are oh so many people I'd like to have that marvelous creature rid the world of!

    I'm like you. I run AWAY from the stuff that I'm irrationally afraid of. Spiders, rodents, creepy people, germs...Just STAY AWAY!!!

    Anyone can get over any phobia if they give themselves the chance. At the rate she's going, that lady may never get over it. **(Muttering): Standing there like a freaking statue...kicking a little dog...Stupid Lady...**

  16. Doug, Choo Choo thanks you for feeding her vanity.

    You make me laugh. I'm very glad she won't be caught up in that terrible dog rape in Arizona, but kicking dogs is hardly an improvement.

    I have a picture of my stairway from the day we had snow. I was testing to see whether it was better with the flash or without. I tested it on the stairs.

    Bryan, that is precisely why I provided the diagram.

    Yes. I should get a ferocious dog license for her. Just so people know, "Look out. I'm big and tough and I will chew your toes off if you hold still long enough."

    I hope nobody EVER does that to your dog. Or anybody's dog. That's just mean, and dog's don't understand this behavior.

    PS. No snow. It's sixty eight degrees outside and sunny. This picture is a test picture from my snow day.

  17. Bryan, but it IS a random picture of my stairs I had lying around.

    Candice, cleaning up after a Mastiff would be the only down side, I think. I hear they leave horse sized messes. Yucky.

    Running away is the best answer when confronted by something! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

    Standing there was the dumbest thing she could have done. What did she think we were going to do? Jump over the railing and drop down twenty feet? We only had one way to go.

  18. Oh, well don't I feel like an ass then. :)

  19. To be fair, Choo Choo is pretty ferocious looking. I'd be scared motionless, too.

  20. When I was little, there was a kid in my neighborhood that liked to pick up cats by their tails, then swing them in a circle and throw them. One day he picked up a Siamese cat and tried to do that, but when he went to throw it, it turned back and latched its claws into his arm and tore deep scratches as it went flying away. That kid never threw another cat after that.

    Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

  21. Bryan, I think I'll be starting that book and I'll dedicate it to you.

    Doug, well when you're a stickman you really should be afraid of all dogs. They like to chase sticks, remember?

    Bryan again, at first I was horrified.

    Then I was all, "YAY! GO KITTY!"

    And then I was back to being horrified because not all of the kitties got their revenge.

    Karma+rule of 3=freaking awesome

  22. I love dogs-I'm an animal person but I totally understand people's fear of animals-no matter their size. My grandmother was bitten and mauled by a dog and has a fear of dogs (of all sizes) now that is so strong she has panic attacks. I don't blame the woman for not liking your dog (no matter her size).

    I do however take issue with her not attempting to move out of your way! My grandmother would have been back down those steps and out of your way in 2.5 seconds! I also take issue with her kicking the dog. My grandmother will put her knee up (as she should) if my parents larger dogs jumps on her. She knows them and knows they won't hurt her but they still scare the crap out of her.

    Anyway-I see her point and understand her fear-but not her refusal to move and kicking out at Choo Choo.

  23. I told Choo Choo she should have bitten her. It would have served her right. (Yes. I talk to my dog.)

    I'm sorry your grandmother got hurt by a dog. I think dogs are like people: most of them are good, some of them aren't. It's sad she had to meet a bad one. But even then, it's probably the people who raised the dog, poor thing.

    But even if she was afraid, was "beast" really necessary?

  24. I don't yell either. I use that tone too, dark and cold with just the right amount of force. People listen and do what I tell them. Idon't know how to pull it up on purpose. Wish I did. I would use it more.

    Choo Choo is stinking cute. I would have pet her and told her she was the best doggie ever, besides Mahoney, before moving to the side to let you pass.

  25. Some people just need the tone. It turns out she's just moved in and is my new neighbor on my left. I've seen the husband before, but not the wife. So I think I've made an enemy.


    I think all dogs are cute. But I think my dog is cuter than Mahoney. Choo Choo is a blond. Blonds are always cuter in the dog world. Always.

  26. Ooooh Chanel, the title of your post alone had my hackles raised. You have much more patience than me, I would have gone all *******(town where I teach) and trust me it would not have been nice. I'd have had that bitch by the hair and she'd be begging for mercy.

  27. I would have lost it! I always have to remind myself that not all people are dog people. I would have picked my dog up. Unfortunately, I have two fat pugs that would have snorted in her face!

  28. At first, I was thinking maybe she was terified of dogs. Even when you said, she just stood there not moving, I thought maybe she was "paralyzed" with fear. Then, she made a bitch move and kicked. What was that?!?! Who does that?!?! Good for you for standing up to her and not throwing her down the stairs and letting Choo Choo pee on her.

  29. Maybe it was just a reaction, like when you run into a spider web and think how you now have a recluse on your face and then flip out, break things in the garage, trip over other things, kick and scratch at all things around you in a fit of confused and horrified rage only to see it was an old cobweb that had been there since last summer...not that I have done this...I am just saying.

    Does she look like that old hag from the Wizard of Oz who hated Toto?

  30. Ms. Jenna, I wanted to pull her hair. If she ever does it again I don't know if I will be able to control my temper

    Johnny, pugs are cute. And if your pugs snorted in her face maybe she would realize how cute doggies are!

    Asha, I don't think Choo Choo could have peed on her. Female dogs have to squat to do it and if she had squatted over her that woman would have punted her. If I had a male dog, though, I might have. Then again a male dog would have bitten. More aggressive.

    Scott, no she doesn't look like the Wicked Witch of the West. She looks like a normal person. Except for kicking my dog. Are you SURE that never happened to you?

  31. Mahoney is super cute, but I won't argue who has the cuter dog...that doesn't end well...and just say that Choo Choo looks awesome.

  32. My coworker and I compete with each other for the cutest dog of the week. One week he had a picture of his dog dressed as a hot dog standing on a skateboard...he won.

    But we can each think out dog is cuter. That way we both win.

  33. I see from the photo that she was a "Space Woman". I must have missed that part of the story. That explains everything.

    Ho Ho Ho Ho!

  34. "Take Beast Away?" seriously? Ohhhmygod. This woman is batshit crazy. I cannot believe she KICKED YOUR LITTLE DOG. I mean, I've got two eight-pounders. So yeah, I understand if you're afraid of my dogs. I've gotten really good at avoiding people just to avoid the people who get paralyzed with fear and can't move.
    But seriously, CHOO CHOO? A "beast?" No. NO. I loved that you stood your ground. What a crazy bitch. I hope she was just visiting so you never have to see her crazy ass again.

  35. No such luck. Batshit crazy lady is my new neighbor. And she's got a spawn just like her. Or the one is just like her. The other one is cool.

    I can't wait until she meets the man with the pit bull that he never puts on a leash. Generally, that man annoys me because he doesn't leash his dog. However, for this woman, I will make an exception.

    I hope I get to see it.

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