Monday, February 28, 2011

Elizabeth Bennet: Take Two

This is madness!

No. Seriously. It's madness. NOT Sparta, damn it, so stop thinking it. Stop it right now. This is serious. 

What is madness?


ME: Hey sister.

Brat: I'm getting married on the 22nd! 

ME: The 22nd of what?

Brat: March!

ME: Of next year?

Brat: No! Next month!

Great. Balls. Of. Fire.

Didn't I just go through this with Lydia (formerly Wheat)? Or something very similar to it? 

Why yes. Yes I did. And you know what? It's just as stupid for this twin as it was for the other one. Actually, I take that back. It's even more stupid for this twin than it was for the other.  At least Lydia did it because she was madly in love and wanted to be with MoMo forever and always.  I may still think her running off to get married in the middle of Nowhere, Texas was a fucking dumbass mistake for her nineteen year old self to make, but she had a good reason. 

Brat graduated less than a year ago for crying out loud!

This is the four of us at Memaw's right after Brat's graduation ceremony. We're in Papaw's Music Appreciation Room, and those are some of his records behind us.

Of course I couldn't help saying what was on my mind.

Oh, yes. Yes I did have the nerve to ask my sister, "Why the hell are you getting married? I thought you were waiting until after college!"

Brat: Because I'm sick of living with Memaw and Papaw and I want to move out.


ME: Brat, you don't have to be married to move out of your family's house. This isn't the fucking fifties.

Brat: Yes, I do.

ME: No, you don't. I'm not married to Padawan, and we live together.

Brat: Padawan isn't Catholic. Gummy Bear is.

ME: What?

Brat: Gummy Bear is Catholic, Chanel. You know that. It's against his religion to live with a woman he isn't married to. 

ME: Um...isn't it also against his religion to commit Fornication? But you've done that plenty of times.

Brat: We never plan that! We always say it's not going to happen again, and then it does and he has to go confess and say his Hail Marys.

ME: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard! 

Brat: Well, it's true. His parents won't even consider letting him live with me unless we're married, and I can't stand living in this house anymore. So we're getting married at the Court House on the 22nd and I want you to be there.

Good. Fucking. Grief.

Both of my younger sisters are fucking feather headed geese. And it gets better.

Brat: By the way, you have to call Dad and tell him.

ME: WHAT? Why the fuck to I have to tell him? It's your fucking wedding!

Brat: Sherrell and I voted and you lost. He takes it better coming from you.

ME: Over my dead body, Brat. I'm not telling him!

Brat: Please?

ME: No. You do it. I'm not taking the heat for this one. You want to get married and play grown up? You do it your damn self like a big girl.

Brat: Fine. But that's not fair.

ME: Oh yes it is.

As if that wasn't bad enough, following my conversation with Brat, Relly called. 

ME: Yes, sister?

Relly: Did Breezy call you? (That's what she calls Brat.)

ME: Yes. And next time the two of you plot behind my back, make sure you actually have the man power to make me do what you want. I'm not calling Daddy.

Relly: Well, I didn't think you would after the last time. I just didn't want to do it.

ME: That's mature.

Relly: Well, anyway, it's on a Tuesday. Can you get off work?

ME: *sigh* Yeah. We can take our vacation and then go on it after the ceremony or whatever.

Relly: Good. You still coming out tonight?

ME: Hell yeah. I need a drink after all of this....

Relly: Makes you feel old, doesn't it?

ME: No, it's makes me think my little sisters is fucking stupid. I know I'm too young to get married. I definitely know she is.

And she is too young in more ways than one. Starting with the fact that she's been with Gummy Bear since she was fifteen years old and has NEVER had any other relationship in her whole life. She knows absolutely nothing about relationships! She has explored! She's a freaking baby!

Thinking all of that, there was no way I was going to miss an opportunity to get out and relax a little.

And that's exactly what I did. Padawan decided at the last minute he was too tired to join us, so I went to Fowler's with T-Man and Relly to watch the fight between Fitch and Bing. Apparently this was a big fight because the winner would get to go on to fight something Pierre for the Title. (For the record, it was a Draw, and that was just bullshit.)

I had a Strawberry Margarita and a Jolly-rancher shot. I have no idea what the hell is in a Jolly-rancher shot but between that and the sixteen ounce margarita I was pretty freaking tipsy by the time Fitch and Bing came out to fight. Alright, I was drunk. 

The waitress looked at me like I was nuts when she asked if I wanted salt or no salt and I said, "Sugar." Apparently it's just weird to want sugar on the rim of a Strawberry Margarita. Go figure.

And by the time Brat and Gummy Bear arrived I was giggling and in a good place because I'm a surprisingly cheerful, talkative person when I'm drunk. Which is just like me in my sober state. Which is good. I'd hate to be an angry drinker. 

I remember at some point Brat decided to see how much smaller my hands were compared to hers, and then Relly tried hers against mine, and somehow Brat became fascinated with my wrists and started shaking my hand around saying, "Oh my god! They're so tiny I could break them!" 

"Your's are small, too!" I snatched my hand away and grabbed her hand.

"Actually, she's got thicker bones than you, Chanel," T-Man backed her up. "You're built smaller."

I sniffed. "It's not my fault I got the genetic short stick. I'm the shortest, I'm the flattest chested, and I've got the thinest, finest hair."

"Nothing wrong with being small."

And then when we all got up to leave Brat and Gummy Bear were hugging me goodbye and Gummy Bear said, "Oh my freaking god. Hugging you is like hugging a Barbie Doll. You're so tiny it's like you'll break in half!"

Well, that was nice to hear. 

I was feeling good by the time we left. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or the compliment. T-Man and Relly dropped me off at my place. I was sitting in the backseat. When I tried to open the door to let myself out it wouldn't open. I tried five times before I said, "Hey! The door won't let me out!"

And Relly was like, "Oh, we forgot about the child lock." Because T-Man has a two year old and a four year old, remember? 


T-Man rolled down the window. In my inebriated state, I didn't immediately understand what he wanted me to do. So I stuck my head out the window, looked down, and said, "I don't think I can climb out that way. I'll fall."

And then they burst into hysterical laughter.

"Stick your arm out and open the door, silly," Relly giggled at me.

Oh. Duh.

"Well that makes more sense." Then I tried to get out. My foot, clad in my ever sensible Docs because I went out dressed for comfort, were stuck under T-Man's seat. "My foot is stuck!"

A minute or so of wrestling with my large, stubborn shoe and I finally tugged it free. Relly and T-Man were laughing so hard it's a miracle they didn't die laughing.

"I love you both. Goodnight."

I stumbled in the door at midnight, took Choo Choo for a walk in my sorry state, and fell into bed in my t-shirt and underwear because I fell over trying to get my jeans off and didn't feel like getting back up. I might have babbled a few minutes to the sleeping form that was Padawan, too. But I was drunk so I don't think I cared too much if he could hear me.


  1. They serve sugar on margaritas up here all of the time. Weren't you worried about your stalker out there at midnight?

  2. Not that she would listen to a complete stranger, but she should really reconsider such a drastic move to avoid nagging authority. Most couples who marry for any other reason than to commit to a family affair, generally turn out to be miserable 30 something's who write incredibly witty blog's and wait too long to have their first child.

  3. The worst reason in the world to get married is because you are trying to get away from something. All of my friends that have married to get out of their parents' house are now divorced. Most didn't even make it through the first year.

  4. George, I thought everybody preferred sugar on Strawberry Margaritas. It seems logical. Salt would taste funny. As to my stalker, it's not like he can just walk into the apartment complex. You have to have an electronic opener to get through any of the gates at any hour, and they are too high to climb and too narrow to slip through. It's a very safe community.

    Scott, I told her that. Well, not that EXACTLY. But I told her something very similar and she's convinced she's going to be an exception. I will pass along your advice just the same. Maybe she will listen to a complete stranger more than her own sisters.

  5. Hold on, I have a question. Does she call him "Gummy Bear" or do you supplement the real names with nicknames to protect your subject's anonymity? My entire evaluation of the case may depend on the answer.

    Quick follow-up: Does this mean that The-Lydia-Formerly-Known-As-Wheat is no longer under this code of protection OR is it more like "Screw you and your cute nickname. You pissed me off!"?

  6. Asha, do you mind if I share that information? I've only got twenty three days to talk her out of this.

    Bryan, I call him Gummy Bear. She calls him by his real name. That's actually what I call him in real life, but it's not his real name so I have no problem using it on the internet. Lydia (formerly Wheat) no longer has the benefit of a cute nickname because she is irritating like the character Lydia Bennet in Pride and Prejudice. It's not her real name, but the feelings associated with the name show my irritation. I use no real names except my own because it's not ethical to do so.

  7. Hey, that post was from the day I started following him! I like his stuff.

    Yeah, like that. Nicknames that representative of the personalities. Or in cases like T-Man...I just don't mention him often enough to give him a real name.

  8. Okay, this is going to be along, rambly comment, but I've gotta tell you. I got married young. A LOT younger than I ever planned. But one thing I've learned is that life NEVER turns out the way you think it will. Stuff happens. Sometimes you just meet "The One".

    However, I believe that I got married for the right reasons. I love him, he's loves me. He's my best friend and makes me happy and I hope I do the same for him. (He claims I do, but he could just be saying that because of the love potion I've been slipping into his drinks ever since I met him...Oops! I shouldn't have said that! Don't tell him!)

    Tyler and I went into marriage with no "rose-colored glasses". We understood the commitment that we were taking on and willingly and readily accepted it. It's not a decision to be made lightly.

    Now, ten years and two kids later, I still don't have any regrets. I actually feel like we've only been married for two years instead of ten. Geez! Time goes by fast!

    Either way, getting married young is not what you need to worry about. It's getting married for the wrong reasons (like running away from something), and with the frame of mind: "Once we're married, everything will be perfect!" BULL HONKEY! Marriage can be hard, and it's ALWAYS better to understand that up front than to get slapped in the face with it later!

    No matter what age you are when you get married, it had better be for the right reasons and with a square head on your shoulders. If not, divorce is pretty much inevitable.

    Okay, I think I'm done now. Forgive me. Hopefully I won't ramble like this again any time soon.

  9. Candice, I realize that some people marry young and it works for them. But I believe maturity has a lot to do with it. And she's NOT mature enough. And if he's "the One" then he will ALWAYS be the one and waiting a few years while they both grow and mature won't kill them.

    I don't mind the long comment. It's good to feel strongly!

    By the way, I thought you put the love potion in the brownies?

  10. Oh, I do, but I can only do the brownies every so often, or he'd catch on to my plot!

    I agree that maturity has pretty much EVERYTHING to do with how ready people are. That was actually the point I was trying to make, but I don't think I ever go to it...I just read over my comment again, and no. No I didn't.

    Either way, hopefully there won't be too much drama resulting from this decision on your sister's part, but from the looks of the situation, I'm kinda worried. But who knows? I've been wrong before!

  11. Or he'd think you just loved him and wanted him to have those lovely brownies to make him happy in the tummy...Men are so easily fooled.

    I WISH she might be happy.

    I doubt it very much though.

  12. Gummy Bear's parents won't let him live unmarried with a woman.

    Won't let him.

    Yes, he is mature and self-sufficient enough to be married.

  13. Sarcasm is a beautiful art, isn't it?

  14. I call him Gummy Bear because he is obsessed with them. He's always packing a bag. He doesn't eat Gummy Worms, though I get that he's kind of like a worm...can't stand up to Mommy and Daddy. But he proposed to her, so I guess that means he knew he'd have to marry her one day anyway. Not that I'm condoning this. I'm totally not.

  15. Waaaaaayyy too young. But younger sisters rarely make what we consider "good" decisions.

    Also, my favorite Mexican restaurant always puts sugar on their strawberry margaritas. It's the only way to be.

  16. wow-just wow. I would kick my sisters ass if she tried shit like that. They may not make the smartest decisions but no marriages have taken place prior to this coming Sept (and Nicole is 28). As for sugar of the margarita-on fruit rita''s a must. Duh, waitress! Too funny that you were drunk after a margarita and a you saw on my outtings--it takes much more than that for me.

  17. Ms Jenna, I never made any stupid decisions like this, and I'm a younger sister. You'd think my parents getting married at 18 and separating ten years later and then divorcing would be a good example as to why it's a bad idea. Nooooope.

    I thought it made sense to want sugar with a fruity drink. You don't eat salt on strawberries! She didn't offer sugar though.

    Jewels, if my sisters weren't all bigger than me, I'd totally kick their asses! Congrats to your sister, by the way.'s very amusing to everyone that I'm German Irish and I can't handle my drinks for crap. But it's okay. Since I can't handle my liquor I generally stay out of the bar. It's very rare to see me drink, and even rarer to get me drunk.

  18. Wow. I have so many thoughts running through my head, I'm not sure where to start.

    Um, okay, just diving in. I've never heard of sugar on a strawberry margarita, but I prefer the lime with salt, so that's okay.

    I HAVE to try a Jolly Rancher shot. It just sounds too good to pass up.

    I think your sister is crazy if that's the only reason she wants to get married. Please make sure she has very good birth control until she's sure it's going to all work out. (I wrote a post a while back about having kids too young. It might be good for her to read it.)

    Finally, why did you keep calling one fighter Bing? It took me a minute to figure out you were talking about the Fitch v. Penn UFC fight. (Which I missed...grr.)

    Oh yeah, your story of you in the backseat had me laughing my ass off! Hilarious!

  19. Hannah, I like salt on a regular margarita.

    Jolly Rancher shots taste like Jolly Rancher...and I drank it with a straw because I'm not good with shots.

    I asked her if she was going to stick with the pill or go back to the shot and she said that it's against Gummy Bear's religion to use birth control. Again, I'm not particularly familiar with Catholicism, but that sounds stupid. I told her she needs to make sure he pulls out then because she doesn't need babies for many years and that's more effective than NO birth control.

    I called him Bing because I couldn't remember his name but I thought it was something close to Bing. I was rooting for Fitch the whole time because I liked his shorts better. Forgive me, I was drinking and some of it is less clear than other parts. I'm glad you finally got it, though. You missed a good fight, even if it was a draw.

    Yeah. My sister called to laugh at me Sunday. Just had to rub it in a little.

  20. AHHHHHHH WHERE TO START! I need a list.

    1.) Your nicknames for everyone are adorable.
    2.) I'm really sorry your sisters keep doing this to you.
    3.) Don't get married, don't get married, don't get married, Sister.
    4.) This whole birth control sitch is very worrisome to your internet audience, but I understand that (technically) she's an adult...but God, Chanel, you have so much SHIT to deal with! I don't know how you do it. I'd cry in a fetal position 24/7 if I were you.
    5.) You have a really good comment discussion on your blog.
    6.) I really like the mental image I have of you walking Choo Choo while intoxicated.

    In short, strawberry margaritas are delicious. That is all.

  21. I used to be Catholic and they stopped their whole "don't allow birth control" philosophy like 40 years ago! Tell her the church is fine with birth control. I'm hoping for the best for your family.

  22. Nicki,

    1) Thank you.
    2) I guess you're talking about making me tell Daddy. And I still have my foot down on it.
    3) I'll pass that on.
    4) It's the "technically" part that's important. She is a baby still. She can't even brush her own hair. How can she handle a husband?
    5)Yay! Hear that guys? You guys have good conversational commenting skills!
    6) It's probably a very accurate image. :)

    Yes. Yes, they are.

    Hannah, I did tell her that was like a million years ago and nobody does that anymore. She said his parents are from Spain and that's what they believe. Why his parents have a role in what does or does not go on in their bedroom, I have no idea. I just don't want her stuck with five kids and a husband who does whatever he wants while she stays home barefoot in the kitchen like a slave...It's my worst nightmare for my smart, beautiful sister. (Smart in the book way, not in the common sense way, obviously.)


My Shelfari Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog