Saturday, February 12, 2011

Strep throat, prank calls, and decapitation.

Yesterday at work, Dizzy and I had the following conversation:

Chanel: Dizzy, do you have a flashlight?

Dizzy: Yeah. Why?

Chanel: I think I have strep throat. I want to check.

Dizzy: Ooooh! Can I look and see?

He comes back around the counter with a magnifying headset on his head, a flashlight in his hand. He's obviously  ready to play the part of doctor. If he had a cotton swab to stick down my throat, it would have been even funnier.

Chanel: What? No! Just give me the flashlight! I can do it myself!

Dizzy: Which one of us is engaged to a third year med student about to start her residency because she's so damn smart? I am more qualified to diagnose strep throat than you are.

Chanel: No, you aren't! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Give me the flashlight.

Dizzy: No, let me do it.

Chanel: I'm perfectly capable of looking down my own throat, thanks.

Dizzy: Why don't you want me to see your mouth?

Chanel: Because I don't want you to take home memories of me holding my mouth open and waiting for you tonight.

Dizzy: Too late. I've already fantasized that.

Chanel: Ew! Does anybody have a flashlight that doesn't come with Dizzy attached to it?

B-money tossed me a flashlight, I went and checked. Turns out it's not strep throat. There's just a bunch of brown stuff at the back of my throat. It's not painful exactly, but it's hard to swallow. It feels like there's something stuck back there.  It feels like it's the size of a damn golf ball. But it doesn't hurt, and I don't have a fever.

And speaking of golf balls, I'm going to tell you about the most interesting call I ever answered at the store.

Chanel: Thank you for calling *business*. How may I direct your call?


Chanel: Excuse me?


Chanel: Um...Chanel?


Chanel: *haven't caught on yet* After a moment of shocked silence No, I don't, and that's none of your damn business, you--


Chanel: Goodbye, creep. *hangs up*

I sat there at my desk seething for a few seconds, thinking a lot of horrible, dirty names to call the man that had been screaming inappropriate things at me on the phone. Then the phone rang again.

Chanel: Thank you for calling *business*. How may I direct your call?

Padawan: Chanel?

Chanel: Padawan? Why are you calling me on the work line?

Padawan: Do you suck dicks?

Chanel: *it all clicks in my head* That was you? 

Padawan: Yeah, I found a sound byte board with the best lines from Full Metal Jacket. That didn't work very well. You didn't play along.

Chanel: I thought it was some asshole! I didn't even connect it to the movie! Now I feel stupid....

Needless to say, I was less indignant after discovering that my fun loving boyfriend had been bored, thought of me, and called in a prank that, had it been another day, I would have understood immediately. And since I know that some of you would love to have the link to the soundboard for you own prank calling purposes...You're welcome.

All funny stories aside, though, Choo Choo is very pleased with herself. She'll be three years old in May, and a couple of days ago she finally managed to rip the head off of a toy. And within seconds of ripping the head off, she succeeded in ripping out the squeaker as well. She's been strutting around pompously for the last two days.

What was that?

Of course I have pictures! You didn't have to ask.

The decapitation.

She's trying to get the squeaker out now. 

And there's the squeaker. She's getting a scratch behind the ears for a job well done.

My Uncle C told me a couple of months ago that it's a huge deal to a dog when she destroys and desqueaks her first toy. So I'm going over to Target on my lunch break to buy Choo Choo a celebration gift. Padawan called me yesterday and told me she keeps leaving the toy's head in the middle of the floor no matter which room he goes into. He thinks it's a threat.

I think he's seen the Godfather too many times and it's addled his brain.

Now comes the real problem. By my own orders, Padawan and I do not go out of Valentine's Day. I think it's a horrible day and it's bad luck. (I'm serious. Something bad always happens on Valentine's Day.) We stay in together and exchange little gifts.

I was going to make Padawan giant gummy bears because he's obsessed with them, and when I found this gummy bear project online, I just knew it was perfect. Unfortunately, there wasn't time to order the empty bear molds, and it's  not very cost effective to buy a bunch of honey bears just to throw out the honey. So I need a Plan B. Suggestions? 


  1. Wow. What a fierce, threatening beast Choo Choo has become. They grow up so fast, don't they? :)

    The Husband and I don't really make a big deal out of Valentines' Day, either. We think it's kind of asinine. I usually just make his favorite dinner (Lasagna) and we'll stay home and watch a movie after the kids go to bed. Nothing fancy, but it works. This year, we'll probably do something REALLY romantic, like homework. I know. You're jealous, right?

    So far as the giant gummy bears, I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for you. However, I do have a FABULOUS brownie recipe I could e-mail to you if you like, but ONLY because I know that you would never abuse the power that they can give you. If Padawan is a chocolate fan, learning how to make these brownies will easily ensure that he'll be yours for life. Yes. Yes. They are THAT GOOD!!! They have literally changed lives. Just let me know.

  2. My dog destroys toys so fast it is annoying. He also tries to eat the fluff inside and chews the squeaker to bits. I have learned from experience that cotton fluff is not fun to deal with on the way out...

    I'd recommend you just do a couple of the bears. That way you are not wasting a huge amount of honey. You can buy empty squeeze bottles and dump the honey in them to be used later. Did you know honey never goes bad? Who would have thought bee vomit would never expire? Crazy huh?

    You can watch Cloudy With a Chance for Meatballs and when the giant gummie bears come on, pause it, and run grab the giant gummie bears. That would be an amazing I am jealous and wish my wife would do this for me. We also don't like Valentines. I think this is due to us being single for a very very long time before we got married.
    Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

  3. Candice: She looks so threatening, doesn't she? It's a little silly that I'm so proud of her...but she's my furry child and it's my right.

    How did you know Padawan loves fresh homemade brownies? I would just love it if you could e-mail me the recipe. I swear I will not secretly feed them to all of my male coworkers so that they will do my bidding for the rest of eternity...

    You could do your homework and then watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off while eating lasagna and your yummy brownies!

    Charlie: I think those unstuffed toys are probably a really good idea for dogs who like to eat the fluff. I guess it looks like cotton candy to dogs. that idea! Now I think I'll make brownies (if Candice still wants to share the recipe) AND the gummy bears. I can just see the look on his face now...

    You could/should anonymously send your wife a link to the gummy bear project.

  4. hahaha. I love the prank phone call and your snappy comeback for "Because I don't want you taking home memries of me with my mouth open waiting for you tonight." I laughed out loud.

    Choo Choo must be very proud of herself. My parent's dogs tear those things apart in 2.5 seconds but they are giant beasts. For her I'm sure it is quite the accomplishment!

    I would love to suggest something for Padawan but I'm stuck on how awesome the thought of a giant gummy bear is!!!!!

  5. He bested my snappy reply. Darn him.

    It's the greatest accomplishment of her life, except for when she finally figured out to make it squeak in the first place. It must be so nice to be a dog...

  6. I love this prank phone call too. It's been a long time since I've watched Full Metal Jacket. Maybe Candice would be kind enough to share that brownie recipe with all of us.
    Charlie's suggestion sounds pretty good or just tupperware would work.

  7. This whole thing had me cracking up!

    My dog will shred stuffed toys in no time flat. He's obsessed and goes all crazy on them. He loves to get the squeeker out too. Can't say he's ever decapitated one though. Well done. (Oh and the thinking it's a threat was priceless!)

    I'll have to share my call that I thought was a prank some day. I don't know if it'll be as funny as yours but to this day, I shake my head at myself. I'll start working on it.

  8. George: I've only seen it twice myself. It's really heavy and violent. It's not something you want to watch on just any ordinary day. I don't actually have any Tupperware...I should probably invest in some.

    Hannah: I think now that she's done it once, she will probably become like your dog and just destroy them when she gets them. The man who invented the squeaky toy is probably gloating right now...

    Always share prank calls! Always! And if you happen to make any, tell about those, too. Prank calls never cease to amuse me.

  9. Beuller?...Ferris Beuller?...

    Would you believe that I had never actually seen that movie until about a year ago? I know! Tyler nearly divorced me when he found out! (Okay, so not really, but it was a close call)...

    Anyhoo, I'll try to get you that recipe if not tonight then definitely by tomorrow. You won't be sorry. :)

  10. How on earth did you go your whole life without seeing that movie?

    Okay, so I didn't see it until I was seventeen. But I've seen it like a million times in the five years since then to make up for it. Don't you just love the parade scene? It's my favorite part.

    Thaaaaank you. Padawan will be mind for eternity! I should probably warn him about that before he eats's only fair, I guess.

  11. The parade scene is indeed quite fabulous. I have no idea why it took me so long to finally see that movie, but I've been properly indoctrinated now. I think my list of classic 80's movies that I'd never seen before meeting my husband is pretty impressive (or shameful, depending on how you look at it...)

    Anyway, I just sent you that recipe. Let me know if there are any problems with the attachment, and I'll gladly resend it. Enjoy, and let me know if you have any questions! :)

  12. 1) Gargle with saltwater and use a Q-tip to swab out your tonsils. You'll feel better.

    2) I never get prank calls when they actually happen, I just get annoyed and pissed. It usually dawns on me about 10 minutes later that maybe the phone call wasn't "for real."

    3) Puppies have the best life ever. My puppy's favorite toy has 2 squeakers, which is pretty much the best ever for a dog.

    4) I don't do Valentine's day with significant others because I'm chronically single. The most that happens in my corner of the world is handing out the valentines from those $2 kits at Wal-Mart. Hopeless romantic, right here.

  13. Candice: I haven't gotten it! Stupid g-mail! Try sending it to my alternate at
    Don't judge the name. I got it when I was thirteen.

    Ms. Jenna: I did actually gargle with the salt water. Padawan made me. But I did NOT use the q-tip because I'm stubborn and don't like it. My throat does feel better now.

    When teenagers prank call I get annoyed. It's probably better if it's someone you know.

    Choo Choo has a stuffed doll thing now with one big squeaker. She's been carrying around for the last couple of days.

    Nothing wrong with be a hopeless romantic. It's way better than being a hopeless cynic, and you can enjoy flower way more than other people. Flowers are good.

  14. I just sent it to the other address. Let me know if it worked! :)


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