Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What fell over? Nothing important. Just the grenade.

Last night I turned out the lights to go to bed, realized I forgot to take out my contacts, and decided to navigate the darkness to the bathroom without a flashlight. Unfortunately I over estimated the curve to the bathroom and walked straight into Padawan's desk, which is to the left of the bathroom door.

There was a loud CLANK! The kind of clank that is made when something metal strikes something glass, and then CLUNK! The clunk was the sound of metal striking wood. I'd knocked something over.

Padawan turned over and sat up. "What the hell fell over?"

I flicked on the bathroom light and looked on the desk, fearing the worst. (Padawan's brand new laptop was recently destroyed when Little Brother knocked over a full glass of water on his desk and straight into the  motherboard. His concern was understandable, and so was mine since we just got him a new $1000 computer and $300 monitor.) Instant relief. "Oh, nothing important. It was just the grenade."

"Oh." And he rolled over to go back to sleep.

I thought about what we'd just said, and I started laughing. Really, really laughing. The kind of laughter that sounds almost maniacal and should be used in a movie when the super villain succeeds at her diabolical plan. 

"What's so funny?"

"If anyone else had heard that, they would be so confused. Possibly freaked out. I just told you I knocked over a grenade and you went right back to bed like it didn't matter!"

Padawan started laughing, too, because it is a pretty unusual conversation.

What did I mean by grenade?

Why, I meant it in the literal sense, of course. All the more reason to laugh. Before you guys freak out and think I'm utterly insane, let me explain the story. Obviously there are no explosives or detonators inside of this grenade. It is just the empty metal shell with the pin. Padawan's best friend is in the army and he gave me this shell to use as a bookend or paperweight when he came to visit a couple of years ago. It is very heavy despite being empty. It's not going to explode or anything. (Just in case, though, we've never removed the pin.) You never can be too careful, after all.

In other news, I've decided I'm going to make my own award. 

I think I'm going to call it the "You Made Me Laugh So Hard I Snorted Award!"

Or something else. It's a work in progress.

I don't think I'm going to give it any rules, though. Rules are boring. Or maybe I will make some really fun rules. Like, "When you receive this award you have to put on a silly hat, do your favorite dance move, and record it in a fifteen second video that must then be posted on your blog upon receiving the award."

Then again, what if someone gave the award back to me for revenge and I had to follow that rule?

On second thought...no. That's a bad idea for a rule. Anyway, I don't actually know how to upload videos, and I don't really think I want to learn. Of course, then I could put up that video of Choo Choo on pain medication when I'm pretty sure she thought her tail was following her. And that video of Little Brother playing Scary Maze. Then again...I did promise Little Brother that I would never show anyone outside of Padawan and myself that video.

Is it immoral to break a promise to a nine year old?


Alright, fine. I won't do it. But you're missing out on some really funny video footage, just so you know. He was terrified, and the look on his face was priceless. He was easily ten times funnier than the kids on the video  currently floating around YouTube.

You're welcome.

Now that I've laughed a good deal today, I think I'll actually get some work done. There's a pile of numbers waiting to be called. I could probably tackle it in ten or fifteen minutes tops.

Who am I kidding? I'm going to finish that drawing I was working on yesterday and fax it to our friends at our South Store. What? You didn't know I could use a fax machine? Pshaw. I'm a receptionist. That's the more professional, less sexist way of saying secretary. Of course I can use a fax machine. 

Don't worry. I'll make those calls eventually. I just don't like calling people before noon. I think it's rude, mostly because I think it's rude when someone calls me before noon. Even when I'm already awake, it's just rude. I could have been sleeping.

See that? Well, no you actually can't. But right as I said that my phone started ringing. Some telemarketer calling me at 11:30 in the morning when I could be sleeping! It's actually even more rude since I'm working, but does that stop them? No. 

Telemarketers are selfish bastards. Sometimes I like to answer the phone and pretend I'm a little girl. They always buy it, poor souls. Remind me to tell you some of my greater telemarketer pranking moments some time. I think you'll get a kick out of them.

Great. I've just been informed that I'm being pulled to the counter. So I'm cutting off this rambling bit of nonsense for now. Wish me luck. I'm not even wearing shoes today. (Yes, I took my boots off when I got to work so I could sit at my desk in my stocking feet. Don't you wish you could do it even just a little bit?)


  1. Is there a Samurai sword on the wall above the desk? I bet you guys are hiding weapons of mass destruction in the drawers as well.
    By the way, I loved the slo-mo clips on the video. Good for you for not humiliating your son...or did you?

  2. My niece has a video of me dancing (I'd been drinking...a lot) that if it were released, the free world would come to an end. Okay, maybe not, but I'd have to give her a taste of her own medicine.

  3. Asha, there is no Samurai sword above the desk. I have a Gladiator's Dagger in the closet though. We keep that out of the way because we don't want Little Brother to get hurt. And not that I don't love him to bits, but he's not my son. I don't have children, and I definitely don't want them. Taking care of Padawan's Little Brother twice a week is enough child interaction for the two of us, thank you. And no, I didn't. His video is safely confined to the electronic workings of my iPod.

    Hannah, that's precisely why I don't drink much on the rare occasions that I do drink. Too many opportunities for embarrassment these days with cell phones and iPods with cameras and digital cameras with video and straight up video recorders. But it seems that it's probably not a good idea to show the world Little Brother's terror. It's okay. I can watch it privately any time I want to.

  4. Ya gotta love those random conversations that no one but you and the person you're talking to would ever understand. It's oh so fabulous!

    PS: How did the brownies turn out?

  5. "Scary Maze" I've fallen for a couple of those things. I think we all have.

    I nominate "Grenade Conversation" as the new term for any conversation that would sound like absolute insanity to any stranger who could just happen to walk into the room at that moment, but is actually quite mundane to the people having the conversation. The best part is that "Grenade Conversation" would sound kind of nutty to anyone who hasn't read this post.

  6. Candice, your brownies were AWESOME. Padawan kept trying to snag some batter before I cooked it, but I made him wait like a good boy. It didn't say how many chocolate chips to add so I did like half a bag or something...lots of chocolatey goodness. Padawan loved them, and so did I. He kept trying to eat mine. I did have a hard time with it since SOMEBODY (who lives with me and is human and male) broke my mixer last week and then told me he fixed when he DIDN'T actually fix it...So I had to do it all by hand, but it was fine. Really yummy. Thank you SO much for the recipe. I was going to add something about it in the entry but then they made me go do real work so I couldn't.

    Bryan, I didn't fall Scary Maze itself by a stroke of luck in which I felt an itch on my foot and looked at it to see if something with eight legs was crawling on it, so I wasn't looking at the screen when my mouse connected with the wall and the face popped up. But I've fallen for similar ones.

    I second that nomination on the grounds that I just like it. So mote it be.

  7. It is so wrong how hard I laughed at those kids. That one poor girl was like 3...that's just wrong! hahaha.

    As for random conversations that nobody else would get...I love stuff like that. "Oh nothing important...just the grenade" haha. Great. I would have laughed my butt off too! :-)

    Thanks for all the laughs today.

  8. We're always laughing at the things kids do...this is just the next step: laughing at things kids do when we do things to kids. I watched it like three times before I had to stop.

    You're welcome for the laughs. I hope I gave everyone a laugh.

  9. "Grenade Conversation."

    I once knew this kid who went to one of those army surplus places I guess they have on bases, and he purchased a grenade, similar to your own, they were told was dead. He and a friend were riding their bikes down at the playground when the granade he had in his pocket fell out and hit the ground, which then exploded.

    Shrapnel tore into his leg and spray his friend, both survived, but each probably learned a fantastic lesson in grenande handling, be it dead or live. At the time, I was dabbling in things of an illegal sort so the whole event was hilarious to me...still is really.

    The crazier thing is years later the kid who survived his own stupidity, ended up doing something real stupid he could not avoid and, my guess, ended up in prison. I guess some people will never learn the meaning of second chances.

    Anyhow, I suggest going someplace safe, pulling the pin and hurling it just to be sure it is dead. Although, I think the dead ones have a hole in the bottom where the explosive goes, which is a good sign nothing painful will come to you and those among you.

  10. Ok. Honestly, I saw on your "about me" that you were 22 and was surprised you had a nine year old. Now I can stop doing the math in my head trying to figure that one out.
    And yes, I also fully support the phrase "grenade conversation".

  11. Those grenades are heavy, it would really hurt on bare feet. I am definitely going to add 'grenade conversation' to my vocabulary.

  12. Now, that is an award I would cherish forever! And I would follow any silly rule attached.

    The little girl who starts crying and says "Turn it off, turn it off" while the dog tries to comfort her was the best. Thank you for the laughs. You would get that award sent back to you.

  13. You are hilarious.

    I love the way this blog is so whimsical! Good job! I love the tree at the top...makes me want to go to that garden somewhere far far away!


  14. Scott, that poor kid. Doesn't he know you never trust a salesman? Mine DOES have a hole in the bottom, but I'm still not taking the pin out. Just in case.

    Asha, the math on that would have me giving birth at thirteen, and pregnant at the tender age of twelve. That would have been really twisted, especially considering I didn't even hit puberty until I was almost fifteen. Plus, I'm pretty sure to get knocked up at twelve there is something very wrong in your life.

    George, I HAVE dropped it on my bare foot once. I didn't realize you could have bruises on your feet before that. It was purple.

    Charlie, I could come up with some pretty silly rules. Be careful what you wish for.

    My favorite was the one where the boy fell out of his chair and it fell over on him. I had to actually pause the video to get some kleenex because I was crying.

    Lisa, thank you! I love the tree, too. I used to have a blue tree and a blue theme, but then I found the orange tree and thought that the bench looked very inviting. So it came to live here and I still love it.

  15. Okay, a.) I love the new font and b.) I LOVE THAT YOU HAVE A RANDOM GRENADE.

  16. There is already a video on youtube of me dancing like an idiot. And no, I won't tell you the name.

  17. Oh, and I second Nicki with the new font comment. This one is easier on the eyes.

  18. Nicki, yes, I love this one way better than the girlier font. My coworkers just think it's weird that I have one. At least someone appreciates my oddness.

    Doug, I googled your name to see if I could find anything. I did find a Doug Stephans on YouTube dancing with some people in Oregon. But I don't think that's you. You are absolutely mean to not include the link or the name. *blows raspberry*

    And I bet you like the new font because it's less girly, and your comments look less girly now. Don't get too attached, though. I tend to change my blog around a lot.

  19. Not me in Oregon. And no hints for you. Ha.

    Oh, bee the double you, how am I supposed to include you in the Cool Kids Time Travel Club if you won't write a post about time travel?

  20. I didn't think so. Didn't look like the picture of you. Alas, I will have to keep looking.

    I'm honored that you would like to include me in your awesome Cool Kids Time Travel Club. (At least I think you're talking to me.) But I don't know anything about time travel. I haven't even seen all of the Back to the Future movies. Just the second and third ones. I think that would probably be a slap in the face to the other Cool Kids Time Travel Club Members.

  21. Fine. I will write it for you.

    '"What I Would Do If I Had A Time Machine" By Chanel.

    'I think back to all those moments I couldn't be with my Padawan because I was at work, or school, or sleeping till noon, or whatever, and I've decided that if I had a time machine I would go back and spend more time with him.

    'So now-Me will get to be relaxing and making more inside jokes with Padawan, and past-Me is stuck working at the () Music Store.

    'Sucks to be her.'

    The End

  22. Doug, that didn't even sound like me! I would have sounded so more Chanel-ish.

    Scott, yeah you have to go to Doug's blog to read about it since I've never seen it mentioned anywhere else.

  23. That's because I made up the club all by myself. Nobody invites me to their clubs, so I had to start my own.

  24. It's a very nice club. I might try to join...maybe.


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