Saturday, February 26, 2011

I'm an Evil Genius

On Wednesday Padawan told me he wanted to trade desk locations. Mine is by the bedroom door, his is across from mine by the bathroom door. The thing he's been using to connect his computer to the wireless internet has been causing severe problems with his brand new computer, so he decided he would just run an Ethernet cord from the router/modem (according to Padawan it is BOTH) rather than worry about buying a new wireless adapter thingy mabobber.

Frankly, I hate moving furniture around unnecessarily. And I was pretty sure that Padawan's desk, which got broken during the move, wouldn't survive being shifted from one side of the room to the other. In the two minutes it took me to answer, I decided I would just give Padawan my desk and I would buy a new one. 


Well, I've had my desk since college. It is black wood and silver steel, and I have always hated it. My desk is much bigger than Padawan's, and has more storage space. It is masculine, and would be perfect. I told him, "You can have my desk, we'll throw yours out, and I'll buy a new one."

I think Padawan always secretly wanted my desk. He agreed immediately.

And then I went on a desk searching tour of the Interwebz.

I knew immediately, of course, what kind of desk I wanted. L shaped, with a hideaway keyboard, and with tempered glass instead of wood. Feminine, elegant, tasteful. And most importantly: a Mega Desk. But prettier, and without Dwight and Jim fighting over it. 

I located one I wanted that was in stock at a store near us, so we picked it up and brought it home last night after I got off of work.

There were a few problems putting it together...

"Chanel, you have that piece backwards."

"I do?"

"Yeah. Flip it over the other way." 

So I flipped it.

Five minutes later...

Something didn't look right.

"Chanel! You put your end on backwards!"

"I did not! You did!"

"No, you did! The holes are facing the wrong way!"

"Padawan, you told me I had it backwards the first time! You told me to flip it, so I did. This is your fault!"

"How is that my fault?"

"Because I had it right and then you told me to change it and now it's wrong!"

Ten minutes later...

"Padawan, the legs are backwards on this piece."

"They are not.

"Yes they are. They are supposed to face the other way, like on THAT piece."

"Oh. You're right. How did you manage to do that twice?"

"ME? You put this half together before I even came to help! You did it."

"Can you prove that?"

"Yes, I can. And you know it was your fault."

"Well, how do we fix it?

"We'll just unscrew them and put the pieces on the other way."

Two minutes later...

"Chanel, this bar is on the wrong side. We have to switch it with the other bar."

"What? How did that happen?"

"You flipped the legs, but not the bars." 

"How is this my fault again?"

"Because you didn't give me a chance to switch the bars around! If the legs were backwards, that means I put EVERYTHING together backwards and it all had to be switched."


One minute later...

"Padawan, these screws won't go into the holes!"

*sigh* "You have no upper body strength. Let me show you how it's done." He didn't. "Hey...these holes aren't aligned properly! Stupid piece of made-in-China shit bag fucker!"

Two minutes later...

"Damn it! Get me my power drill!"

Thirty seconds later...

"That's right, you piece of shit! I won!"

"Yes, Padawan, you  have conquered the inanimate object. Go eat dinner. I can finish the rest."

And I did. When he came back in I had it all set up like I wanted and I asked, "What do you think?"

He looked at me. "I think I want your new desk."

"It's too girly for you."

"You don't need all of that space."

"Oh...but I do."

Twenty minutes later...

"Padawan, will you set up the second monitor and connect it to my laptop? I don't want duplicate screens. I want my laptop to be an extension of the big one."


"Oh, and set up the wireless keyboard? I need to make double dotted U's so I can win the war with Charlie. My laptop keyboard can't do that."

"Who's Charlie?"

"A blogging friend. I think he's deluded himself into thinking he's winning."

"Is this a real person?"

"Presumably. I think he lives in Utah or something. He's like Snow White, but he's a man and he's not royalty. I don't think there's an evil queen that wants to eat his heart to be beautiful forever, either, but you never can tell what's going on in someone's life on the DL." 

"I'm going to regret asking this, I'm sure. But why is he like Snow White?"

"Because he charms skunks into being his friends!"

*shakes head* "I'm sorry I asked."

Ten minutes later...

"There you go."

I take my seat...

"Muah ha haaa! Muah ha ha ha ha haa! Bwa ha ha haa!"

"Uh...Chanel? Why are you cackling like that?"

"I'm pretending I'm an evil genius in my secret lair! Don't judge me! Muah ha haa!"

"Right then..."

This concludes the story.

P.S.  As soon as I can find an appropriate Evil Genius in Her Secret Lair Hat, I will have Padawan take a picture of me at my Mega Desk and post it for you laughing pleasure. Suggestions for a hat?


  1. "shit bag fucker."

    Your Padawan has a dirty mouth :)

  2. Only when provoked by inanimate objects, and that just makes it funnier.

  3. I've put my share of those kinds of things together. It always goes pretty much the way you described. I remember one desk that I put together that had an overhead hutch and a side unit for the printer that was connected to it by a diagonal piece. I set it up to fit in the corner of the room. I crawled back into the corner, and tightened all the connections between the side unit and the desk. It was at that point that I realized that I had imprisoned myself in the corner. I practically had to break the desk to get out.

  4. The directions ought to be clearer in these things. It's not our fault.

    When building anything I find that it's always best to have a woman standing there with you. She doesn't have to help, just stand there and tell you everything you're doing wrong. That way you don't have to worry about trapping yourself in a corner. Which, if anybody witnessed it, was probably pretty funny to watch.

    I'm glad you made it out alive, though. :)

  5. Hmmmm...Sounds like conversations that the Husband and I have had during projects like this. I've officially stopped volunteering to help. Now I'm the designated "step-and-fetch".

    I'm glad you have your evil lair all put together. Now you have a proper place to finish your plans for WORLD DOMINATION!!!

    Hat? Who needs a hat? You should just put on some dark sunglasses and slick your hair back into a tight bun. Put on some bright red lipstick and voila! You'll be both evil AND feminine.

  6. PS: Tyler has a "Hate-Hate" relationship with inanimate objects too. I always know he's had it when he starts swearing and beats the crap out of stuff. It's always a good laugh for me, though he doesn't find it all that amusing until he "wins the battle". :)

  7. Must be a man thing...

    I don't normally help. I usually just watch and offer constructive criticism. But this was special.

    The only sunglasses I own are not very "evil genius" like. They are more Audry Hepburn. I think the Hat is necessary. Something that says, "I'm brilliant and evil, but I still like fashion. And I will take over the world with this fashionable hat."

  8. PS. Why do men always have to "win" when they're "fighting" things that can't move or think? I don't get it...

  9. My wife won't even be in the house with me when I'm putting furniture together. I become a different person for a while. It's never pleasant.
    It Just Got Interesting

  10. This is only reaffirming my belief that it's a man thing. When I put together something (I set up drum sets and thrones and stands at work) I don't get all frustrated about it. You don't see women saying, "HAHA! I won!" to a piece of furniture.

    Is this learned behavior, or is it just instinct?

  11. Yes, I think it is a universal man thing. I kicked an artificial Christmas tree once because the stupid thing wouldn't go back inside the box. Sprained my ankle, but totally worth it.

  12. Battling inanimate objects is instinct. And I can spout fake science-y mumbo jumbo to back up that claim.

  13. I think there is something just...not right... about kicking a Christmas tree. What would Baby Cheese say to that if he saw it? (If he could talk. I don't think enough time has passed for him to actually know how to speak yet. Then again he could be a highly advanced life form.)

    He'd probably say, "Yay, Dad, you won!"

    Since it's apparently instinctive for men to battle inanimate things, it's probably instinctive for other men (even baby ones) to cheer on the human victor.

  14. Child proof locks for cabinets...power drills...bad measuring...locks not quite catching as they should...wife glaring at you four months later when child perfects the art of stealing...there is nothing more evil and inanimate in this world that child safety locks. Nothing.

  15. How about a pith helmet? Not evil enough?
    I call my buddy Tom, booger miner, to put stuff like this together. He has a knack for it. I end up putting it together and taking it apart too much if I do it.

  16. Scott, my grandparents have the "child proof" things in their house that plug into the outlets so that my cousin can't stick things in there. But he takes them out and puts them in a bowl and then gives them back to my grandparents like it's a game. That is probably a second evil inanimate thing because they are useless. But it's not really your fault if the child lock doesn't catch properly. (Do you swear at it?)

    George, what is a pith helmet?

    Booger miner...ha ha.'s really NOT a guy thing. You don't swear at inanimate objects. It's just a certain kind of guy thing.

  17. I was smiling as I read through the conversation about the desk. I rarely get upset with inanimate objects, but occasionally one really gets to me and I have to kick it, gnaw on it, and belittle it into submission. Pure instinct.

    I then started giggling when you mentioned me. I have never been compared to Snow White before. I like it. No creepy old lady trying to eat my heat...that I know of. Now I'm going to freak out if any approach me with apples. I also sing a lot, but mainly made up lyrics to current songs involving monkeys, lemurs, and poop being thrown. For some reason my wife doesn't like my songs...

    You need a fez...or maybe THIS ONE!!

    Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

  18. LOL! My husband and I have a hard time putting things together too because he's so darn particular about how I do things. Grrr. But I especially liked the end of your story when you're doing the evil laugh in your lair. I can totally see me doing the same thing! What I wouldn't give for a nice big desk...

  19. Yay for the new desk! I bet there is never a dull moment in your house. You guys are probably cracking jokes even when you are pissed at each other.

  20. Charlie, I'm surprised that nobody has ever thought to compare you to Snow White before. Then again, I have a weird way of seeing things. Now I think the world should know. There may be an award involved in this. After the other one.

    Ü<-----That is a proper one! Muah ha haa! Also, Fezs are for fat old men who ride around on little motorcycles. I am too mature for such frivolity. I do, however, love that top hat. I now have a model for Evil Hat...

    Hannah, you should try the woman code: stand there and tell him everything he does wrong. Seriously, he'll never complain about the way you do things when helping him again. If you get a big desk, you MUST do the evil laugh! You must! It is seriously so much fun. Plus you feel all diabolical when you sit there. Even just typing comments feels like part of world domination!

    Asha, our little home is pretty active. I swear up a storm when I'm making something complicated and something goes wrong...Padawan mostly thinks that is funny though. We do get angry with each other sometimes, but no jokes get told. We are sarcastic though. We mostly just hug and kiss and make up in a not so funny way and then things are funny again.

  21. Ahahaha. I like this story.

    PS- I have a megadesk at work. I've arranged 3 desks together to create one giant L-shaped teacher desk. I love it. I want to see pictures of your new desk though.

    PPS- I don't think the post script is supposed to be longer than the original message, oops.

  22. I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOUR MEGADESK. And I am anxiously waiting for pics.

  23. Pith helmets are those things that they wear in the jungle hunting tigers and lions in the old movies.

  24. Ms. Jenna, your Mega Desk is bigger than my Mega Desk. I bet you feel all sorts of diabolical when you're using it. PS. I don't know if there's a rule about the post scripts and their lengths, but either way rules are sometimes made to be broken.

    Nicki, as soon as I find a hat there will be pictures. With Choo Choo, too. She's my sidekick.

    George, those hats don't look very evil genius-esque. They look silly. I don't want to look silly. I want to look threatening and powerful!

  25. I guess you need a Prussian officers helmet then.

  26. Wow. Look at the spike! I could impale people who opposed me! I LOVE IT!!!!!!

  27. My megadesk asserts all levels of authority over my classroom. I effing love it.


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