Monday, February 7, 2011

Hail the conquering hero!

My condolences to those of you who were hoping that the Steelers would take the Super Bowl. I am jumping up and down with joy terribly sorry that you had to suffer such a terrible disappointment. I'm not personally a fan of the Steelers. Actually, I hate them with the fiery intensity of a million suns. And I don't actually like the Packers either. I hate them with the fiery intensity of a million suns. 

If it hadn't been for the fact the Super Bowl was played in the Cowboys Stadium, I would have been content to sit at home and hope that both teams suffered heavy losses and injury. But it was played in Cowboys Stadium, and the idea of the Packers, who I hate on the principle of their name and their ugly uniforms, scoring a victory on Cowboys Territory was far more palatable to my Texas upbringing. I was eight years old the year the Steelers played the Cowboys for the Super Bowl. (That year the Jaguars also made it to the playoffs, but they lost.) There was a lot of angry hostility between my Mom, a die hard Cowboys fan, and my Uncle T, who had the nerve to show up for the game wearing his Steelers jacket! My  Mom, despite Daddy's admonition to be a good sport, told him he couldn't come inside unless he left the coat outside. Mom won that round. And then the Cowboys took the victory and Uncle T had to hang his head in shame.

Oh no, there was no way I could possibly stomach the idea of the Steelers winning a game on our new stadium. The Packers were by the far the lesser of two evils, and for the ugly clad, badly named team I cheered. (Not the the Steelers have a better color scheme, mind you. Their uniforms are just as hideous.) And we conquered.

In your face, Steelers!  Well played, sirs. You fought with the grace of a stampede of moose of proper gentlemen from a time long forgotten. (See, I'm being a good sport about it!)

Enough of that, though. My real point in all of this is that I had to rub it in a little Christina Aguilera's interesting rendition of The Star Spangled Banner. And I'm not only talking about the way she delivered it. (Definitely not my favorite way to hear it. What was with her voice? I expected so much more from her!)

How the hell do you botch the lyrics to the song they teach you on the first day of pre-k? I mean seriously. WTF???

If I wasn't already reveling in the glory of being a brunette, I certainly would be now. She's just cemented forever in the history of the world that a bleached blond, busty woman (a walking stereotype of a bimbo) destroyed, on national television and in front of thousands of people live, the lyrics to the National Anthem. 

I've heard at least twelve blond jokes revolving around her serious fuck up since last night, and I'm probably going to hear a lot more before the week is done. And while I've always been able to appreciate a good blond joke (just as I can appreciate almost any joke that is in good taste), these are just a little harder to swallow. She's marching around half dressed giving blonds everywhere a bad name. And the only thing she could say in her defense was sorry, guys, I know I messed up but I still love my country!

Okay, she didn't say it exactly like that, but that's pretty accurate, and anyway it sounds so much better the way I wrote it. I'm not anything like a die hard patriot, but great balls of fire! There were soldiers present. (I'm not starting in about war. I don't like war. I hate it, but I'm a military brat. I don't have to support the politics to support my defenders.)

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard at the Super Bowl.

Oh wait, yeah I do. It was my sophomore year of high school when Janet Jackson's top got ripped off and the whole world saw her boob. *chuckle* That was all any of the guys in my class talked about for a week. OH MY GAWD! Janet Jackson's boob popped out when she made Justin Timberlake pull her top off her top slipped off. Oh, I'm under no illusions. I understand that the top falling off was completely intentional an accidental wardrobe malfunction. 

Meanwhile, we're expecting more snow (yay!) on Wednesday. Padawan should be healthy enough to withstand a good snowball lobbed at him by then. And if the snow doesn't come, I'm determined to buy myself one of those snow cone ice shaver thingies so I can make my own damn snow, and ultimately my own damn arsenal of snowballs with which to wage war.

Has this plotting gotten a little out of hand? 

Well, I'll concede that maybe a little bit. But is that enough to stop me from going ahead with my plan?

*scoff* Not just no, but hell no.

It will be on like Donkey Kong one way or another.

I hope we get enough snow that I can do this:

And if Mother Nature doesn't give me what I want, well I will buy an industrial sized snow cone machine and I will make it myself! Or I will try until I can't try anymore!


  1. I didn't even watch the Superbowl this year. Usually we have a pool at work, but for reason no one got around to doing it this year. I'm not a big sport's fan. Unless I've got money riding on it somehow, I'm pretty much bored out of my mind.

    I did hear about the Christina Aqu..however-you-spell-it thing on the news this morning. I'm not sure if I remember the lyrics off the top of my head, but if someone hired me to sing at the Superbowl, I think I'd at least bone up on them with a quick visit to

    That picture at the bottom has to be the coolest snow fort ever. Reminds me of our snowball wars when I was a kid. I pretty sure the other kids would have crapped themselves if our side had built that.

  2. I'm a little wishy washy when it comes to sports. I have teams for every sport that I like, and if they are playing I root for them. And I have teams for every sport that I hate. And if they are playing I will root for the other time. If teams I do not like or hate are playing, I root for the team with the better uniform color scheme. Never before have I ever watched a game where I hated both teams. This was an interesting experience.

    She says she got so wrapped up in the music she lost her place in the song.

    If you had enough snow for a fort like that, WHY are you willing for me to go up to Ohio to take it all away? You KNOW you want a fort like that in your yard!

  3. I'll try to send some of my snow your way. We've got more than enough to spare! I won't say anything about the Superbowl, but I almost fell off my chair when you said you were a sophomore in high school when the whole Jackson/Timberlake thing happened. Christ I feel old.

  4. I have a confession to make. I didn't watch the Super Bowl. However, out of the two options, I'm glad the Packers won. Take that, Steelers!

    I remember the whole kafuffle over that whole "wardrobe malfunction" thing, although I didn't actually watch it happen. Drama drama drama!

    I hope you'll get a good batch of snow to throw at Padawan. I like your picture of victory, and I hope it comes to full fruition. :)

  5. I would appreciate more snow, if you could manage that. I have some vanilla now and am prepared to stock up on some snow cream. I didn't mean to make you, or anybody else for that matter, feel old. Would it have been better if I had said that I was fifteen instead of a sophomore?

  6. Ah, Candice, you did it again! Commented while I was responding! Your own bubble of response again. You really MUST be plotting this.

    So you didn't see all of the Packers fans wearing Cheese hat things on their heads? What WAS that?

    I hereby politely request that you guys all wish me more snow!!!! The gathered powered of wishful thinking will be a success!

  7. I was rooting for the Steelers. It doesn't upset me that the Packers won though. I usually root for the Bears or anybody playing the Cowqueens.
    I think if Christina hadn't been so consumed with making a scale out of every note she was singing, she could have concentrated on the words.

  8. I've got access to a snow cone machine. Give me a holler and I'll do my best to support the cause!

  9. Chanel: I'm TOTALLY plotting over here. You've uncovered my dastardly plan to monopolize your attention and get my own comment response bubble on every post! Bwa Ha Ha Haaa!!!

  10. I had a Snoopy Snow Cone Machine growing up. It took forever for each snow cone, so we ate them, rarely throwing teeny tiny snow balls. Couldn't waste the precious stuff after hand cranking it out over the course of three hours. I recomend an electic machine if you want to horde up for a snow ball ambush.
    Funny Stuff I Write

  11. George, I think I can forgive you for rooting for the Steelers. I'm in a fairly forgiving mood right now. Also, I've rooted for the Bears before. Nice colors in their uniforms. And you're probably right about the scales.

    Doug...Ah, Doug, what are we going to do with you? Is there a better word to use that doesn't sound prissy? I considered saying "breast" but it didn't feel natural. (The word, not the breast. I've never felt Janet's chest, so I wouldn't know.)

    Ms Jenna, get your snow cone machine out and ready. My Boss says it might just be sleet without snow. And you can't throw a ball of sleet. (Well, maybe you could. But it would hurt the victim.)

    Candice, I knew it! Fortunately for you, I'm not too concerned with your dastardly plan. If I was a super hero they would call me "Procrastinator" or just plain lazy. So you can have your evil laugh (my favorite is the muah ha ha haaa variety) and carry on.

    Charlie, my grandmother had this snow man snow cone maker that was electric, but you had to press the snow man down on the ice with all of your weight to get it through the grinder. It was time consuming as well, and it made your wrists hurt. I was planning on "borrowing" a snow cone machine from a carnival or something. They have really big ones that work fast and would be very good for snow wars.

  12. No. "Boob" works just fine. But I'm still going to giggle a little every time :)

  13. And I will giggle every time I picture you giggling. Because you just don't see men giggle very often.


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