Tuesday, March 8, 2011

If I had an Internet Dating Profile....

Padawan and are are having a date night sans Master Plo Koon. We're going to a screening of Four Lions or something like that. A British comedy, I'm told, that is insanely popular here in Austin, according to the ad. It's hitting DVD and Blu-Ray today, so that's why the Village (yet another fabulous location of the Alamo Drafthouse) is having this screening. I'm not sure what to expect from this movie. I'm a fan of British humor most of the time, but sometimes it isn't amusing. I'm hoping this is one of those times that I can't stop laughing.

Yesterday a friend wrote about internet dating sites and the frustrations that may or may not result from using them. And it got me thinking...

What would I say in my profile if I joined an Internet Dating Site?

Name: Chanel

Age: 22

Orientation: Straight

Likes: Animals, Nerds, reading

Dislikes: stupidity

Looking for: Stable environment

About me: For starters, I am not entirely sane. I like to wear motorcycle helmets around for fun even though I do not actually own a motorcycle. I think they are just pretty accessories, like shoes. I am neurotic. I do not understand myself, and you will only frustrate yourself and possibly go crazy if you try to figure me out. Don't bother. 

Some days you will irritate me when you whistle, and some days I won't even notice. I never think the same thing twice, except my pet peeves. But I will not tell you what my pet peeves are. You will only know when you have done something completely intolerable after you've already done it. And you will know you've done something wrong because I will have one or more of the following reactions: I will snap at you, yell at you, throw something soft at you, call you an idiot, and/or give you the silent treatment. The only way to pacify me is to offer an immediate apology, even if you don't think you've done anything wrong. "Yes, dear. You're right," is always the best solution.

But it will make me even angrier if you sound like you don't mean it. 

I don't like to wear matching socks, mostly because I don't like to take the time to mate socks. And I don't like taking the time to search through a pile of socks to find two that look kind of a like. I grab the first two socks that come to hand, and if one is pink and one is green, that's fine with me. It's not like you can see them when I'm wearing shoes, anyway.

I like Twilight. 

I also like blogging. I will refer to fellow bloggers  and things they say like they are people who I hang out with every single day. I will talk about them in the same way I talk about friends I meet for drinks and movies. I will expect you to keep it straight in your head which people are Bloggers and which are  Reality, and I will be very hurt if you fail to remember these things.

Also, I will refer to any characters in books like they are real people. Pretend to be interested.

As far as dating goes, I'm looking for a nerd who likes to play video games, knows his way around computers, and is willing to let me cook but will do the dishes because I hate messing with that shit. Also, if you like to mate socks, that would probably be good. You must also love animals because I have a five pound chihuahua and I have been known to take in random stray cats without warning. You can't have children because I don't like most children and I won't pretend to like yours just to make you happy. It just doesn't work that way. If you have been previously married that is OK. I don't care about ex-wives. Just furnish proof of your divorce or I will believe you are a lying, cheating scumbag.  

You must also have dark brown/black hair, blue eyes, must be five foot eleven or taller with an athletic build, a nice nose, and a sparkling nerdy personality. You must also drive well. Driving terrifies me and you will never talk me into driving, so be prepared to pick me up for any and all dates, or walk. I do not ride bicycles, either, because I can only go straight on them at present. I am open to learning. 

There are many more things but I can't fit them in this page so if you aren't running away and screaming madly, feel free to answer. Be warned: if your message is not typed in proper English with correct spelling and punctuation my only response will be to correct your mistakes and send your message back to you, with an added post script indicating that you can go jump off a bridge. Also, if your first thought is to say something about "you're hot" or any variation of that, you will get a scathing reply that will leave you feeling like I robbed you of your manhood. 

PS. I might be a little high maintenance. 

I think I'd be a hit! Don't you? 


  1. C, you would have been a real catch out there!!

  2. Wait what? Not all people think what happens in books or TV shows/movies are real?! lol Just kidding. But I do the same thing. I will bawl my eyes out or laugh uncontrollably at a part in my book as if it is actually happening. And yes, I think about my blogging friends just like I do the people I see driving down the road. This was a very funny post. And I loved the picture! (And I LOVE Twilight too. The books more than the movies, but I still own the DVDs just because I love the books so much.)

  3. Organic, I know. So many broken hearted nerds are crying over my not singleness...

    Hannah, it annoys Padawan when I'm talking about a blog comment thread like it was happening in person and then he realizes that it's online and he'll be like, "So this didn't happen in real life?" And of course it did and I get all huffy about it. Same thing with my characters in novels. Apparently only females do this. Men like to separate real life from Internet from Books. And I have the DVDs too, and I go to every single midnight premiere of the new movies because...I'm dedicated. Also, I love Jasper. I'm glad I'm not the only person who does this.

  4. ...How can you want someone who has an athletic build AND a nerd? Unless being a nerd has changed since I was in high school, it sounds like you want a quarterback willing to turn over his pads for a Wii fit, a collection of sci-fi books and only knowing a woman by the way she dresses when staging a rescue operation for some fellow named Han. Also, what does it take for a Blogger friend to morph (power ranger style) into reality or have you drawn a permanent line between here and there?

  5. Athletic build is the PC way of saying "skinny as a freaking rail" when describing a man. And it means "flat chested" when describing a woman. For the record. I despise muscle-y beefed up men. I don't like to feel like I'm overpowered easily.

    I haven't drawn any such lines. I speak about Blogging friends like friends because they are friends. Padawan draws the line between what he calls "Reality" and "Internet."

  6. Not just women. I talk about bloggers I have never met as my friends. My wife thinks I'm crazy...which I am, so I can't argue. I also talk about book and tv characters like they are real people with real life motivations. Don't even get me started on my characters from my novel. They are real people who influence the way I think and keep me up late at night with long conversations.

    I am also a nerd with an athletic build. Some nerds play soccer, racquetball, and hike a lot, Atypical Scott.

    BTW, someone found my blog the other day by typing in "skunk chanel art". Made me laugh.

  7. I stand corrected then, Charlie Polsipher.

    Nothing wrong with that, although I can say with proof and past emails that some people who blog are not to be trusted...really...like, ever. I am also a little suspicious of that Bryan White fellow. :)

  8. Maybe it's a Blogger thing. Must study this further...I will take a survey on Friday.

    I just said it: athletic means skinny in male speak. There may be "toning" but no muscles.

    Muscles are just freaking gross. Abs weird me out. I call them roach bellies. I TOTALLY should have added that in there.

    ADDENDUM: Abs are disgusting. When I was in elementary school my science teacher made me look at a roach under a microscope. Abs look like the roach bellies. It grosses me out. I am not interested in any man who has a roach belly. It is just disgusting.

    Wow. My name was even in that search field! That's kind of funny. Skunk chanel art...Yup. It was the fourth thing down when I googled it.

  9. I am also a little suspicious of the Bryan White fellow. I think he may really be a formerly famous but now obscure country music artist. And I don't think he lives in Arizona. I think he really lives in a Time Tunnel. He only pretends to think Time Travel is impossible because he doesn't want us to know. But I'm totally onto him.

  10. I used to be much toner, never muscular by any stretch, but I admit that I am much less tone and less skinny than I used to be, but still somewhat athletic. It is good to mistrust a little on the internet.

    That Bryan White guy is a bit shady...I mean who is that smart when it comes to quantum physics spending all that time on the internet chatting with us? Extra terrestrial phishing scheme I think.

  11. I'm tempted to say "You're hot", just so that I can hear the scathing reply that will leave me feeling robbed of my manhood.

    Unfortunately, I have a debilitating medical condition that makes me unable to fill out questionnaires seriously, so I don't know if I could ever use one of those dating sites. I would probably make up an entire profile about how I was obsessed with bees, how my house was filled with thousands of bees like a giant hive, and how I needed a woman who was willing to wear a bee costume in bed and make constant buzzing noises.

    And yes, I do live in a time tunnel. The rent is great. I only had to pay for one month. I just keep going back and living that same month over and over.

  12. Charlie, The Internet is full of lies! Lies and photoshopped pictures of Doug holding sex toys! It's a terrible, lonely place if you don't talk to the right people.

    Are you saying Bryan isn't of this terrestrial realm? *laughs*

    Bryan, doesn't work that way. I know your plot.

    I'm pretty sure there's a fetish site for that kind of thing. www.beefetish.com

    I didn't look at it because I didn't know what I would find. But I'm pretty sure the title is self explanatory. So, you know, just build your profile on there and see what happens!

    Wow. I should move into a time tunnel. Rent would be cheap!

  13. Also, what kind of build is it where it's like when you pop open a can of biscuits and they start to ooze out, but it's like that all over? I think it's called the "please put your clothes back on...no, seriously" build. That's what I have.

  14. A can of biscuits? Where do you get canned biscuits? And why would they ooze? Biscuits are light and fluffy.

    Plus they are really good with raspberry jam or honey on top of them. Maybe peanut butter and jelly if that's your biscuit preference. But I have never had an oozing biscuit. I think you're just making this up.

  15. PS. I googled canned biscuits to see if you were yanking my chain. Apparently Pillsbury sells pre-made biscuits in cans and all you have to do it pull them apart and bake them.

    I'm not sure if this is the single most awesome invention in the entire freaking world of if it is just lazy.

    But now I want to try them to see if they are as good as Memaw's biscuits. Which are delicious. And NOT from a can.

  16. You've never had biscuits out of a can!? My God!! The next thing you're going to tell me is that you've never had sausage gravy out of a bag. Sheesh.

  17. She is 22. young. nerdy and neurotic. She has had a biscuit from a can that or, at the very least, cookie dough or cinnamon rolls by that fat chef...conversely, do you go "hee-hee" when someone pokes your belly Bryan? I do.

  18. I'm a fan of this profile. You'd want to be careful of the freaks though. You know, the ones that will honestly think you're kidding no matter how much you yell at them. Watch out! :)

  19. I vomit copiously when someone pokes my belly, but when I approached the Pilsbury folks with this new concept for their mascot, for some reason they weren't interested. Can you believe that?

  20. Bryan, no I have never had a biscuit out of a can. My grandmother makes hers the old fashioned way...and I use bisqwik because I don't have a sifter or the inclination to do all of that work. And no, I've never had sausage gravy out of a bag. That is really easy to make on the stove top with no effort.

    Scott, I have cookie dough in tubes. I suppose this is the same concept as a biscuit in a can, except they are not pre-sliced. I like cinnamon rolls from the cinnabon, I don't eat canned versions of those either. I have seen canned tamales, but I wouldn't eat those. They put a lot of things in cans I wouldn't eat...I'm going to look for the biscuits, though. They will either be okay to eat or very disgusting.

  21. Candice, I didn't think about that. Hey! I'm absolutely serious! All of those things are very, very true! Though I should say when I throw soft things I mean pillows, and never with any accuracy. Alright, so I have the helmet because Padawan used to have a motorcycle...but I still like to put it on sometimes because it's pretty!

    Bryan, you should tell the Pilsbury folks that calling the woman who pokes him a "ho" twice is probably not a good idea...since you've already got their attention.

  22. They're pretty good actually, but then I don't have "mee-maw's" cuisine to compare it to.

  23. I wanted to name the dog Bisqwik, but my wife thought I was crazy :(

    Plus, I think the dog was too old to adjust to a new name when we got her.

  24. Are you mocking her title of honor? I'll have you know that she is the best Memaw in the whole world and she makes the best food ever! In fact...sometimes Padawan and I will drive all the way out to her house just so we can have dinner!

  25. My sister named one of her dogs "Figgy Toe Socks." So...Bisqwik is probably a pretty sane name.

  26. I knew somebody one time that called their little brother "Master Plo Koon"

  27. Wow. Really? That's just freakin' crazy. Who would call a kid something like that?

  28. Probably the same sort of nut-job that wears a motorcycle helmet for fun.

  29. The world is full of all sorts of neurotic head cases...they're everywhere.

  30. hahaha. My friends have taken to stopping me in the middle of stories to clarify, "real or blog" and have started to refer to people as blog Kat, blog Hannah, blog Chanel, blog Rita...etc to get people straight in their heads! I think you would have been swarmed with men my dear!!

  31. Oh...I could start doing that for Padawan. Then he wouldn't have to ask..."Real or Internet?" when I talk about whoever I'm talking about...Good idea! Thank you for that.

    I wonder what would happen if I really posted this? Food for thought...

  32. "PS. I might be a little high maintenance."

    And water is sort of wet.
    Richard Simmons is kind of gay.
    Chihuhuas look a little bit like rats.

  33. There is literally nothing left to add to this conversation.


    And I think my dream man would let me cook and do the dishes unless I am too tired/drunk/sick to do so. Like, he has a reserve store of cooking knowledge that can be pulled out in emergencies to make me fab dishes.

  35. Let me clarify: HE does the dishes. Always. Never me. I think we should form a Dirty Dish She-hater's Campaign.

  36. Doug, alright so I AM high maintenance. But Chihuahuas do not look like rats.

    Brent, expect to say there was nothing to say, which you said.

    Nicki, I never thought to add that...Padawan calls himself a Nuclear Chef: he's an expert with the microwave. This is why it's so easy to have me cook and him do dishes. I think things would be less awesome if he made me do dishes. Dishes...just gross me out.

    It's good he does the dishes. And we should form a Dirty Dish She-Haters Campaign. Know any other ladies who despise the dishes?

  37. I'd date you, if I was real. And if I swung that way. Which I don't. All the same, I like how bloggers are in a category of their own which is separate from reality.

  38. "I'd date you, if I was real"

    I am a little freaked out about that. Evidently you have a Ghost In The Machine. Which is both exciting and terrifying.

  39. Ms Jenna, you have freaked out Scott. I tip my not yet purchased evil genius in her secret lair hat at you. Thanks. I wouldn't date me if I swung that way. But I know what it's like to live with me.

    Scott, are you shaking in your boots? (Or sneakers or sandals or whatever footwear you prefer?)

  40. Those things out of a can are horrible they cannot compare to the biscuits that my grandmother used to make. I refuse to eat them.
    You don't sound any different in your profile here than a lot of the girls I have dated.

  41. Are you sure? I had Padawan pick some up at the store and I'm considering making them. The picture looks pretty appetizing.

    Well yeah, but the point was that nobody on internet dating sites actually puts the true stuff in their profile. I just listed out my worst traits!

  42. They do look good. I am of the opinion that the flavor and texture is not right. That's my opinion though. The canned biscuits somehow seem artificial. I can eat the cinnamon rolls like them, I just can't do the biscuits.
    My grandmother's (mammaw in KY) biscuits resembled the ones you get at McDonalds, only light and airy. I like the flavor of McD's biscuits but they are so damned heavy. She used self rising flour, lard (saved from the cook top) and milk. She never measured, but they always tasted the same.
    Try the canned biscuits. You never know, most people I know love the things.

  43. I like my biscuits light and fluffy and flaky on top. Are the ones in the can too heavy or something?

    I can't share Memaw's recipe. It's her pride and joy. Though I can say that she does use butter and she's insistent that you can't get rid of all the lumps of butter because when they bake the little pockets of butter make a difference or something.

  44. The canned ones should be light.
    The lumps of butter are important, like in puff pastry or pie crust. They create air pockets as they melt and impart that great butter taste.
    Heck, I don't like cheese slathered all over every thing either, so it's probably just me. What's it going to hurt to try them.

  45. Ah. See, I knew she had a reason for her obsessiveness about the butter lumps.

    It's not going to hurt anything to try them since I already had Padawan get them. Waste not. We will make them. And if they are good, I will still prefer Memaw's.

  46. Buon appetito. I'd be curious to hear your review of them.

  47. Oh everybody will be hearing what I think of them.

  48. Probably not. I'd be like damn that's a lot to read she's probably psycho - lets look at her pictures to see if its worth it. Then we'd probably determine (probably incorrectly) that you have "Angles Disease" based on the fact that your pictures are: a weird angle main profile picture, a picture of you wearing a helmet, a couple of hair pictures, and a wide angle group shot of you and 3 other girls. ;) LOL

    Probably good you're just blogging. :)

  49. I saw a video about the "Myspace Angles" or something where the chick turned out to be bigfoot or the missing link or something but you couldn't tell because of the "Angles" she took the pictures at. It was pretty funny.

    How did you know about all of those pictures? Some of those were from way back when I first started this blog! You couldn't possibly have gone back and read every post...

  50. I'm impressed you knew what Angles Disease was, I thought for sure my next post would be to link to the Urban Dictionary entry. LOL

    Can I plead the 5th on the reading the whole thing? LOL. I clicked on your profile actually cause of a comment you left on BooksofAdam... and its been a bit slow on grave shift. HAHA So no I haven't read all of them, but I at least glanced through and read the ones with pictures. (o:

  51. Anyone who had a Myspace in 2005 would know what about Angles. I believe Kodak or something also has videos floating around featuring monsters that manage to look human and attractive because of the Angles.

    Well that explains how you found me and your knowledge of my pictures. I very rarely comment on Books of Adam. Must have been the one about the coconut. Well, I'm glad you aren't a troll. Or I dunno. You have a secret profile so you may be a troll and you just aren't trolling me right now. Either way, I'm glad you're not insulting me.

  52. Comment about the Kitten actually.

    Haha actually I have no profile (it's not secret). I'm just using my Google Account to comment. I actually had a Xanga blog back in the day but it started getting trolled by "real" people I knew and it became drama. Plus I'm not that great of a writer anyway.

    Troll? Me? No..... :) LOL If you're super curious who I am, I am on facebook though, sirluke4@yahoo.com.

  53. Oh, I had a Xanga. I still have a Xanga, actually. I promised J-Lynne I'd never delete it because she likes to go back and remember everything.

    I have found that blogging is much more fun when no one from your daily life reads it. Drama always starts if you let friends and coworkers read it. Only significant others are safe. And even then...sometimes they are touchy. I can see the point in not wanting to put up with, "OMG! I can't believe you wrote that about me!" or whatever people would say.

    Well you can't really blame me for thinking you might be a troll. I recently received my very first troll comment from someone with an anonymous profile, and then you popped up almost immediately after.

    I have no idea how to search for people on Facebook, and I really don't use it often anyway. It became significantly less entertaining to me when my Memaw joined. There are just...boundaries. Also, I made the mistake of putting a picture of me in a bathing suit up once and my father flipped out about internet creepers and whatnot. So Facebook is definitely not fun anymore.

  54. LOL... would a direct link help?

    Your father would probably think most of my friends and cousins have bad parents then. :-O

    No I don't blame you one bit. My Xanga is up too, although only with a message about why I hid all the previous messages. The drama actually started when a (young) girl who we went to church with found it. Yeah, there were some personal family things (mostly me asking the couple of girls who found me interesting for advice on my rapidly going off the deep end sister) but the majority of the controversial stuff was party details (including my 21st). When she got in trouble for being underage, she told everyone she was just following my example (nevermind I was of age) and BAM pretty much everyone my parents knew read it and my MOM was like OMG... and (well you get the picture). The majority of it WASN'T party stuff, but that's what everyone focused on. Thus ended my online writing career. LOL

  55. Oh my sister printed up my blog every time I wrote about my family just to get me grounded.

    Anonymous blogs are probably best.

  56. wow someone else who likes to wear helmets as well on this planet...


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