Saturday, March 12, 2011

I'm not dead.

I went home yesterday convinced I was in the process of dying. I felt awful. Throbbing head. Nausea. Chills. Aching body. Fever. Everything I felt seemed fairly indicative of impending doom. But...I stayed the whole day. Miserable as I was, I knew that they wouldn't be able to handle the day if I left and somebody from behind the already short staffed counter had to take my place.

So I suffered silently at my desk.

And then I went home, the blissful haven of peace and quiet that would give me hours of dark, silent rest. I would be able to rejuvenate myself and get better.

I have never been more disappointed by anything in my entire life.

Home was not a haven of quiet, calm repose. Home had Padawan and Master Plo Koon and Choo Choo and Toby and Rascal and Upstairs Assholes and Dog Kicking Bitch who was slamming doors...and basically everything conspired against me.

I wanted to sleep in the bedroom. But Master Plo Koon wanted to play Minecraft on Padawan's computer, which is no longer a laptop since Master Plo Koon destroyed that way back when he spilled water in it and fried everything. The bright screen bled through my closed eyes and seared through my brain like a knife through room temperature butter. Every click of the mouse and tap of the keyboard rebounded on the walls of my skull until it struck the right temporal lobe and stuck there, leaving me with the distinct impression the he was stabbing my head with a screwdriver. The sound effects? Even worse. 

Then, of course, there was the couple above us who decided that nine o'clock at night was the best time to make noise. I don't know if they were building furniture or moving it or maybe just dropping bowling balls on the damn floor above the bedroom, but I was hating them more and more with every passing second that felt like a million years. These are the same assholes who keep throwing their cigarette butts over their balcony and into the yard of the neighbor below us and then every time the neighbor below us complains about the cigarette butts in the yard he pays for, the office calls Padawan or me. And they say, "Stop throwing your cigarette butts into his yard," and then I say, "We don't smoke and we don't have friends that smoke! It's not us!" and then they say, "Well the people above you say that they have ash trays they use."

And then I say, "Well, they are really stupid liars because we don't smoke and you know we don't smoke and  it can only be them." 

And then the office employee always sighs and says, "Yes, I know, but we were trying to give them the benefit of the doubt before fining them..."

"Well, it's not us. They are lying. Can you tack on an extra charge for lying? Because I don't appreciate them blaming it on us when it's clearly them." 

Wow. How did I get there? The point is that I already hated those stupid sons of bitches above us, and this was just making me hate them more. If I thought I could have made it up entirely conscious I would have climbed the stairs and gave them what for. Except that Padawan insisted it wasn't loud at all and it would be silly to complain to them. I thought he might be right. Plus I didn't want to die on the stairs if I was going to die.

Speaking of Padawan...Padawan was in the living room watching Top Gear and I could hear the engines and car doors and laughter and noises and taunting that go with the show and it was like it was all happening right there in my ear, which was also where Choo Choo was sitting as she licked her paws obsessively. The sound of a dog licking her paws non-stop right next to your ear on the side it really hurts is just torture. 

Finally I just decided my brain was going to explode and I was going to die a very painful death if I didn't get away from the noise so I gathered two blankets and went outside on the balcony to enjoy the peace and quiet of the great outdoors on the patio furniture. And sat down, got all comfortable, and was about to drift off into a nice sleep when...


Ah, Toby. The dulcet tones of his Basset Hound howl rocketed straight to the sensitive spot on my head and my vision went black for a few seconds, and then I realized that I'd progressed from simple horrifying headache to full on Migraine. And as I was standing up, unsteadily, to go back inside the other neighbor's dog came out and started barking madly.


Ah, Rascal. Always following Toby's direction.

A round of zigzagging, wavy vision followed and I crawled back inside.

Padawan looked at me. "What are you doing?"

"It's like nobody fucking cares that I'm dying!" I snapped at him. I couldn't help it. He was contributing to the noise that was going to result in my death.

"Master Plo Koon, come in here. Chanel doesn't want you to play games anymore."

Angry Chanel. "It's not that I don't want him to play games! I just want him out of the damn bedroom so I can rest! My head is going to explode brain matter all over the apartment and you're going to be pissed when it happens because I'll be dead and you'll have to clean it up yourself!" 

"Why can't I play games?"

"Chanel doesn't feel good. Come play X-Box with me."


I shut the door, snuggled down into bed...

And jerked awake about an hour later when some asshole on a motorcycle stopped on the road outside of my window and revved his engine obnoxiously for no reason. And he did it again. And again. And again. And I was seriously considering picking up a coffee mug and going outside and throwing it at his head when he finally decided to drive off. 

And I went to check on Padawan and Master Plo Koon, but he was already gone so it was just Padawan and I asked him to please turn down the noise of Top Gear and he just turned it off looking very pouty and I climbed into his lap and curled up and said, "Please don't be mad! You don't have to turn it off! Just turn it down!"

"Chanel, I couldn't even hear half of what it was saying, it's turned down so low! Your ears are just sensitive right now!"

And then the neighbors slammed a door so loud I just couldn't help it and I burst into sobs and tears and wails, which just aggravated my sensitive head further and made me cry harder, which hurt more and more, until Padawan couldn't take my anguish anymore and turned off all the lights and sound makers, even the dishwasher, and took me to bed where I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up late this morning with the Migraine gone but a dull headache still in place, my nausea still present, and my fever still burning away. But a dose of ibuprofen brought the temperature down to a tolerable 97.8 degrees, which is only .8 degrees above my average temperature. And I thought, well I don't feel better, but I don't feel worse so I can make it to work. 

And it's a damn good thing I did because Miss Call In called in, Dizzy took off for South By (and I fucking hate South By, just so you know) for the next week and a half, and if I had been missing they would have had to pull someone else from behind the counter which would have been a whopping four employees short since my absence takes someone else away.

So I am here. No hungry. Nauseous. Short tempered. But I am here.

Doing my job.

I deserve a Medal of Honor or something. 


  1. Sounds like a bad case of "Apartment Rage". You need to calm down :D

    Really, though, I hope you're feeling better. I'm glad "Dog Kicking Bitch" has a name...simple, to the point, and a very appropriate.

  2. It's not apartment rage when it was all conspiring against me.

    I'll probably give her a new name. I'm not even sure if it was her who slammed the door. Might have been a kid or the husband. I just hate her enough to blame her automatically.

    I am feeling slightly better-ish. At least I'm starting to feel hungry.

  3. lol well i'm glad to see that you're still alive and well. me too (for now)

    by the way, thanks for that style award you gave me a while ago.

  4. You're welcome. You know I tried to read the thing you posted yesterday but it kept telling me it wasn't there. Since you're here I guess that means that it's there so I can go read it now. I'm very glad to know you're alive and well, too.

  5. Whoa. I just got all starry in here!

  6. Dude, radical change. Is this easier on your nearly-dead eyes? I like it.

    Hope you feel better, but I have to say the frustrations of an illness don't effect your usual goodhearted writing style. :)

    And BTW, you're not convincing me that pets are the way to go at all.
    It Just Got Interesting

  7. wow great post, nice style - following

  8. I like your new backdrop a lot. Nicely done. I also hope you are feeling better as Migraines suck a lot of ass.

  9. Being dead also sucks ass. Glad you aren't doing it.

  10. Let's see...The Makers of "Top Gear", The Makers of the Computer and the Computer Game, Your Upstairs Neighbors, Crazy Dog-Phobic Lady, Toby, Rascal, and DEFINITELY the Motorcyle Guy...ALL OF THEM are going on THE LIST!!! If there's anyone else that we need to add, you just let me know! I've got your back!

    I hope your head gets all better soon. I'm sorry it was giving you such a hard time! Take two Excedrin (my go-to headache cure) and take a day off, okay? :)

  11. I hope "Dog Kicking Bitch" becomes her permanent moniker. It's running a close 2nd to "Master Plo Koon" as my favorite alias around here.

  12. Everybody complains when you come to work sick and they accuse you of malingering when you don't come in at all. So when I come in sick I breathe on as many of my supervisors as possible and try to get the CDC involved as a major outbreak or plague. Hasn't worked yet, but I keep trying.

  13. Bryan, I changed it up again. I even found a tree for it. I was all excited about it yesterday.

    Brent, thank you. I am TOTALLY wearing you down on the pets thing. You could totally use a glow in the dark cat. Or a luminous fish! That's like a night light, but you feed it! Yes, you should definitely get a fish. Look! You can get your very own fish tank for you blog. I have one because they amuse me. You could get one and practice taking care of them.

    G, thank you! I will be following your link shortly.

    Scott, I am definitely feeling better. I'm so glad. I thought I was becoming a succubus of viral plague like the rest of my coworkers. Except they were incubus of viral plague, since they are male. Migraines are something that nobody should have to deal with. And yes, it is very pretty, isn't it? Space is so pretty. I'd like to go there if it wasn't so cold.

    Doug, I will take your word for it on the dead thing. I've never died, so I have no idea. But if the process of dying in very painful, I bet death probably isn't so bad after that because there's no pain.

    Candice, no! Not Toby and Rascal! (I have no idea what their real names are, BTW. They just look like those names should be theirs.) It's not their fault their owners keep dogs obviously meant for hunting confined in small apartment spaces. They OWNERS should go up there. But not the doggies. They're really sweet dogs. They just like to announce that they've seen you.

    I am better but it was rest and quiet after I got home that eventually got me there. I am feeling refreshed and cheery. Thank you for the doctor orders. I will follow those instructions if it (and I hope it NEVER) happens again.

    Bryan again, it might stick. I may never think of anything better to call her. Master Plo Koon is your favorite, huh. Well, I guess it's pretty funny when you consider I'm calling a nine year old "Master" anything.

  14. Darev, kind of brilliant. It might work one day. But it would kind of suck if the CDC decided you were a threat to humanity and took you to their facilities, which may or may not be underground, (I don't know how much I can trust the Walking Dead version of the CDC) to test and experiment on. Still, do you have a supervisor that's like Dwight who wants a better immune system and wants to be coughed/sneezed on?

  15. I've never had a migraine so I can't say I know how you feel. I have had some hangovers that made me hate the world, I'm just glad you had someone to curl up with.

  16. I was very surprised by the new layout, to quote the late John Denver, "Far out".

  17. George! You're back! We were so worried about you! Glad to see you back in the Blogosphere.

    Migraines...are pretty awful. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I'd wish a hang over on my worst enemy, though. Though hangovers are, from my limited experience (one time) not pleasant to deal with. Still, it's hard to feel too sorry for yourself when you have one because it was a direct result of your own actions. Which is why I have no compunction about wishing them on people. layout is pretty, isn't it? I was all excited when I found the background picture and I knew I just HAD to have it. But then I worried that I wouldn't be able to find a tree for it. And then I found the PERFECT tree and I was very pleased with myself.

  18. Okay, the dogs get a pass on this one. But their owners are definitely going on The List if there are any other problems in the future! :)

  19. If I cough or sneeze around most of my supervisors they flinch and threaten to pepper spray me if I don't go away. Some days I fake a good painful sounding cough just so I can be left alone for awhile. It works wonders.

  20. Candice, is there anyone you want to add to The List? Teeny Boppers and such?

    Darev, don't judge me for this...but when I get a really wet, nasty sounding cough it amuses me to go into the Mall and cough really, REALLY loudly. I cover my mouth, of course. I'm not interested in spreading viral plague. I just like watching people look freaked out as they move away. I imagine it would lose its appeal if someone threatened to pepper spray me for it, though. Then again...I wouldn't want to provoke a man with pepper spray or any other form of weapon. I guess that makes you a brave individual, and I am a chicken.

  21. I think that the blog world can spread germs. Seriously. Just about every one of my favorite bloggers has come down with some sort of flu, extreme cold, general sickness, or something. I keep waking up everyday thinking "Is it me? Am I next?" Unfortunately I was not next, you were. Feel better lady.

  22. Some sort of Blogger Flu...interesting.

    Well, I can honestly say I hope it ends with me. I've been in bed sick all day today and it's not fun.

  23. BTW... I just now got around to reading you bio. Sorry, I got distracted. Just so you know; I am a very strange man but you don't need to be afraid. (grin)

  24. *lifts chin* I am not afraid of you. You don't seem all that strange considering what they say about people on the Internet. But when I say strange men I mean men I don't know who try to talk to me. It freaks me out.


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