Tuesday, November 9, 2010

People we despise on Facebook: The Arguer

Have any of you ever read The Oatmeal? If you haven't, you totally should. It's funny as hell unless you're one of those people that gets offended really easily. In which case, I'd recommend staying away from it. 

But there's this comic that I particularly love. It's the How to Suck at Facebook comic, and it makes me laugh so hard that I could give the Hyenas from the Lion King a run for their money. But I feel like the writer of The Oatmeal left out a key Facebooker when he created this hilarious masterpiece of satire. 

The Arguer. I'm sure there's a better, more brilliant title for this obnoxious Facebook user, but I'm not the best at coming up with names. So I'll stick with The Arguer. 

This is a person who, like The Rash (definition is in the comic), will comment on everything that you say. But unlike The Rash, who will compliment you or agree with you even if you say "the sky is green with yellow polka dots," The Arguer will disagree with you no matter what you say, or find some way to imply that you are wrong or doing something wrong, and then they will tell you how to do it right or give you the correct answer.

For instance, if I were to get on my Facebook and say, "God, this lady was a totally bitch cake to me for no reason and refused to understand that my job is not to run and fetch things for her," then The Arguer would jump in and say, "Well, technically your job is Reception, which is defined as customer service, so it would be within your job field to help customers find what they are looking for and get them what they need. That's what customer service is about."

And if I were to take the time to explain that, "No, my job is quite literally to stay put at the desk and answer phones. I am not allowed to get up and leave the desk attended," The Arguer would respond with something else, trying to prove he is right. He would say something like, "But if everybody else is busy, your first priority is the customer, and the customer is always right, so you have to help."

And this battle will go on and on and on because he will not admit he is wrong.

If you say, "The weather is nice," he will reply, "Actually, it's too damn sunny."

If you say, "My dog is sneezing. Her allergies are acting up again," he will comment, "Actually, your dog probably has a severe cold. You're risking her life by not taking her to the vet."

There is literally nothing off limits. Even if there was something you posted a week ago, he will keep commenting on it, beating a dead horse until he's convinced that it's not just playing opossum. Even if you stop responding to his comments, he will keep adding more and more and more until he finally realizes that you are no longer paying attention to him.

And then he will pounce on whatever new thing you say.

"Wow, somebody just told me I have amazingly beautiful green eyes! I love it when people notice my eyes!"

And inevitably, he comments.

"Are they color blind? Your eyes are blue."

Yes. This is actually a friend of mine who actually felt the need to argue the color of my eyes. Though, if anybody knows what color my eyes are, it's me. I do have to look at them every day. And while I know that if I wear blue my eyes look bluer, most days of the week my eyes are a brilliant shade of jade green with a blue rim. My eyes are unusual and large and I love them. And there's nothing more irritating then sharing the fact that I got a compliment and somebody goes and tries to ruin the good feeling. 


And so I think The Oatmeal should edit their comment to include this particular Facebook user, because I'm sure everybody has one on their Facebook. And while I do love my friend, and I think he's a good person, sometimes he just doesn't know when to quit and I wind up like this...

Wishing I was a Jedi so I could force choke the shit out of him through the Interwebz, or maybe just force crush his balls so he can't have any more children, because he does not need to reproduce anymore. One kid is more than enough for him, thank you. He doesn't need to be passing on his uselessly confrontational habits onto his offspring.  


  1. Actually, you're not supposed to leave your desk "unattended".

    Sorry, I couldn't resist :)

  2. Spell check doesn't catch everything. Balls.

  3. I'm glad I haven't Facebook Friended anyone like this. I'd probably have to start hating them, and then I'd unfriend them, and then there would be this big drama-filled thing...

    This post made me smile, Chanel. Good one. :)

  4. I enjoy the Oatmeal. According to its quiz, I should be able to take on 41 baboons in a fight armed only with a giant dildo.

    Personally, I think 41 is a low estimate.

  5. Candice: He's always been like this. I just think he's gotten worse since he was married last year.

    Doug: I was granted the estimation of surviving one minute and twenty seconds after kicking a bear in the balls. Also, my body could support one tapeworm.

  6. Okay, I just went to "The Oatmeal" and took two quizzes. Apparently I would last 35 seconds chained to a bunk bed while being attacked by a velociraptor, and there is a 35% chance that my loved ones are planning to eat me! (I guess I should stay away from bunk beds and watch my back when the family is around!)

  7. Just don't sleep when your family is claiming to be hungry.


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