Monday, November 29, 2010

The gloves are coming off, Jerkface. I'm DONE.

I've been such a good, quiet roommate these last few weeks preparing for our big move. I've been trying extra hard to stay out of Jerkface's way, to make the last months easier on everybody. I've even gone out of my way to say goodbye or hello to Jerkface when he is coming or going and I happen to see him.

I've been the model of friendly roommate behavior.

Apparently it's just not enough, though. Apparently, some Asshat Supreme's are just too jerkfacey to understand when someone is making a genuine effort to not cause problems. I haven't even touched the thermostat in weeks, even thought it's been in the thirties and he STILL turns the AC on, and I stopped running up the electric bill months ago.

Well, fuck all of that. The gloves are coming off after this latest in Jerkface News. After I left for work this morning, Jerkface had the nerve, the audacity, to stomp around the kitchen slamming things for ten minutes. When Padawan asked him what was wrong, do you know what he said?
Chanel was slamming dishes and cabinets and the door this morning and woke me up. She's too noisy. 
Excuse me? 

Let me clarify: I had my coffee cup already sitting out this morning. I did not need to go in the cabinets for the coffee mug. As for slamming dishes? What dishes? I rinsed my mug out and put it in the dishwasher. The only noise I made was opening and closing the refrigerator once, and opening and closing the microwave twice. And correct me if I'm wrong, but there's really no fucking way to keep a microwave from making a noise when you close it. It's just not possible. You have to push it at the end to close it, and when it closes it makes a loud fucking noise. 

And I'm being too noisy with cabinets I didn't touch and dishes I didn't bother with? He's fucking out of his mind insane. And he's even more crazy if he thinks this is going to be the end of it. Because Padawan, in an effort to make peace, has asked me to turn the door knobs on any door I'm shutting before I close it so it won't make a click, and he's asking me to hold the cabinets until they are closed before letting go. And for me to try to find a quieter way to make my breakfast.

Breakfast is a Chai Latte made in the fucking microwave! There is no quieter way to fucking make my breakfast! As for trying to remember to turn the knobs before closing they are both out of their fucking minds. Half the time I forget to close the doors anyway and have to go back and shut them. I'd prefer to leave the doors open, to be honest. I'm going in and out of the bedroom and bathroom so many times it's a hassle to close and open them repeatedly. 

I'm not about to try to remember to turn fucking knobs before closing doors. I can't even remember to close the doors! Half the time I don't even close the front door all the way and have to go back and pull it too again.  I'm not about to add yet ANOTHER thing to the list of things I have to do properly in the morning. Besides, he couldn't remember his fucking promise to not touch the damn AC during the daylight hours over the summer, even though it made me miserable, why the fuck should I care about making his sleepy time better for him? I can promise you, he's not a nicer person when he's well rested. He's a Jerkface almost all of the time. There's no advantage in not interfering with his sleep.

But at least when I make noise, which is rare, it's a fucking accident. Most of the time. Padawan has pretty much broken me of my slamming the bathroom door in his face when I'm pissed at him habit. Jerkface if different. He's twenty five years old and he's going around slamming things because he's pissed off at me and he knows I'm not even there. What the fuck is the point of being mad at somebody and showing it if they aren't there to see it? The point was utterly lost on me. And if I had been home I would have popped my head out and said, "Shut the fuck up! You're an adult!" or something to that effect. Maybe without the swearing.

The part that gets me most about this whole thing, though, is that Padawan was home this morning and he's not shy about letting me know when I'm being too loud in the mornings. He jumps down my throat when I'm unnecessarily noisy because he doesn't want to disturb Jerkface. Padawan did not once ask me to keep it down this morning because I was silent as the fucking grave, and yet he's trying to humor that bastard by asking me to turn the damn knobs. 

This, I feel, is a betrayal. I've been really good about not throwing or slamming things when I'm mad. I haven't done it in something like six months. Maybe since May. That's more than six months, even. And nobody even appreciates this because apparently my best efforts of being easy to live with are just not good enough for Jerkface. 

Well fuck. That. 

He wants to complain about me being noisy? I'll give him fucking noise. I'll turn on my iPod every morning, sing along obnoxiously, especially in the kitchen. I will open and close every cabinet in the kitchen, the fridge and freezer, even the fucking pantry. I will open and close the microwave three or four times. I will open and close the bedroom door until I'm fucking sick to death of doing it. I will turn on the dishwasher, the ice maker, the washer and dryer, and I'll turn the fucking heater on for good measure just to spite him. I am so fucking sick of him going behind my back, never to my face. This is the same man who got mad at me for tripping as I was leaving my room and accidentally slamming the door in the middle of the fucking afternoon when he wasn't even sleeping. I'm tired of walking on eggshells just to have yet another complaint added to my list of grievances against Jerkface.

What about my list of grievances? What about my fucking needs? Don't I have a basic human right to be comfortable in my own fucking home? It's bad enough that my oldest friend from way before puberty was insulted and turned out of an apartment I pay one third of the rent for, but now I'm personally being attacked as well? This is the final straw! We've got twenty days left and I'm coming from a "No Holds Barred" system of reasoning. If he thought life sucked before I was royally pissed, he's going to really see how much fun sucking I can do in a single damn morning. 

Just watch and see if I don't.


  1. You go girl!!!

    I am VERY much looking forward to finding out how all of this goes over. Honestly, I say burn that bridge. I very highly doubt that you're planning to EVER go THAT way again.

    But seriously, you're moving out anyway, and if he's going to complain about you, you may as well give him a REALLY good reason to do it, right? Good luck. ;)

  2. I forgot Padawan would be home this morning...I only got to slam the bedroom door once before he popped up and asked me to keep it down. I can't antagonize Jerkface when Padawan is there. It just stresses him out. But, I'm off ALL DAY tomorrow, and Padawan works all day, so I'll have ten hours in which to make Jerkface miserable. I've already created an obnoxious, girl anthem playlist on my iPod for the occasion.


My Shelfari Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog