Sunday, December 19, 2010

Draco Malfoy (r maybe Harry Potter) shrank Jerkface's key in MY defense.

I will admit that I was a little sad at losing Jerkface as a roommate. *sigh* His stupidity made for such funny blogs. What will I do without his daily actions to use as fodder for writing? I do not know, but I feel like the loss is a small and rather insignificant one. I can always find things to blog about.

However, as a parting gift, Jerkface made one final act of jerkfacishness which I get to use in my last Jerkface blog ever.

In the two years that Padawan and I have been living with Jerkface, we have had to get used to not locking the door. The few times I forgot I wasn't allowed to lock the door Jerkface would call Padawan and bitch and complain until one of us got out of bed (because he always came home at one in the morning while we were sleeping) and let him in. 

Why did we have to let him in? 

Well, I have no idea since we gave him new keys on multiple occasions.

I can only assume that Harry Potter thought a good dose of Muggle Baiting would serve Jerkface right, so he cast a shrinking spell on his keys so that they kept disappearing and he gave them up for lost. If that's the case, Harry Potter, thank you. Or even was probably Draco Malfoy saying thanks for the years of support I gave him because I knew from book one that he was misunderstood and that he would prove himself. So thank you, darling Draco, for coming to my defense.

Anyway, for two years it has been permanently carved into our brains: never lock the door because Jerkface is too stupid to figure out how to keep track of his keys. And never in the entire two years of living together did Jerkface ever feel the need to lock the door. 

We moved out yesterday, and go most of our things, and this afternoon went back for some things in our garage and in the bedroom that we hadn't had the movers get. Padawan went to the garage, I headed upstairs to our apartment. I turned the knob, pushed, and discovered that Jerkface had, for the first time ever, remembered to lock the door. I wans't particularly bothered by this. It's pretty obvious that we've been moving, so it's more likely someone would try to steal from us because in the moving process things are hard to keep track of from the moment they enter the box until they are pulled out at the new place. I thought nothing of it as I knocked on the door. And knocked. And knocked. 

No answer.

Angry at that point because I was pretty sure I didn't even have my key on me anymore, I had to schlump my way down three flights of stairs and walk across the parking lot to our garage to tell Padawan that Jerkface had, for some unfathomable reason, locked us out. Padawan didn't have a key and had to go borrow one from the office, and I finally found mine at the bottom of my purse (a black hole of random things) next to my iPod Shuffle, which I haven't seen since the day I got my Nano right before Padawan returned. I let myself in, started collecting things...

And Jerkface came sauntering out of his bedroom, looking pleased with himself.

He had been home the entire time I'd been banging on the door because he locked us out knowing full well we wouldn't expect the door to be locked because he never locked it, EVER. He was in there and heard every single resounding bang, and he had no answered, had not called out a response, had just sat in his room and smugly gloated at his oh-so-fucking clever joke. 

Ha. Fucking. Ha.

The moral of this story is a nice one, though. During the final gathering process we accidentally picked up Jerkface's internet router, and when Padawan realized we had it he took it back upstairs to return. And somehow he dropped it on the pebbled stairs and it hit, bounced, and rolled down a few before finally stopping with this awesome scraping sound.

I have no idea if it will still work, but I hope like hell it's broken and he has to fork up another one hundred dollars to replace it. Not that a hundred dollars makes a difference to him, especially since he was recently made manager and he's making even more money now than he was before, but I still want him to have to pay a little something for what he did.

Reminded? He locked me out and then listened to me when I tried to have him let me in. And don't be fooled. His act of showing his face after the fact was only to smugly show me that it had been no mistake, that he'd intentionally done it, and he was rather proud. Asshat Surpeme, like I always knew, and a Jerkface on top of it all. 


  1. Why do such assholes exist? I'll never know. I mean, we all have our moments; bad days or sometimes misunderstandings or sometimes we're just plain in the wrong. But there are some people who make even the most simple interaction involving them a complete nightmare pain in the ass. And they do it on purpose, and gloat about it! Such people contribute nothing to the world as a whole, and they do nothing to even brighten the lives of the people around them. They just make everyone miserable because life is some kind of sick joke to them.

    So yeah, you can tell I know someone like that. I sympathize with your (thankfully former) problem.

  2. Good Grief!!! (Charlie Brown reference!)

    How did you EVER get stuck with that smug IDIOT as a roommate for two years? Oh well, at least you're free of his jerkiness now. Here's hoping you'll never have to interact with him again, and that his TV blows up in his face or something.

    Enjoy your new freedom! :)

  3. Nuclearheadache: I suppose assholes like Jerkface exist so that we appreciate normal people who don't go out of their way to make other people miserable more. Or maybe they really have no purpose, in which case we should breed them out. But it seems that EVERYONE knows at least one Jerkface. We just have to make the best of it, I guess.

    Candice:I totally got the Charlie Brown reference before I read the part where you said it was a Charlie Brown reference. Yay!

    Well, Jerkface was Padawan's second best friend, and they moved in together before Padawan and I started dating, back when Padawan still lived in his house on the family land. Jerkface rented a room from him. But living out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by cows was not the best choice for two city boys who lived and breathed all things downtown. So, despite the fact that all there was to pay at the house was bills, they decided to move into an apartment in actual Austin to be closer to everything. When I moved in with Padawan and Jerkface, they'd already had an apartment together for a few months. I had no real choice in the matter. He was already there. There was a time a year ago when we all got along fairly well (as well as I could get along with him, anyway. He'd made it very clear that he wanted nothing more than to get rid of me. I never let my guard down) and we were going to move into a house in Austin together, but that fell through and we stayed in the apartment together. Things got really bad right after my birthday this year, for some reason, probably because I insisted on having my dog. Either way, we are happy away from him.


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