Monday, May 23, 2011

It's, like, so awesome!

Asha, bless her heart, gave me an STD.

Get your minds out of the gutter, people. It's not a Sexually Transmitted Disease. Goodness, what kind of ladies do you think we are, anyway?

1. Make up ONE totally ridiculous story about yourself that is a complete rip-off from a movie. It can be as long or short as you want; clean or crass as you want.

2. Pass it on to whomever you feel is deserving of this STD – or accept it and keep it for yourself; it’s your blog – it’s your choice.

3. If you choose to accept this STD, please link your acceptance post back to the person who gave you your STD.

Well, far be it from me to break the rules....

So I was this totally fabulous, wealthy college grad who had everything: perfect grades, huge mansion, a Mercedes Benz, cute little Chihuahua, and a gorgeous (but kind of gay looking, if I'm being honest with myself here) boyfriend who also had everything. I totally thought he was going to propose, and went through all of this trouble with my two best gal pals (neither of whom are the sharpest tools in the shed) to find the perfect dress to wear when he popped the question. And he was totally going to pop the question. All the signs indicated that was where we were headed!

I was so excited when I was finally read and we went to this great restaurant...

Only to have him dump me like a cheap bastard in the middle of the restaurant where Madonna went into labor. And that jerk had the audacity to blame my tears on a bad salad. A salad! 

On top of that, his excuse was that I was too blonde to marry, and he needed someone serious! Someone less fun! Someone smarter!

You can imagine that I didn't just take that lying down. I decided, after like a week of moping and being depressed, that I was going to change myself to be what he needed: a law student. 

And I did. I aced the LSATs and enrolled in Harvard Law where I proceeded to make a lot of enemies because, let's face it, I was a lot prettier and more fun than most of those Ivy League girls, and anyway what's the point of going to law school if you're not going to have any fun while you're there?

I nearly left, though, when I found out that the super studly love of my life had not only moved on, but was engaged to this horrible preppy girl with a bad attitude who made me look pretty stupid on my first day because...well, obviously because she was jealous that she could never live up to the memory of moi! 

Then I remembered, oh yeah, I'm not some sad, pathetic woman to sit around waiting for a man! I'd steal the bastard back, after I was done teaching a roomful of absolute strangers how to do the bend and snap, of course. My manicurist really needed that lesson. (Nevermind that she blew it later...)

I met this really cool guy along the way to stealing back Stud, but I didn't really pay much attention to him in the beginning because I, like, was totally focused on doing well to get that stupid boyfriend back from the clutches of that bony, unpolished little East Coast Prepster!  He helped me out sometimes, and then before I knew it I was an intern on a major murder trial!

She totally didn't do it. You know, because exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people just don't shoot their husbands. They just don't! And she was my Delta Nu sister! I couldn't just leave her to rot in prison when it was, like, so obvious she didn't do it! I worked really hard to help her, and I even managed to make friends with Preppy Girl, who actually was pretty nice, it turns out. Who would have guessed?

I even got to go to a spa to interview a so-called character witness, but she was lying! And I totally knew she was lying because hello!!! Could you see the icky brown color of her hair? No honest woman had hair that dull!

I didn't take a word she said seriously.

But then things got, like, uber awful when my so-called trustworthy law professor/boss tried to seduce me in his office after hours! He only gave me the job because he wanted to fuck me! What a creep! 

Obviously, I couldn't stick around that office and keep working for a man who not only wanted to get in my pants, but he didn't even take me seriously as a student or a lawyer or even as a person! And yes, you bastard, for the record I DID wake up one morning and decided that I wanted to go to law school! SUCK IT!

But then Preppy Girl, Friend Boy, and Uber Nerd Student helped me conquer the evil sexist pig, and my idol fired him as her lawyer and hired me! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I may have been a little nervous, but then I solved the case and freed her and everybody was happy!

And in the middle of all of that trial bull, I realized that I didn't want my old boyfriend back because he was kind of a Jerkface, so when he had the nerve to ask me to take him back (and he didn't even ask! He was totally assuming I was going to say yes, the creep!) I told him he was, like, a total bonehead and I needed someone better.

That's where I got Padawan from: he was right there the whole time. Hmm...go figure.

In the end I wound up with everything that I started out with, plus a job offer, and a great Padawan, and the three of us and our little Chihuahua dog lived happily ever after.

Until I went to Washington...but that's another story.

So...that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!

I pass this award on to...

Hannah (if she ever comes back)

That is all. know it's never all with me, is it?
Of course not. I also got this lovely award...

From Bryan, who invented this award all by himself. And it is, to be perfectly honest, probably my favorite award ever. Or at the very least it's tied with the Overlord Award because I'm power hungry and that one was fun. 

Now, there are no rules for this award.

But I'm going to pass it on. But to honor the award I've got to do it right. Since I don't feel like hunting up all of my favorite entries from the bloggers I intend to share this award with, I'm just not going to pass it on today. You have to tune in on Wednesday, or possibly Friday, for that.

I just felt like making a brag that I got the award today. :P

By the guys should totally go check out the results of the Death Match...


  1. As soon as I read the title, I thought about Reese Witherspoon's Legally Blonde character. Great story!
    Congrats on being awesome!

  2. Thanks for the award! I wasn't sure what movie I was going to rip off, but then it hit me like a big, pink, brick wall and I thought, "YEAH!"

    So then I did it. It wasn't nearly as cool as yours, but it was fun.

  3. You did it wrong! That didn't follow White Fang at all. He was a wolf and dog mix, not a chihuahua.

  4. I can't lie. I was half expecting Star Wars but the one you chose definitely fits your background better.

  5. George, I could be wrong here, it HAS been several years since I read White Fang, but I'm pretty sure there was no murder trial in there...

    Asha, I'd be lying if I didn't say I considered Star Wars for a few minutes. But Choo Choo didn't fit into that story.

  6. Choo Choo could have been Chewy.

  7. Ah...didn't think about that...

  8. They made a book out of that movie?

  9. Yes. Yes, they did.

    Only they called it Good Will Hunting. And they added a sled race.

  10. I never read that one either.

  11. That's a shame. Kevin Spacey narrates. :D

  12. Wasn't there a part where they tricked you into showing up to a costume party in a Playboy Bunny outfit? That's the only part of that movie I remember for some reason.

  13. Yes, but I omitted that part because it was mean spirited.

    That was one of the more memorable moments in that movie...I my life.

  14. OMG!!! A totally fabulous new award! Like, SO awesome!

    Seriously though, thanks. I'll try to make you proud.

    Also, I LOVE the Legally Blonde reference. Tyler and I actually went and saw the Broadway musical for that when it came to SLC. It was a lot of fun, and had some good music in it. That movie makes me laugh, without fail. And it's no WONDER I like it so much, it's about YOU!!! Yay! :)

  15. I would love to see a Legally Blonde Musical! I'm so jealous right now! I'd stamp my little foot...but there's a silver fish that might have escaped the insect killer so I'm afraid to actually put my feet down.

  16. This was so cute! LOVED your Legally Blonde reference!

    Awesome awards!! Huge congratulations!! What a great way to start the week!

  17. Thank you!

    It is a nice way to start the week. Awards and a story with a Chihuahua!

  18. You're a lawyer? I didn't know that.

  19. Wait.. there was a Playboy bunny outfit and I missed it!?! Aw, snap! But I'm having trouble coming to grips with the idea of you as a blond.

  20. Doug, yes. I only pretend to be a musician because it turns out nobody likes lawyers...even happy blonde ones.

    Darev, yes there was a playboy bunny outfit in the movie. A pink one. It's so interesting that you're having trouble with the idea of me as a blonde since that's what I was for twenty two years of my life. Everybody else is having a hard time coming to terms with me as a brunette! It's so funny how that works.

  21. The first time I looked at your picture it made me think of Daisy Wick. Carla Gallo. So I thought back on where I could see her as a blond and thought of her character in HBO's Carnivale. That did it. Woof! Now I need a cold shower or something.

  22. Aw, I like Daisy! She's so funny. I didn't know she was ever a blonde.


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