Things I Learned in My First Apartment: Part 1

I graduated from high school and went off to college at the ripe old age of seventeen. When collage didn't work out, mostly due to monetary reasons, I packed my things and returned to my blue sky and white clouds bedroom in with my grandparents in Lago while I tried to figure out what I was going to do.

I spent four months moping around in misery while my older sister squandered her opportunities for school and my younger sisters enjoyed the freedoms of youth that no longer applied to me. And then I got sick and tired of being yelled at for things like eating chips in the living room or playing on my computer in my room all night or going out until four in the morning with my friends...So I went and applied for a job at Wal-Mart and within two hours got a call back for an interview in Electronics.

A few months later, employed and sick of still being nagged, I decided to move out of the house and into an apartment in REAL Austin with my best friend of eight years, J-Lynn. I happily thrust myself into the world of rent and bills and adult responsibilities, and I did well. I borrowed twenty dollars from my grandparents ONCE to feed me after my deposit and first month's rent, and I paid it back and never asked for money again.

There were lots of things that J-Lynn and I learned in our first apartment, and I thought I could share some of those with you guys.

Ahem.

No matter what My Big Fat Greek Wedding says, you should NOT put Windex on a scrape. It's a movie, and movies lie.

Pine Sol is even worse. It will take your already ugly boo boo and turn it into a swollen, neon green monstrosity that smells bad and hurts worse. 

Sucking wasps into a vacuum cleaner is brilliant and effective. However, the nests do not suck in as easily. Torching those with hairspray and a lighter is the far better solution after you suck up the adults.

Lighting phone books on fire takes a little effort, but is worth it. The colors are pretty.

Leaving a white shirt in a sink full of bleach overnight is a really fucking stupid idea if you actually like the shirt you're trying to get the stain out of. It will fall to pieces when you try to pull it out.

Tying a cat toy to a string and then attaching it to a ceiling fan will always seem like a good idea in theory...in practice it is very funny, but wrong and unfair to the cats.

It is especially wrong if your roommate has a male cat that hasn't got two brain cells to rub together. He will  actually jump up and attach himself to the cat the toy before being swung around a couple of times by the fan. This is amusing on YouTube, but in your own living room you will feel bad.

Giving a cat a shower and trying to keep him in there long enough to get clean by holding the plastic shower curtain closed on both ends will fail. Every. Single. Time. It's just a bad idea.

It is even worse if you and your (unfortunate) roommate (that would be ME in this scenario) are barefoot and wearing pajama shorts.

Making your apartment an "official no pants zone after one a.m." is only good on nights it is just the two of you. Guy friends will always try to comply.

Letting your friend boil his pipe in your kitchen is not a good idea. The entire apartment will reek of weed for hours, no matter how much air freshener you spray.

Scooping the lumps of feces out of the kitty litter and flushing it down the toilet is bad. It will clog the toilet. Doing this repeatedly and then asking your roommate, "Nae, why does the toilet keep clogging up?" is stupid and annoying. Just leave it at "it's a bad idea" and move on.

So was trying to give the cat a bath in the toilet. Oops. Promised her I wouldn't talk about that one.

Shaving the tip of your cat's tail  is a bad idea. Even if you accidentally dropped the electric groomer and it cut off fur at the tip in a way that looked silly, evening it out will NEVER be a good idea. It will not look better with the whole tip shaved. The tip will closely resemble the tip of a penis and you will not be able to hold her without laughing until it grows back. She will not forgive you, even though you were actually doing her a favor. 

There are several things I learned and this will make for several posts.

But I also have some videos from that time in the apartment. Short, tiny little clips of myself being very amusing. And I will share them with you next time...as long as you all solemnly swear not to judge my eighteen year old self, and also to not take these videos and post them other places on the internet. These videos are NOT on YouTube, and they will NEVER go there. Agreed?

Also, Candice of Thoughts By Candice has seen fit to offer me the Overlord Award again.

So have three more things that I will change.

1. Kolaches will expand to be served in every single city in every single state in the United States. It's a secret that should not be a best kept secret. It should be shared and loved and adored by all! They are delicious, lovely little bits of heaven that bring joy to millions of people!

2. I firmly believe that idiots should not reproduce. If you want to have children, you must be tested. You will not be able to have children if you fail to meet my standards. I do not mean people who just aren't as intelligent as other people. There's a specific type of idiot I am referring to: you may not reproduce if you are ignorant and offensive, xenophobic, racist, prejudice, sexist, homophobic, or generally unable or unwilling to accept people who are different from you. Anyone fitting this description will be reeducated, and if they refuse to learn to be accepting of others they will be "fixed" (yes, like a dog) and then Candice can send them to an Island far, far away where they will all die out eventually. Teaching your children that it takes all sorts to make the world go round is a much better way to look at the world than teaching them to hate people they don't even know. Ignorance breeds ignorance.

3. "Organic" will no longer be ridiculously expensive. I refuse to pay more for something that has been processed less and is supposed to be better for me. Things that are not organic will be more expensive, and fresh things will be cheaper. And no more of this washing lettuce in chlorine. That's just freaking nasty.

4. By the way, health care if free. If you're sick, go to the doctor.