Friday, October 14, 2011

They should give me a raise for not dropping an F-bomb when I found them.

You guys want to know what I do at work all day?

I spend my days looking for my shoes.

Why were my shoes glued to the ceiling?

Because I broke them on my way to work and left them on Dizzy's workbench for repair, and he didn't like the way I filled out my repair tag. So he glued my shoes to the ceiling. Took me ten minutes to find the stupid things, and another fifteen to figure out how to get them down.

They don't pay me enough for this.

Now you guys can understand my lack of writing lately. How can one write without shoes on one's feet?

The worst thing you can hear right before the roller coaster drops you.

Wouldn't you know it?

As soon as I started feeling better, my computer started acting poorly. I think it's just getting old. It's been a good computer for four years now. I think it's bound to start acting out a lot. That's what computers do.

In other news, I nearly had a heart attack yesterday, and it was Master Plo Koon that tried to kill me by frightening me to death. But that's a story that needs some explaining.

For months now, Mother has been planning to take Padawan, Clueless, Master Plo Koon, and myself on an excursion to the State Fair. Apparently the State Fair is like the most awesome thing ever and everybody needs to go at least once. I've heard lots of things about the food (deep fried food heaven is what I was told) and so I was really looking forward to going. So Mother scheduled the day for a Wednesday where Padawan, Clueless, and I were all off of work. Master Plo Koon, it was decided, could skip a day of school. (And with public educational standards being flushed down the toilet as I write this, I heartily believe he learned more in a day at the State Fair with me than he ever has in classroom.)

Well, things started off badly. First, Padawan and I overslept. She wanted us to be at her house as seven in the morning, and we didn't wake up until six thirty. Well, even doing nothing it takes me an hour to get ready in the morning, so we didn't leave until seven thirty. While I was showering Padawan checked the weather report.


Severe thunderstorms were going to be hanging over Dallas all day. State Fairs, at least in Texas, are primarily held out of doors. We tried to talk Mother into doing something else. We explained that walking around in the rain all day was not going to make for a fun family outing, but as mothers often are, she was completely set on her original plans.

When we finally got there at eight, Clueless had gone back to bed, declaring she just "couldn't leave Sausage alone for fourteen hours."

Bull. Shit.

She never bothers with that dog unless it's convenient for her. Did I mention that not only has she stopped buying him diet food, but she's feeding him the most unhealthy canned food she can find? He's gained another five pounds. Even though he's a small dog, he's officially too heavy to be allowed in our apartment. Our weight limit is forty pounds.

Well, we had planned on leaving Choo Choo there all day anyway, so she and Sausage could play together. We were expecting maintenance at our apartment to see to the ceiling fan, and I didn't want to leave her locked up in her kennel all day. So Mother decided Clueless could walk Choo Choo with Sausage that afternoon since she had opted to stay home anyway.

She took the time to leave a note explaining that Choo Choo must be walked on a leash (she runs off to find me if she's not kept on one when I'm not around) and that we'd see her later.

We drove through three hours of clouds and rain and foul weather, and we were dressed to handle foul weather, only to arrive in Dallas with a bright blue sky, a hot sun, and not a cloud in sight. Apparently it was going to be raining AROUND Dallas, but the city was completely happy.

Except we were all dressed for foul weather, not sunny weather. It was miserably hot in a long sleeved two layered shirt and blue jeans. 

But despite that I had fun. You know, ate a lot of deep fried food (deep fried cheese cake is freaking AWESOME. So is a deep fried biscuit and gravy. And deep fried frito pie. And buffalo chicken. Deep fried bubblegum, however, is so disgusting to watch someone else eat that I couldn't stomach the idea of sampling it myself.) and walked around a lot.

Then it came time to ride a roller coaster, and I agreed to ride with Master Plo Koon because I have a strong stomach and everybody else was too stuff on fried food to want to risk it.

We got seated, and took off up the incline right before the first drop.

That was when he struck.

Right before they released us down the first and biggest drop, Master Plo Koon turned to me, his face white and eyes round and looking utterly horrifed, and said, "Chanel, my bar didn't lock!"

Instant horror.

We were at the top. There was literally nothing we could do. I could hear the gears moving to release us. No one could stop the ride on time. There was no one to scream to, absolutely nothing to do except go through the ride.

"Hold on as tight as you can, use your legs to push yourself into the seat as hard as you can. I'll hold the bar."

Using one hand to support myself so I would't be jerked around, I used my other arm to hold his bar down, and I leaned on it with every ounce of strength I could muster. Each turn, dive, and twist scared me as I imagined all of the horrible ways his ten year old body would look flying through the air.

It was the longest thirty seconds of my whole entire life.

When the ride ended and was winding slowly to the dock, I lifted the locking bar to see how the operator had missed it.

It lifted three inches, then jerked to a stop.

Being so small, the tightest setting was still loose on Master Plo Koon, and when he tested it he felt it move instead of lock, and so he thought it was broken.


Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever be riding a roller coaster with him again. I have enough anxiety about them on my own. 

And by the way, it was clear when we got back that Clueless had not bothered taking Choo Choo outside as she had an accident somewhere around mid afternoon, and another one right as we pulled up because she was excited. If she had been taken outside with Sausage it wouldn't have happened. 

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