Tuesday, February 24, 2015


My sister had her baby.

God help us all, he burps just as loud as she does, and he's only two weeks old. Shrek aspires to his potential.

Being with my sister in the hospital was...probably the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life, to be perfectly honest. Before she received her epidural, she was like the girl in the freaking Exorcist. No joke, she was nuts and absolutely terrifying and, given the choice between being there and having a tooth pulled at the dentist, I think I'll take the dentist.

I have held the baby, but only when he is wearing mittens. (I once held a baby as a child that stuck his finger up my nose and scratched me so bad that I bled. Quite a lot, actually. The blood ruined my nightgown and my Beanie Baby horse and I was screaming so loud my mother heard it all the way at the pool with her friends and came back to investigate.) I have only recently learned, however, that babies have mittens, not to protect the people holding them, to protect the babies from scratching themselves. 

I have established a set of rules, of course, to keep people from becoming confused.

I do not burp the baby.
I do not check the baby's diaper.
I certainly will never change the baby's diaper.
I will not hold a crying baby.
I will not change the clothes on the baby.
I will not hold the baby if he is gassy.
I WILL sing "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" to him if he is fussy, but not if he is already screaming. (Works like a charm, by the way. Calms him right down if I sing it before he hits his stride.)

Penny has her own rules for the baby.

Penny must kiss the baby every time he moves.
Penny must investigate anyone who wishes to approach the baby.
Penny must investigate whoever is holding the baby when he cries.
Penny must sit beside the baby at all times.

Choo Choo....

Well, she only has one rule, and it encompasses everything.

Choo Choo owns the baby.

And then there is Ripley, who has no rules for the baby because Ripley gets too excited around the baby and jumps around and tries to lick him on the face and scares people with his puppy exuberance because, let's not forget, Ripley just turned two years old. So Ripley isn't allowed around the baby until the baby is not so small and breakable. Or he learns how to be around children. (And let's face it: he's not going to get the opportunity to learn how to interact with children from Matthew and me.)

I also suspect that motherhood makes women lose their minds.

I was holding him today, and I thought something felt wet, so I said I thought he needed to be changed. My sister sniffed his butt. 

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Dogs sniff each each other's butts. It's disgusting to see people do that. Especially to determine if a diaper needs to be changed or not. It's also crazy, and not something I will ever do, thank you very much.

Of course, motherhood is crazy, and not something I will ever do, thank you very much.

But I would like another dog. Or a goat.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Sometimes there aren't enough words.

I know it's my own fault, really. I disappeared, dropped off the face of the planet, ran off to do busy, important management things that consumed all of my time and energy and didn't teach me a single damned useful thing. It makes sense that the rest of you moved on with your lives, left the blogosphere behind as you became entrenched in your own lives. It is extremely selfish that I came back so suddenly after...what, a year?...to find that most of you had gone. 

I was part of a blogging circle that was a very good part of me, and the loss of that circle is very hard for me. Yes, I took it for granted that you would all still be here, and that was sill of me. It's my fault, I know that. I own up to my mistake.

But I sure wish you guys would come back.

A couple of you stayed. I'll just go ahead and pretend that you did because you love me and knew I'd be back some day. I'm a little narcissistic these days, so let me go on believing it, Candice. I just wish I could talk to all of you because when I make my big announcement...

Well, let's just say it would have shocked some of you.

And don't go thinking I'm pregnant. 

I am not having children. 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I am going back to school.

Hello, all!

I wonder how many of  you are still on here?

I have about two years' worth of blogs to catch up on. I have become lazy! So lazy!

Actually, not lazy. Just busy beyond all reasonable belief.

The big news of the day is: I am going back to school. Like this semester. As in, just a couple of days away at this point. For what? Why, to get a degree in....English!

Why English?

Well, why not English?

All jokes aside, I love English. I love reading and writing, and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if I could spend the rest of my life reading and get paid for it? I wish there was a job like that."

And then...


It hit me like a Krispy Kreme truck full of Original Glaze Donuts. (Doughnuts?)

Editors get paid to read all day. In fact, they get paid to correct people and tell them what they are doing wrong!

Now, if ever there was a job for me, it's one in which I get to do a lot of reading and constructive criticizing!

The thing is, I've been doing this for years for free. I have friends who have me edit their papers, even Padawan and my older sister have used my help (and received A grade papers for my trouble). I even recently edited the scripting for a comic book a friend is creating. I mean, I could probably advertise my skills on Facebook just to edit papers, websites, and other things and make some extra money. People are incredibly lazy, and if I charged something like five dollars a paper, I think I'd do OK.

And since we now have a house of very own, I have an office where I would have plenty of space, peace, and quiet to work!

Oh, did I forget that part?

Padawan and I bought a house. With a big back yard and a huge oak tree in the front  yard and not an ugly patch of carpet in sight!

We also got...Ripley. Who is Ripley?

THAT is Ripley. We rescued him from Austin Boxer Rescue on August 31st. Actually, we signed all of the paperwork and paid everything and fell in love with him on August 30th, but we picked him up from his foster home on the 31st. He was my 26th birthday present from Padawan. 

He had Cherry Eye, which is why  his eye was red in this picture. It has been removed (courtesy of ABR) and his eyes are big and brown and pain free now. 

I also cut off all of my hair, as you might have noticed in this picture.

So that's a lot of news. In the last year I have: cut and changed my hair, bought a house, decided to go back to school, started studying for my driver's license, bought a house, rescued a dog....and...

Well, the last piece of news is not news yet. But it's also big and exciting. I just can't talk about it yet.

So, this is all for now, but I SINCERELY hope that I will be able to keep this blog up once again.

My Shelfari Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog