The Return of the Kane

Kane has returned.

He moved my pink sapphire necklace that Padawan bought for me for Christmas in '09.

He was doing something in the corner behind my desk the other morning because Choo Choo was standing there watching the corner, growling at nothing, and barked a couple of times. I can only assume that she was barking at his invisible, obnoxious self.

Our forks are disappearing. I can't for the life of me fathom any other explanation for the fact that we had twelve dinner forks and four salad forks when we first moved into the apartment, and now we have four forks total. Where did they go? And while we're talking about silverware...we had twelve teaspoons and four tablespoons. Now we have six teaspoons and three tablespoons. How did that happen?

I've searched the car and the entire apartment to no avail. They are just GONE. How does that happen? 

I have no idea. But I'm also missing a blue shirt and a black shirt that I wear frequently but can't find anywhere, and the only place they can be is our apartment because it's not like I take my clothes off anywhere else. But I can't find them. 

Then there was this morning in which Padawan INSISTED his phone was NOT on the nightstand (this was at six o'clock, when he was supposed to be arriving at work, not just waking up) and I needed to call it. Well, I called it and it was on the nightstand. So either he was too lazy to feel around for it, or it just magically appeared. But why didn't the alarms go off? We checked. They were set. They just didn't activate for some reason. 

Kane.

Kane. 

Kane.

Kane.

KANE!!!!!!!!!

I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I can feel it. Things moving to places I can't possibly reach. Phone alarms not going off. Strange noises in the night that make no sense. Wednesday I was in the living room watching a movie and I heard a loud crash from the kitchen. Choo Choo was on my lap. When I examined the kitchen there was nothing out of place. No mess on the floors, the cabinets were all neatly organized. What had been the noise?

I didn't IMAGINE it.

Choo Choo jumped, too.

AND MY HEADPHONES ARE MISSING!

This is the most important evidence in the entire chain of events. I use my headphones EVERY SINGLE DAY. I NEVER disconnect them from my iPod. And somehow, my iPod is in my bag, but my headphones are missing. The only time this has ever happened before was when Padawan borrowed them because he couldn't find his. But Padawan swears up and down he didn't borrow my headphones this time. He swears this time it wasn't him.

But where did they go? I used them when I walked to work Tuesday. They were in there on Wednesday night because I wrapped them neatly around my iPod and put them in their designated pocket in my bag. But when I went to put my headphones on yesterday morning to walk to work my iPod was there, but the headphones were not.

There are two explanations: Padawan borrowed them and lost them and doesn't want to fess up, or Kane hid them from me.

I checked the dryer. Not there.

I checked the couch cushions. Not there.

I checked the round chair. Not a sign of them.

I checked work.

Every single purse I've used in the last month.

My jeans pockets, even though I don't USE the pockets on my jeans because they're USELESS and can't hold anything.

THEY ARE GONE. 

LOST.

STOLEN.

DISAPPEARED.

Whatever you want to call it, they aren't anywhere I can find them. I can't even say that they're on the same planet as I am. For all I know Kane took them to Outer Space and left them floating by the moon, or planted them on Mars for the Rover to find someday. 

And where are my Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon earrings? And my Apple Record's Beatles earrings? And my John Lennon/George Harrison earrings? WHERE ARE ALL OF MY AWESOME EARRINGS???? How did they disappear from my jewelry box? I haven't worn them. But they are not there.

I suspect that either Clueless has borrowed my jewelry without asking when she's come around, or Kane is actually a woman and is taking my things because SHE wants to feel pretty.

This is why I can't have nice things.