Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm addicted but I'm trying to go cold turkey.

I have a substance abuse problem. I am totally and completely addicted to...Dr. Pepper. I know that drinking a lot of soda is bad for you because of the carbonation and the sugar and everything, but I really can't help myself.

I drink at least one Dr. Pepper a day.

I've tried to cut down. I've tried to give it up entirely. But I can't seem to kick the habit.

I used to drink water all of the time. Growing up with my grandparents, they rarely bought soda of any kind, but when they did they either bought Coke or the off brand of Dr. Pepper (which I hated and wouldn't touch), neither of which made it to the top of my "I really must drink it" list. So mostly I drank bottled water. We're talking six or seven bottle of Disani a day, sometimes with a lemon slice, but mostly just the plain water.

Then my senior year came, and with it came a boyfriend who loved Dr. Pepper as much as I did. And his parents ALWAYS kept it in stock at his house, which is where we and our friends spent most of our time. High School Boyfriend had the entire lower half of the house to himself. It had it's own entrance, he had a fridge and freezer and microwave and the computer and a TV and couch and his bedroom, and the rest of the family and the kitchen and the other TV was upstairs. So he pretty much had his own place. We all came and went as we wanted, and that was fine. Except that I had this unlimited access to this unlimited supply of Dr. Pepper.

Seriously, if they were down to one case his mom went out and bought three more. There was ALWAYS Dr. Pepper in that house. And we drank it A LOT.

At school, I still downed three or four bottles of water. I mean, you couldn't actually carry soda with you to class and drink it. You could have it, but it had to stay closed. It was against the rules (except for when I was a student aide for my Physics teacher. She let me drink soda because it was her off period and there were no other students or teachers around to see) and there was also something about it might spill on a school computer and ruin it. Although spilling water would be just as bad as spilling a soda for a computer. Liquid in general is bad for computers.

If that wasn't bad enough, when I went off to college I had to live on campus. Guess what? At college, you have UNLIMITED REFILLS for soda at any of the dining halls. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Buy one soda, fill it up for free the rest of the day. And you could have soda in class because the Professors didn't give a flying fuck what you did as long as you showed up for lectures and tests. And even then, most of them actually didn't care if you showed up to the lectures as long as you passed the tests. Some even supplied donuts.

That was it for my water habit. I downed about ten cups of Dr. Pepper a day, and these were the sixteen ounce cups they kept in the dining halls. That's a lot of Dr. Pepper. And yet I came home ten pounds lighter. Probably because I forgot to eat most of the time. I was underweight to begin with when I first went to TSU, and my family had a TFO when I came home with my pelvic bones and my ribs sticking out so far they looked like they would break through my skin.

Admittedly, I did get really sick right before I came home and on top of that Tyler had died so I was sad and between the wasting sickness and the depression of loss and forgetting to eat when I was too tired or too paranoid to eat alone, it's no surprise I came home weighing 96 pounds. It wasn't intentional or anything. And after three months of being home again I gained all of it back, and now four years later I've gained ten more pounds. The doctor is still pushing for another five, but I'm good like this.

Okay, I want to go back to 106. I thought I was fat all through high school. Now I'm even more fat, although still underweight, which means that I'm not fat, just crazy. And I wish I had the self control to just say no to bad foods but I can't so I've decided to start exercising because Boyfriend promised to teach me how to ride a bike and so I will.

And I'm giving up Dr. Pepper.

I've got signs stuck up all over the place.

At work. On my hands. On my computer. On the fridge door. On the bedroom door. On the bathroom mirror. Everywhere. "Say NO to soda. Drink H2O!!!!! And occasionally tea."

Now, I'm not dumb enough to think I won't slip up.

But I'm shooting for a month.

A month of no soda.

Can I do?

I think so.

I have more doubts about being able to ride a bike than I do about my ability to stay off the Dr. Pepper. I mean, I went months without Dr. Pepper for years, so I can go back, right?

I had a farewell Dr. Pepper yesterday.

I can totally do this. I can.

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