Saturday, August 21, 2010

Stay away, Demon Spawn.

I think something went wrong in my brain during its early development. You know, sometime between when my egg was fertilized and the time I was born.

I have no maternal instincts.

Absolutely none.

I don't even think children are adorable in a "I never want them but they still make me laugh" kind of way. I. Do. Not. Like. Them.

Zero tolerance.

When most people look at babies, this is what they see. It's all innocent looking, and it's none threatening, and they think maybe they'd like to hold it. There are generally lots of oohs and ahs and cooing noises. People just lose their minds over these big eyed, drooling, pooping noise machines. I don't see any appeal here at all. It's even got all of that gross baby fat that hangs around in rolls. I had that as a baby, too. Which is why I don't look at my baby pictures. I don't find it adorable or endearing.

And if the reaction to cute adorable (to other people) babies isn't bad enough, there's the reaction that people have to the other kind of baby...the kind of baby that I despise more than the normal kind of baby. The kind of baby that sends even total strangers to do their bidding.

The squalling baby. There is some sort of magical appeal for people when there is a loud, screaming baby in the room. People want to hold it, to pet it, to give it whatever it wants so that it is happy and adorable again. They coo and aw over this damned obnoxious noise maker so much that I think they should all be committed. Why? Because it's a noisy thing that has no purpose outside of screaming, eating, and pooping. There is no appeal there.

Do you want to know what I see when I look at a baby? It's not a cute, adorable little angel waiting for love and affection. No. What I see is this little monstrosity. Behold the Evil Demon Offspring.
No, it is not cute. No, I do not want to hold it. I don't even want to look at it, so awful and horrifying is the sight. When I look at a baby, I see a little monster just waiting for its chance to destroy me and everything else in sight. My instinct is to get as far away from it as I can as fast as humanly possible. I see only death and destruction and misery when I look at a so-called adorable little baby. Demon Spawn would be a better name.

People seem to believe that my general lack of love for children (especially babies) makes me a bad person. I really don't think so. I don't go around antagonizing children or killing them or stealing from them. I just don't want the damn things near me, and since I avoid places that children flock to, I think that it's fair that people don't subject me to their spawn.

Like my cousin Alesha who recently had a baby. Knowing I hate children, that I don't like babies, that I don't even know what to do with them, she greeted me by sticking her two week old daughter into my arms.

And what did the little demon do?

Started squalling immediately.

I held it out from my body, turned my face away, and demanded that somebody remove the thing from my care. My whole family thought it was funny. So did Boyfriend, who eventually took the monster and cooed over it adoringly for half an hour.

Boyfriend likes children, the poor guy. He's a sucker just like the rest of humanity that adores children. I tried to like children. I really did. My high school boyfriend had two younger brothers. They were smart and well behaved children. I didn't mind them. I became quite fond of the older one, Tyler. It broke my heart when he died. I held his newborn niece a few times. But I couldn't stand it when she cried.

Boyfriend has a little brother. He's nine tomorrow. And sometimes I don't mind having him around. And sometimes he's annoying and obnoxious and evil like all children and I want nothing more than to spank him and stick him in a corner until it's time for him to go. He's well behaved for a child, unless you tell him no. What he does is more annoying than a tantrum. I can ignore a tantrum. His brother whines and whines and whines until his brother stupidly gives him what he wants. I just want to smack him upside the head until he learns that no means NO.

And when he has homework, if you check his answers and tell him one is wrong, he throws a fit if you try to make him redo it. But Boyfriend sticks him in the corner for that, which is where I prefer him anyway. Boyfriend finds it incredibly amusing that I dislike children so much. It's one of my more endearing personality quirks, according to him. He loves how I freak out when children touch me or my things with their germ infested hands.

I think he's a little crazy, but that's okay because I'm a little crazy, too.

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