Sunday, November 6, 2011

Jerkface has been eclipsed.

I think Kane has decided he's been quiet for far too long. He's up to his usual tricks again.

Starting with the return of my totally awesome Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon earrings that have been missing for almost a year now. And you'll never guess where I found them.

No, they weren't in the dryer.

I found them, of all places, in Padawan's bedside table, buried under swim trunks he hasn't worn in two years. How my earrings got there, I have no idea. That's on his side of the bed, and I don't use it. The only explanation is Kane.

And coincidentally, the day after recovering my favorite earrings, my headphones went missing.

I don't know if I can blame Kane for that one, however, since Padawan did borrow mine because he lost his. And then I found Padawan's, in my dresser this time, and mine were gone. It could be Kane trying to annoy Padawan, who refuses to acknowledge his existence. But then why keep my headphones? I've never pretended that we don't have an obnoxious ghost with a fabulous earring and shirt addiction, and possibly an interest in music since he takes headphones as well.

I've informed Padawan he owes me new headphones. He still hasn't coughed 'em up, which means I listen to my iPod play through its speaker. It doesn't sound nearly as good through one muffled speaker as it does through my totally awesome headphones. Which were pink, just so you know.

But I think Kane isn't satisfied with just us.

Today I sat down at my desk and noticed an unusual addition to my decor. A stone. A shiny black stone that I've never seen before, sitting on my desk.

I picked it up and realized it wasn't a stone. It was some kind of high powered magnet. It did not want to let go of the metal bars that support my super awesome glass desktop.

Padawan has never seen it.

I have never seen it.

So where did it come from?

The mean part of me hopes that Kane robbed the stupid, rude, tacky people who live below us (who have surpassed even my hatred of Jerkface, and you know how much I hate him) and that it was somehow very important to them and that their lives are falling apart without the stupid thing.

The kinder part of me hopes that Kane robbed the stupid, rude, tacky people who live below us and that it only has some strong sentimental value for them and they are dreadfully depressed that it is gone.

Personally, I really hope it's the former.

One fine, windy day our not so beloved neighbor's bike was found knocked over. Padawan assumed the wind pushed it over. And it might have. You know, it was a very, very windy day. Very powerful. Could have been the wind.

Could have been Kane.

Could have been some small, fed up, green eyed, brown haired young woman who was out walking her chihuahua and happened to see his bike parked next to her's, incorrectly yet again. She could have accidentally walked too close to it and bumped it with her hip, knocking it over. Goodness knows it wouldn't have happened if he had the common decency to chain his bike up correctly. And somewhere not near her bike. Really, her bike is much too pretty and respectful to be mingling with his common Wal-Mart bargain brand contraption.

But it was probably Kane.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. 

Did I mention those people are tacky?

I mean, let's not mince words here. They leave their trash sitting outside of their door right when they leave in the morning, when our Office has clearly dictated that trash can only be put outside at six PM and no sooner. Also, it has to stay in the trash can. You can't just toss a trash bag outside your door filled with foul smelling things. And it has to be back inside (the trash can) by seven in the morning. 

But that's not the worst part.

The worst part isn't even their dogs, which has gotten worse. Lately they've taken to letting them bark for hours on end.

I have to tell you this. What makes them the absolute tackiest people I've ever seen is that the other day, when I happened to be out on my balcony minding my own business and not plotting the demise of their tacky snowman Christmas decoration (it's not even Thanksgiving yet!) I happened to see the dog that lives in the yard next to their's start barking at them as they were putting up Christmas lights in their bushes. (It's November!

And they had the nerve to turn around and tell the owner of the dog to, "Shut that dog up or take him inside. Don't you understand you have neighbors?"

Couldn't help myself. 

I started laughing. His audacity astounded me.

And the owner of the dog also saw the irony, because he immediately pointed out it was a bit rich for tacky man to tell him off for his dog barking for a matter of seconds in the middle of the afternoon when their dogs were barking for two hours straight just that very morning. 

Fortunately they were too busy screaming at one another to notice my laughter. But really, the situation was just too ridiculous.

And Padawan actually called in a complaint about the barking when he was trying to watch a movie and couldn't hear a damn thing because from nine thirty until eleven forty five at night those dogs barked unchecked. 

Those people are either the biggest idiots in the entire world, or they are the most selfish people in existence.

You vote. 

That being said...I think I need to go to bed. The clock says ten o'clock, but my body says it feels like eleven. And I still have to take the Choo Choo out for walkies.

And by the way, she was the cutest little pumpkin for Halloween, and she adored going trick or treating with Master Plo Koon. 

Who, by the way, was an Angry Bird for Halloween this year. It was absolutely awesome.

That is all.


  1. Ah Kane. Is it weird that I've kind of missed his hijinks? However, I do hope that he'll stop messing with you so much and start haunting the ever-loving CRAP out of those jerk-wad neighbors of yours. I mean seriously, what is wrong with some people?

    I'm also hoping that enough complaints will be filed against these people to get them in serious trouble and maybe even kicked out of their apartment? Maybe?

    Just for the record, they're both the biggest idiots AND the most selfish people in the world.

  2. I notice there's only a subtle distinction between your "mean part" and your "kinder part" It's like:

    "The mean part of me hopes he chokes to death on a chicken bone and the jagged edge of it tears open his throat and sprays blood all over the kitchen as he's dying, and then his wife won't be able to get the security deposit back because of the blood stains."


    "The kinder part of me hopes he chokes to death on a chicken bone and the jagged edge of it tears open his throat and sprays blood all over the kitchen as he's dying, and then his wife only loses half of the security deposit because of the blood stains."

  3. Nice to see you back. (smile)

    I did soooo hate living in an apartment. I have vowed never to do it again. I have grown so intolerant of stupidity that I imagine my neighbors would end up hating me almost immediately.

    The older I get the more I wish for distance between myself and other people.

  4. I couldn't handle living next to neighbors like that. Didn't you make a complaint already about the barking? What happened? Why are they still allowed to live and breathe? Then again, I prefer children to animals, so what do I know?

    In other news, I get the feeling that Padawan is messing with you. He hides things. You claim it's a ghost. Fun for the whole family.

  5. Can't they be both the biggest idiots and the most selfish? It doesn't sound like these people will restrict themselves to just one classification.

  6. Oh my God. I am so, so glad I don't live near other people any more. Sic Kane on them.

  7. Tacky neighbors are the worst. I think Kane definitely knocked that bike over and I imagine he'll do a few other things before he's satisfied too. Not that I blame him, totally justified. Post a pic of your pumpkin Choo-choo if you have one, I like cute pictures of puppies.

  8. No one else has asked, so I will do my diligence. Did you pull back on Master Plo Koon and launch him towards the doors? Conversely, which one was he, because the blue bird splits into three and he would have to have two other people of equal size *pop* out from him.


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