Thursday, August 11, 2011

Don't send out the search parties!

I am alive!

I swear I am. I am not a zombie typing this. I am a living, breathing, thinking human being.

It's just the busiest time of year for us flutists in the music industry. Customers all day, back to back. Fighting for my right to take lunch. Trying to avoid the new efficiency expert. (By the way, bitch, I don't appreciate you telling me that I can't wear shorts to work. Not that I ever do, except that one time two Decembers ago, but the greatest thing about my job was being able to wear whatever I wanted. And no skirts above the knee? Jesus, woman, this is Texas!)

And if I have one more kid get up in my face and scream stupid questions at me while I'm on the phone! (On the phone! Seriously!)

It's self defense when you scream back, right? It's not revenge! It's self-preservation!

And defending myself from the actions of coworkers! Seriously! I nearly went down for something Raver did, and if I hadn't been such a fast thinker I would be the one in hot water right now...

Oh...I may have accidentally cost the store fourteen hundred dollars, but it was Manager Man's mistake since I went to him and followed his exact instructions...

I swear. I will give you all of the details from this. 

Just later. You know, when I've recovered from my near drowning yesterday.

Oh yes. Someone very nearly drowned me. I'm waiting to see if I come down with pneumonia because I'm certain I didn't get all of the water out of my lungs. I almost feel bad for spitting in a public swimming area. But, you know, I had to get the water out.

You'll get the story on that, too. Because after that little incident I'm certainly done forever with pools of all kinds, current and wave alike, and I'm sticking to a chair under an umbrella from now on. And no more water parks for me, thank you very much. Before it was a simple matter of fearing sharks. Unreasonable as that one was, now I have a much more concrete fear: being drowned by idiots.

For the record, I didn't hit him. But it took a lot of self control, and I only didn't do it because he was a punk kid, no older than twelve. But he would have deserved it!

That being said...I'm popping in to say I'm here, I'm alive, I'm reading even if I'm not commenting, and I swear that I will be back after Band Season has taken it down a notch. Cross my heart and hope to live!

And P.S. No matter that they're now offering me five times per contract for renting out used Jupiter instruments as they were earlier, I will not do it. Not a new one, not a used one. I do not believe in Jupiter instruments. And may I be struck down if I ever turn my coat and recommend what I know to be an inferior instrument to someone to make a few dollars more. Not a flute (never, ever, ever! Not with the quality and bargain pricing of Pearl so readily available as a substitute!), not a clarinet, not a trumpet. Nothing made by Jupiter (except their euphoniums because those are the only instruments Jupiter actually makes with quality...except the lacquer or silver plating. That is still shitty.) will be suggested by me.


  1. I was just starting to wonder too. Glad you are still kicking.

  2. Busy season for flutes? I admire your resolve not to recommend a piece of crap, even if it would fill your pockets.
    From the sound of it, I would have at least given the kid a scare for what he did. I guess I'll have to wait to hear the rest of these stories.

  3. It's good to know you are still out there. I figured with school starting back up soon that you would be busy. Of course I imagined you hard at work and not lounging about sampling all of the wave pools of Texas. Hmph! (grin)


    *Pops popcorn and eagerly awaits upcoming stories*

    ((though it would be kinda cool if zombies could blog))

  5. Yay! I'm glad you're alive. :)

    Sounds like a lot of craziness has blown up on you recently, so your absence is utterly and completely forgiven.

    PS: Just for the record, and even though I don't know the whole story yet, I'm putting that punk kid on The List for nearly drowning you. No one does that to Chanel! NO ONE!!! (No worries my bloggy friend, I've got your back! We may even have to bring back Kane for this one...)

  6. Now how does that go?:

    "Cross my heart and hope to live.
    Carve a toothbrush into a shiv."

    ...something like that, I think. One of those old prison rhymes the kids adore.

    I was considering designing a Missing Poster for you, and posting it on the FARNC.

  7. Rebecca, I'm glad I am, too, considering for fifteen seconds I thought I wasn't going to see another day (and they were the longest fifteen seconds of my life.)

    George, busy season for every kind of band instrument. My coworkers pass off any and all flute rentals and purchases to me if I'm free because I'm the resident expert.

    As for that kid...I would have been happy to deck him. But I don't hit children. Even murderous ones.

    Rev, it was only the one day and obviously it was just a bad idea. I've never almost died selling musical instruments. Except the one time the boxes fell on me. But they were empty.

    Nicki, you've missed me? I haven't even been gone nearly as long as you! I waited all summer for you to come back, and then you did but it was while I was gone!

    Candice, yes. Craziness. But finally, FINALLY some changes for the better! CHANGES!

    You have my hearty agreement. And since we don't know his name we will call him Chanel's Failed Assassin McGee" and he will be on The List for forever.

    Bryan, you'll have to ask Rev about prison songs. I'm sure he knows the rhymes all the cool kids are saying. And I like shank better than shiv.

    Well, I'm not missing so I guess you'll have to put up a missing poster of something else. Perhaps your stash of nuclear cheese.

  8. I have been sitting here with my brain totally locked up for five minutes trying to imagine a zombie blogging.

    Day One: braaaaaiiiiinnsss......

    Day Two: braaaaaiiiiinnsss......


    Nope. Doesn't work for me.

  9. Zombies, it appears, have a limited vocabulary.

  10. Lots of foreshadowing going on around here. I hope it pays off.

  11. You know, I would never have thought being a flutist could be so time consuming. NO wonder I never hear about the "other" musicians out there. Those guys are worker bees.

  12. I can just picture a zombie Chanel shuffling through the streets of Austin....


  13. Brent, it will. I have lots of stories to share. And I will share them.

    Scott, it's not as easy it as it sounds to be a talented flutist. *sniffs* Nobody understands how hard it really is....

    Rev, a consumerist zombie in the musical retail sense, I see. Yes...I would be a very good flute buying zombie.

  14. A zombie blog actually sounds like a good idea.

  15. One of my all time favorite musicians is Ian Anderson. I'm sure you know the name. I'd love to see a video (or even just an mp3 stream) of you playing a favorite piece.

  16. Doug, Asha would appreciate it. Wherever she is...

    Rev, thank goodness you didn't say Jethro Tull played a flute! I get so tired of explaining to people that Jethro Tull was the name of the band, and the flutist's name was Ian Anderson! Yay to you! And surprisingly, I've never tried to play any of his parts. I suppose I could try. I'm sure we've got the sheet music....

  17. "Bouree" of course. His defining piece. Beautiful and simple. Of course I'm not a musician so I don't really know if it's simple or not, but the tune seems simple in my mind. I've always loved that one.

  18. Thank goodness you are okay!!! I was beginning to get worried!!!

    And, um, yeah, we need the work stories and the near-drowning story!!! lol

  19. Rev, parts of it are simple. And parts of it are definitely at little more complex. You're right, though, it is a beautiful piece.

    Frisky, and rightly so. I nearly drowned! But here I am. Living proof that my survival instincts are top notch.

  20. Wayyyy off topic here, but I am about to begin the next chapter of Tales from a Motel and want to make sure you have a room reserved. It's going to be a bi-weekly "series" so I want you to know ahead of time. AND, you should promote it, because:
    A. It's a great story
    B. I am an excellent story-teller
    C. I have mouths to feed and somehow having 100 people reading it will make me wealthier...eventully. And I will feel "special"
    D. You love me.


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