I've got one word for you: Bride

It's not me. Don't freak out.

Did I tell you guys that Relly became engaged right before Valentine's Day?

I think I may have mentioned it.

And now she's all about the dresses. Bridesmaids dresses, dress code for the guests, and, of course, her own wedding gown. 

She is beyond thrilled. There is absolutely no aspect of planning her wedding that she doesn't love, and she's throwing herself into with all of the energy and joy that she applied to the planning and decorating of her junior prom. Relly lives for this.

We're all happy for her and we all are trying to be as helpful as possible.

Well. All of us except Lydia. 

Wheat was down with the whole thing...for like two days.

Then she decided to ask Relly what I consider to be the stupidest, most selfish, inappropriate thing you could possibly ever ask of a bride planning her wedding.

"When we all start looking for your dress, would you mind if I tried some wedding dresses on, too? Since I didn't have a wedding."

Now, I told her when she called me on the phone and proudly proclaimed, like a nineteen year old moron, that she had eloped and gotten married in a court house and she was going to regret not having a real wedding ceremony and it would be hard for her when the rest of use went through the process of trying on gowns and planning weddings. (I said the same thing to Breazy when she told me she was engaged and wanted to get married at a courthouse one random Tuesday and she thankfully changed her mind about the whole thing.) Lydia had insisted she didn't care about wedding dresses and she wouldn't care.

And then she pops off with that.

And what do you think Relly said?

Of course I would mind. It's my wedding I'm trying to plan. I'm not going to waste my appointment time letting you try on a dress you're not going to buy and you're not going to wear. I'm getting married, you made your choice.

Any normal person would have respected the bride's decision. She's the bride. 

Then again, any normal person would know better than to ask stupid questions like that in the first place.

Lydia, though, didn't react like a normal person. In fact, I believe her exact words were, "Well, fine, if you want to be selfish and just be the center of attention, I don't want to try on a wedding dress." 

Selfish?

I repeat: Rellly is the bride. It's not selfish for her to want to be the only person in the bridal party trying on wedding dresses. She's the only one getting married. That's what that shiny diamond ring on her finger means, and that's why we're all going to a bridal salon in the first place.

And now she's being difficult. About the dresses, about taking time off to go look for them at all, about the shoes, about everything. A pain in the ass.

Now, Lydia has always been the baby. My mother spoiled her rotten to the point of being unreasonable when she wants something, and her husband continued to do it when he took her on as his wife, and she's so self centered now that it would take a miracle for her to see the light. So I know her. She's going to either keep making Relly miserable until she feels like she's gotten her revenge, or she's going to suddenly play nice only to try on a dress against Relly's expressed wishes when we go look at the dress, just to prove she didn't need permission or approval to do it.

In which case I'm going to slap her across the face.

I haven't done it since I was seventeen years old, but so help me God, if she tries to take away from the bride I will smack her so hard her fixed nose will be knocked off center again. 

I may not be traditional in a lot of ways, but one thing I do know is that the wedding is for the bride. The groom? Meh, he gets a cake and that's the only part that's his. And even if you don't agree with me about that, I think we can all agree that the wedding is never, ever, not in a million years about the bridesmaids. 

And if Lydia wanted to try on wedding dresses and be the center of attention, she should have had the god damned common sense to get married the traditional way instead of carting herself nine tenths of the way to Mexico to get married in a courthouse. 

She made her bed. Now she has to lie in it.