Bacon

My co-worker JayJay and I were talking last week, and we somehow got onto the subject of bacon. Now, I personally love bacon. It tastes yummy in salad, in mashed potatoes, on baked potatoes, on pizza, on a sandwich or a burger. Bacon is so good it even tastes delicious by itself. It even tastes good on a fresh, warm tortilla with butter. I know it sounds weird. Just try and then tell me that you don't like it. I bet you will love it, though, so I'm not worried.

Anyway, he said something like, "Everything would be better if it tasted like bacon!" Which seems pretty accurate. Even chocolate and bacon taste epic together.

Well, today on his lunch break he wandered around Target to kill time. And he found this:

That's right. Bacon Salt. As in, "We're going to take the salt that you like to put on your food and add the delicious flavor of bacon."

And the slogan says right there. "Everything should taste like bacon."

If I had a better camera on my phone, or if I had brought my camera with me to work, I would have been able to take a better picture in which you could actually read the words. Unfortunately, the batteries had to charge and my cameraphone was all I had to work with, which is exactly why I'm not smiling and holding this next to my face like a bad model on a TV infomercial. My camera on my phone plus florescent lighting equals extremely white skin, remember?

Uses for Bacon Salt:

1. French Fries
2. Popcorn
3. Mashed Potatoes
4. Baked Potatoes
5. Bacon
6. Any Kind of Potato
7. Burger
8. Eggs
9. Omlette
10. Breakfast Taco
11. Stir Fry
12. Salad (in place of salad seasoning)

Basically, there are an infinite number of possibilities for Bacon Salt. You could even put it on steak if you were so inclined, or on top of chicken with Monteray Jack cheese and some mushrooms. Yummy.

But bacon does not aways mean good things. Oh, no. Sometimes, bacon is annoying.

The only time I do not like bacon is when the smell of bacon is on my clothes. My Grandmother's house permanently smells like bacon because she makes bacon in the kitchen five out of seven days of the week, and they've lived in the house for like ever. Since Dinosaurs roamed the earth or something. So the smell has permeated everything. Stand in that house for five minutes, and you will smell like bacon for the rest of the day. Take off your clothes when you get home and toss them in the dirty laundry, the smell of bacon will fill your laundry room within the hour. 

Try explaining to your friends in middle and high school why you always smell like bacon underneath the sweet smell of your shampoo and perfume because they notice. And new friends? High School Boyfriend told me after we started dating that when we first met, he thought my natural body smell was bacon. Like, instead of smelling clean or like BO or something, there was only bacon. Imagine the paranoia after that.

Imagine how horrifying it was going to stay weekends with my best friend and having her immediately pull my clothes out of my overnight bag so she could smell them. Why? Even fresh from the dryer they smelled of bacon, and she loved the smell. 

You know what I hate? 

Those stupid Taco Bell commercials where the two women go to the club and the girl sticks the bacon thing in her purse to attract men. She's all, "Men love bacon." 

And the men are swarming around her, telling her she smells intoxicating.

Bullshit. As High School Boyfriend proved, men don't like chicks who smell like bacon. They think it's weird, and probably a little gross, though nobody has ever said as much. It's just the tone, I guess.

What guy thinks to himself, "Whoa! She smells like bacon! That's awesome!"

No man, that's who.

And if the smell of bacon turns you on...there's probably something wrong with you.