Tuesday, February 24, 2015


My sister had her baby.

God help us all, he burps just as loud as she does, and he's only two weeks old. Shrek aspires to his potential.

Being with my sister in the hospital was...probably the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life, to be perfectly honest. Before she received her epidural, she was like the girl in the freaking Exorcist. No joke, she was nuts and absolutely terrifying and, given the choice between being there and having a tooth pulled at the dentist, I think I'll take the dentist.

I have held the baby, but only when he is wearing mittens. (I once held a baby as a child that stuck his finger up my nose and scratched me so bad that I bled. Quite a lot, actually. The blood ruined my nightgown and my Beanie Baby horse and I was screaming so loud my mother heard it all the way at the pool with her friends and came back to investigate.) I have only recently learned, however, that babies have mittens, not to protect the people holding them, to protect the babies from scratching themselves. 

I have established a set of rules, of course, to keep people from becoming confused.

I do not burp the baby.
I do not check the baby's diaper.
I certainly will never change the baby's diaper.
I will not hold a crying baby.
I will not change the clothes on the baby.
I will not hold the baby if he is gassy.
I WILL sing "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" to him if he is fussy, but not if he is already screaming. (Works like a charm, by the way. Calms him right down if I sing it before he hits his stride.)

Penny has her own rules for the baby.

Penny must kiss the baby every time he moves.
Penny must investigate anyone who wishes to approach the baby.
Penny must investigate whoever is holding the baby when he cries.
Penny must sit beside the baby at all times.

Choo Choo....

Well, she only has one rule, and it encompasses everything.

Choo Choo owns the baby.

And then there is Ripley, who has no rules for the baby because Ripley gets too excited around the baby and jumps around and tries to lick him on the face and scares people with his puppy exuberance because, let's not forget, Ripley just turned two years old. So Ripley isn't allowed around the baby until the baby is not so small and breakable. Or he learns how to be around children. (And let's face it: he's not going to get the opportunity to learn how to interact with children from Matthew and me.)

I also suspect that motherhood makes women lose their minds.

I was holding him today, and I thought something felt wet, so I said I thought he needed to be changed. My sister sniffed his butt. 

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Dogs sniff each each other's butts. It's disgusting to see people do that. Especially to determine if a diaper needs to be changed or not. It's also crazy, and not something I will ever do, thank you very much.

Of course, motherhood is crazy, and not something I will ever do, thank you very much.

But I would like another dog. Or a goat.


  1. Is this your first time being an aunt, or were you already? I forget.

    At any rate, congratulations.

    And watch out for those killer baby fingers.

  2. Is this your first time being an aunt, or were you already? I forget.

    At any rate, congratulations.

    And watch out for those killer baby fingers.

    1. Well, when she got married I inherited two nephews by marriage, but they were both old enough to walk and talk and feed themselves. This is the first nephew I had to (and I do mean HAD to, as they forced me) "pet in the belly", as I like to say. And this is definitely the first time I've ever been around a woman in labor.

      Thanks for the congratulations. I am taking that as "Congratulations on your survival!"

  3. Awwww! Auntie Chanel! So very sweet. I love being an aunt. I get to spoil my nieces and nephews and then send them home to their mothers. Good times. I also love being a mother, though, and I agree that it does take its toll on a woman's sanity. You suddenly become very paranoid (and I was paranoid BEFORE I had kids), and anyone who looks at your child for too long suddenly becomes a pedophile and is not to be trusted.

    I didn't ever sniff my kids' butts, I had my own ways of checking to see if they needed to be changed that worked just fine. Two, actually: 1) Pulling at the back of the diaper and looking inside. Gross? Yes. Necessary? Also yes. And 2) The pinch test. Where you pinch the diaper to see how wet it is. Once it reaches a certain "memory foam" consistency, that's when you need to change them. Ah! The super fun parts of motherhood that I never have to go through again. My daughter is 5, my son is almost 10, and we have no plans to go beyond the two kids we already have. We've got one of each, a boy and a girl. We love them to pieces, and that's all we need. The end.

    One more thing: I LOVE Frozen and all of its songs! I'm glad your nephew is being introduced to its wondrousness by his fabulous Aunt Chanel. Way to be awesome!

    1. First, not Auntie Chanel or Aunt Chanel or any sort of name like them. The baby, as Double L do, will grow up calling me either "Chanel" or "Nelly" and there will be no ridiculous title before the name. I just won't have it.

      I got a little paranoid the other day because I was holding him and I thought he stopped breathing so I poked him in the belly and he socked me in the nose. If that baby gets broken on my watch my sister might kill me.

      Kudos to you for your commitment, but add those to the list of things I will not do. Look in a diaper, poke a diaper to check consistency. That hardly sounds better than sniffing the butt. In fact, I think visual confirmation might be worse. Also, the Baby pees on her, which is kind of funny as long as I'm not close enough to her to get smacked for laughing.

      FROZEN is my favorite Disney movie EVER and I love all of the songs. We went to Disney world in October and they had a Frozen Sing Along and the kids next to me had more fun watching my performance than what was going on up front because I just have way too much fun. EVERY kid should see frozen. And every adult, too.


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