Monday, July 4, 2011

Ultimate Failbook Winner goes to...

Don't you know I wish I had a screen shot of this conversation.

A little back story for you guys.

Last night at about eleven forty five I went out with my sisters, Relly and Breezy, to get some IHOP because we really, really wanted breakfast. (I love chocolate chip pancakes.) They had an old friend meet us there. 'Lil B has been a dear friend (and expert hug giver) since high school. Relly and I both adored him, and I guess since we left he started working with Breezy, and since the four of us are much the same in a lot of ways, you really can't love two of us and not all the others. So he and Breezy are very good friends as well.

While we were sitting at our table laughing and giggling over some of the dumbest things (and I will say it again: my sisters are sometimes very dumb) Relly asked me, "Did you know Lydia had salmonella poisoning?"

To which I replied, "Yes, from letting her dogs kiss her after feeding them raw chicken. My question is why did she let them kiss her with her mouth open?"

We all laughed.

Then 'Lil B chimed in with, "Relly tells me you really like to make fun of idiots on your blog, and that you like to make fun of Facebook idiots especially. Want to hear a funny story about salmonella?"

Well, you guys know me. 

"Two days ago on Facebook my friend Hill-Billy Fucktard (his name has been changed, obviously) put up a post that said, 'Alright, asshole, I ate a whole raw chicken breast. Where's my twenty dollars?' (Or something to that effect. Without the actual screenshot, which I hope he sends to me, I can only tell you what he said.)"

'Lil B, in all of his brilliance, replied, "Dude, you're going to die of salmonella poisoning, you idiot."

To which Hill-Billy Fucktard replied, "I am not. I didn't eat salmon, dumbass."

Fail much? 

And that, guys, is exactly why I like to make fun of idiots. 

And then, just to drive my point home, I have a screen shot of something that did directly take place on my Facebook that is a clear example of just exactly how far our education system has fallen since I left high school behind five years ago.

Ah...silly stepsisters...

I blurred out the names to protect the identity of my stepsister, stepmother, and my older sister. And we're not even going to bother addressing the definition my sister offered for self-incrimination. I suppose she's not technically wrong, but that's an explanation one would offer to a five year old, not a twenty year old woman.

Here's hoping I get the screen shot for the chicken thing, but if not...the screen shot of our educational failures as a country will soothe your disappointment.


  1. I hate to nitpick, but whoever said that "self-incriminate" means "make yourself a criminal", is a tad bit inaccurate. Breaking the law makes you a criminal. "Self-Incriminate" means saying or doing something that divulges your guilt.

    Of course, I'm betting you noticed that already and just decided to let it slide. I know how it is. You gotta pick your battles.

    (Also, saying "I hate to nitpick" is probably inaccurate on my part. Who am I kidding?)

  2. Oh shit! Now I see that you mentioned it below the image. I don't know how I missed that! Disregard my last comment.

  3. Well I wasn't going to address the issue...

    But you did and I like it. So you can delete your first comment if you prefer, or you can leave it up. Your definition is correct so I see no reason in removing it.

  4. I'll leave it up. I love validated that you my faith in you retroactively even though I missed it, and that we were both thinking the same thing. That's priceless.

  5. Something in that comment is off...

    But I get it. Great minds think alike.

  6. Yeah, that's a bit of a tongue twister. "Validated" popped up two words too early somehow.

  7. I thought so...Blogger is trying to make you angry, Bryan! Fight back!

  8. Blogger is a bastard. Just sayin...

    I too like making fun of idiots. To a point, then I want the earth to open up and swallow them whole.

    Fun post!

  9. "I love validated that you my faith in you retroactively"

    Hee hee hee!

    Brain fart!

    My whole existence in the blogosphere, let alone my monthly paychecks, depend on our continuing failure to educate our children properly.

    As I always say, if it weren't for stupid people, I would be out of a job.

  10. Hey, I could be related to these people. It sounds like a conversation at my aunt's house on the fourth.

  11. Brahm, you should hear (or rather read) Asha's thoughts about the Blogger Demon that destroys souls...Blogger has been a pain for the last couple of months.

    I just wish they wouldn't talk to me. I could care less what actually happens to them, although being sacrificed to the mouth of a volcano sounds oddly appealing in my head...

    Rev, I'm sure some of your inmates are actually intelligent and educated. Don't you have people in for serious tax evasion or something?

    George, that must be it. You're my long lost brother!

  12. This entire post, comments included, hurt my brain to read. I'm glad I wasn't trying to read it aloud.

  13. Just imagine...I get the pleasure of reading gems like that daily...


    re: salmon.

    That seriously just made my day.

  15. I bet he probably pronounces salmon phonetically, too. SAL-MON instead of SAM-ON.


    My expectations for humanity are entirely too high these days.


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