Friday, October 14, 2011

The worst thing you can hear right before the roller coaster drops you.

Wouldn't you know it?

As soon as I started feeling better, my computer started acting poorly. I think it's just getting old. It's been a good computer for four years now. I think it's bound to start acting out a lot. That's what computers do.

In other news, I nearly had a heart attack yesterday, and it was Master Plo Koon that tried to kill me by frightening me to death. But that's a story that needs some explaining.

For months now, Mother has been planning to take Padawan, Clueless, Master Plo Koon, and myself on an excursion to the State Fair. Apparently the State Fair is like the most awesome thing ever and everybody needs to go at least once. I've heard lots of things about the food (deep fried food heaven is what I was told) and so I was really looking forward to going. So Mother scheduled the day for a Wednesday where Padawan, Clueless, and I were all off of work. Master Plo Koon, it was decided, could skip a day of school. (And with public educational standards being flushed down the toilet as I write this, I heartily believe he learned more in a day at the State Fair with me than he ever has in classroom.)

Well, things started off badly. First, Padawan and I overslept. She wanted us to be at her house as seven in the morning, and we didn't wake up until six thirty. Well, even doing nothing it takes me an hour to get ready in the morning, so we didn't leave until seven thirty. While I was showering Padawan checked the weather report.

Great.

Severe thunderstorms were going to be hanging over Dallas all day. State Fairs, at least in Texas, are primarily held out of doors. We tried to talk Mother into doing something else. We explained that walking around in the rain all day was not going to make for a fun family outing, but as mothers often are, she was completely set on her original plans.

When we finally got there at eight, Clueless had gone back to bed, declaring she just "couldn't leave Sausage alone for fourteen hours."

Bull. Shit.

She never bothers with that dog unless it's convenient for her. Did I mention that not only has she stopped buying him diet food, but she's feeding him the most unhealthy canned food she can find? He's gained another five pounds. Even though he's a small dog, he's officially too heavy to be allowed in our apartment. Our weight limit is forty pounds.

Well, we had planned on leaving Choo Choo there all day anyway, so she and Sausage could play together. We were expecting maintenance at our apartment to see to the ceiling fan, and I didn't want to leave her locked up in her kennel all day. So Mother decided Clueless could walk Choo Choo with Sausage that afternoon since she had opted to stay home anyway.

She took the time to leave a note explaining that Choo Choo must be walked on a leash (she runs off to find me if she's not kept on one when I'm not around) and that we'd see her later.

We drove through three hours of clouds and rain and foul weather, and we were dressed to handle foul weather, only to arrive in Dallas with a bright blue sky, a hot sun, and not a cloud in sight. Apparently it was going to be raining AROUND Dallas, but the city was completely happy.

Except we were all dressed for foul weather, not sunny weather. It was miserably hot in a long sleeved two layered shirt and blue jeans. 

But despite that I had fun. You know, ate a lot of deep fried food (deep fried cheese cake is freaking AWESOME. So is a deep fried biscuit and gravy. And deep fried frito pie. And buffalo chicken. Deep fried bubblegum, however, is so disgusting to watch someone else eat that I couldn't stomach the idea of sampling it myself.) and walked around a lot.

Then it came time to ride a roller coaster, and I agreed to ride with Master Plo Koon because I have a strong stomach and everybody else was too stuff on fried food to want to risk it.

We got seated, and took off up the incline right before the first drop.

That was when he struck.

Right before they released us down the first and biggest drop, Master Plo Koon turned to me, his face white and eyes round and looking utterly horrifed, and said, "Chanel, my bar didn't lock!"

Instant horror.

We were at the top. There was literally nothing we could do. I could hear the gears moving to release us. No one could stop the ride on time. There was no one to scream to, absolutely nothing to do except go through the ride.

"Hold on as tight as you can, use your legs to push yourself into the seat as hard as you can. I'll hold the bar."

Using one hand to support myself so I would't be jerked around, I used my other arm to hold his bar down, and I leaned on it with every ounce of strength I could muster. Each turn, dive, and twist scared me as I imagined all of the horrible ways his ten year old body would look flying through the air.

It was the longest thirty seconds of my whole entire life.

When the ride ended and was winding slowly to the dock, I lifted the locking bar to see how the operator had missed it.

It lifted three inches, then jerked to a stop.

Being so small, the tightest setting was still loose on Master Plo Koon, and when he tested it he felt it move instead of lock, and so he thought it was broken.

Punk. 

Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever be riding a roller coaster with him again. I have enough anxiety about them on my own. 

And by the way, it was clear when we got back that Clueless had not bothered taking Choo Choo outside as she had an accident somewhere around mid afternoon, and another one right as we pulled up because she was excited. If she had been taken outside with Sausage it wouldn't have happened. 

11 comments:

  1. HOLY. CRAP. I would be terrified in that situation! I probably would have panicked in every possible way!

    Deep fried cheesecake. Sounds wonderfully unhealthy. I'll have to try it sometime. I've never been to a state fair before.

    Hm. Clueless. Let's just say that you seem to have given her a very accurate nickname. That is all.

    I'm sorry about your illness and your messed up computer, but it's great to see a post from you! I've missed seeing you around the blogosphere! It's not the same without you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yikes. I've seen too many of the people who own and run roller coasters to ever trust my life to one of them again. Most of them look like they don't even know which end of a wrench to blow in. You should have taken a picture of Clueless along with you. Maybe you could have sold her to the guy running the roller coaster.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was on one once that almost ran into the train in front of us. Something broke and our train was going twice as fast as normal. I went on it again a few years later and it was far less exciting. I'm glad you both survived...though your heart might explode with all the deep fried goodness.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Candice, I've been dreaming about blogging for weeks! It's been driving me nuts, but I can't risk blogging on one of the computers at work. You never know if bosses are watching the interwebz...

    Clueless frustrates the freaking crap out of me. I just want to smack her. You can see why. That poor dog!

    Rev, a lot of roller coaster owners seem pretty untrustworthy...but my thrill comes from being terrified. By the speed, not by the thought of death. I think roller coasters are scary even when I'm not worried about the kid next to me falling out...maybe I should just stop riding roller coasters. It seems to be dangerous...

    Charlie, it's probably a good thing I never found deep fried turkey...otherwise I probably would have had a heart attack. As it is, I really hope that never happens to me because then I'd really be done with roller coasters and Padawan would have no one to ride with.

    Scott Nicholson, just barely. Next time I might really just have my heart give out, and then where would everyone be?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would never ride a State Fair kind of roller coaster. If the moorings of the contraption aren't welded together and sunk into the ground, then they haven o business getting anyone to ride on it.

    Are you sure the Master wasn't just kidding around, then when he saw how anxious you were, changed his story to "I'm just too small"?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I went to the State Fair a few years ago. It was fun. Got to see Big Tex. That was almost worth the drive all by itself. No roller coaster mishaps, though. Now I feel cheated.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hate roller coasters. I probably said that like 10 times here already. I can't remember.

    But I really hate them.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, I've had deep fried turkey. Fabulous! Mmmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Brent, no he looked really scared. And as discussed on the day he stayed with us because he was sick, Master Plo Koon has some seriously bad acting skills. Padawan might pull a prank like that, but not the little one. He's just not that creative.

    Doug, Big Tex has got to be the creepiest statue thing I've ever seen. And his wrist is broken! That angle is just all wrong.

    Bryan, I used to hate them too. I still do. It's a love hate thing. I hate waiting to get on them, hate waiting for the first drop, hate screaming...but the adrenaline rush and euphoria afterwards are awesome. So I ride them.

    Rev, well just rub it in my face! I want deep fried turkey!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Deep fried bubble gum? EW. EW. EW. EW. EWWWW.
    Deep-fried everything else sounds good though. I just had deep-fried lobster tail at an oyster festival, but it was such a waste of lobster. Sigh.

    So, the roller coaster story? Totally read the whole thing with knots in my stomach. I'm so glad you survived...albeit barely.

    And poor little Choo Choo... that's a long time for a little pup. I would've had an accident too.

    ReplyDelete

My Shelfari Bookshelf

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog